Its been a year and a few days since I wrote a post called “Snapshots” which you can read here. A year later, M is 6yrs and Z is 2yrs. So here goes another snapshotWhat they are saying:

• M: “Daaaadddy… can you come here?” calling from the bunk bed that Anne got her, to ask me to pass up pencils/ beads/ paper etc so she does not have to climb down to get them
• Z: “what’s that?” and pointing at almost anything and everything

What they love doing:

• M: drawing; watching dvds; us reading to her; playing on sesamestreet.com; having “adventures”; playing at friends houses; playing with her imaginary friends; doing craft and woodwork; climbing trees; “practicing her karate moves” with her little brother (more like dancing); jumping on the trampoline; and climbing through the whole in our living room wall.
• Z: talking about fire trucks; playing with toy fire trucks; playing with Lulu our dog (crawling under her); watching dvds in M’s room; playing chasey with Lulu & Maya; climbing on anything; driving a scooter around the kitchen; sitting in water (baths, puddles, anything); and covering every inch of the kitchen with water while playing with boats in the sink.

What I am loving about them:

• M: how she challenges us from pointing out our inconsistencies (“but yesterday you said…”) to getting us out of our rut by regularly declaring, “today I want to do something totally new!”
• Z: how he loves to do jobs with us from taking out the compost to cooking dinner; and how he’s so very small yet so incredibly opinionated and fiesty

Some of their quirks:

• M: how she talks to three imaginary friends: Ginger the cat, Lavender the fairy and Forest the dog who show her how to do karate, make magic and do new dance moves… and how she likes her toast cut in fours, with the crust off, then ‘lightly stabbed on top’ to make it bumpy (sometimes i just give her the knife if Im not up for getting it just right)
• Z: how he loves putting things on his head. His favourite is a plastic sieve which he calls his “fire hat”, but if we give him a plate with rice we have to clear the table as soon as he has finished otherwise it too will likely be turned into a hat and we will be picking rice out of his hair and our bed for the next week (the picture above is Z with a flower pot on his head playing with Lulu… and yes the flower pot did have dirt in it before he found it)

What I want to remember from today:

• M&Z: how during our walk M danced the whole way home and Z tried to copy her moves; how they helped me make banana icecream for the first time (why didnt we do that before!?); and the way M, Z and Anne all played chasey with Lulu until Anne collapsed in a heap

Please add your own – grab the same headings and share your own snapshot in the comments below or if you have one on your blog…

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Ive been writing less for the Pit lately… but Ive got a good excuse. In between hanging out with my family and doing our home biz with my partner, I have started to write a book!

Don’t worry, its nothing to do with parenting… Ill leave that to people with much more of a clue than I

Im writing a sci fi novel which i aim to finish by this time next year. Assuming i find a publisher I expect you all to buy multiple copies, even if you have no interest whatsoever in sci fi, ill try to get it the right size so it can help prop up that couch of yours with the dodgy leg!

But in the meantime i wanted to mention some very good friends and truly inspirational people who have written books which are available for pre order:

The Wonderful Place by Chrissy Butler

I always feel so much better after talking to Chrissy. She is one of the most down to earth people I know and her house and family always seem abundant in generousity and love. The illustrations in her children’s books reflect her personality – they are creative, interesting and brimming with compassionate wisdom.

Her first book was the story of the homebirth of beautiful Jimi Jaz and this new book is about full term breast feeding. Actually they are the themes of her books but really her stories and illustrations are about fun, love and connection… a great addition to any children’s library.

You can view images of Chrissy’s books and order internationally from her site here.

Chemical Free Kids: Raising Healthy Children in a Toxic World by Sarah Lantz

If we feel like we need to be more open to life and its possibilities, if we want to grow and develop… we often will find ourselves ringing Sarah & her partner Jason for inspiration.

I first met Sarah through student politics years and years ago. At the time she was the Women’s Officer for the Australian national union of students. Anne & I continued to have the opportunity to work with her and be inspired by her in a number of social justice & environmental campaigns that we were involved in. Sarah is smart, passionate and the sort of person who really engages with life.

Now a Mum, Sarah has combined her passion for parenting, environmentalism and health in this new book.

Find out more and preorder Sarah’s book here.

Other Books…

Anne & I were so excited to see A Divided Heart: Art & Motherhood by Rachael Powers in our local bookshops. Rachael is someone we went to playgroup with years ago and since lost touch with but her book on mums being artists while being mums will be of interest to many.

There are other books to look out for. Ive got a short review of Ginger Carlson’s excellent Child of Wonder which I need to finish up and post but rather than wait you can find out more here. Then fellow homeschool blogger Tammie Takahashi has published her book Deschooling Gently which you can read exerpts of and order here.

Buy them all! Just make sure you start saving to buy several boxes of my sci fi book too

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A conversation today between me and Z. Lulu is our dog, Z and her were jumping on each other for much of this chat. At 2 years old Z is using two or three word sentences which we are generally skilled at understanding, so for example “Me milk Daddy” means “please get me my milk Daddy” etc.. however I totally missed this one…

• Z: Me lick Lulu
• ME: Did Lulu lick you?
• Z: (shouting) Me lick Lulu!
• ME: (nervously trying to validate) Um… You didn’t like Lulu licking you?
• Z: (screaming & waving around a toy truck threateningly) ME LICK LULU!!
• ME: (beginning to get panicky) So… you REALLY did not like Lulu licking you and you would like her to stop?

pause while Z licks Lulu on her face

• ME: (relieved but disgusted) Oh… you were licking Lulu?
• Z: (just relieved) Yeh

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A few days ago, as I was trying to work out how much pasta to cook, talking to Z and M (who is 6 years old)

• ME: How hungry are you both?
• Z: Um… nine!
• M: This much (holding her hands about 15 cm apart)
• ME: Ummmm… OK… (I just put the whole lot in… )

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Last week after Z threw a doll at M then chased her trying to stab her with a straw

• M: I hope you get killed you big pesty pest… NOW GO AWAY YOU YUCKY, HORRIBLE MONSTER… I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
• ME: (totally ignoring everything I wrote about siblings fighting in my last post and starting to lose it) BLOODY HELL, DO YOU HAVE TO SPEAK SO RUDELY TO HIM!??!
• M: Chill out Dad, its just an expression!
• Z: Yeh Daddy!!
• Me: (deep sigh…)

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I’d love to hear some of yours, please feel free to add them to the comments below

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Sibling fights… There are those who intervene at the first sign of trouble. Then those who just “let them work it out” and don’t intervene at all.

My current approach is to intervene when I think I can be of some assistance by facilitatating rather than solving. It involves a clear intention if not a difficult balance – to help empower my kids rather than create a dependency on my involvement.

So rather than jump in and “rescue” them as is my gut reaction, it takes immense self control to help them work things out for themselves. Part of this of course involves knowing when to stay out of it altogether, which I still often miss. But it might also involve “holding a space” by being calm, accepting and compassionate… its a little known fact that such qualities are actually contagious, so by bringing them to the situation I am almost inviting my children to be a part of it.

It does not always end nicely though and some times they get physical. Z tends to view the best defence as being the best offence, so will hit if he feels threatened of uncomfortable. M will sometimes get frustrated or annoyed at a ruined project or plan and will strike out also.

At such momens I will definitely intervene but again I try to be aware of my intention and how I enter the situation.

The other day when I came into the play room and saw Z crying and M looking angry I could have guessed that there had been hitting, but I managed to avoid saying “what happened?”

Instead I held and cuddled Z, asking where he was hurt (information I needed to ensure that he was ok physically). Then I said to both of them, “you guys must be having a really hard time… can I help you?”

My offer was one of connection and concrete support and it was sincerely made to both of them.

It has been so empowering for me to let go of blame. I do not really need to know what happened or who hit who first. I have no intention of being a detective, a cop… let alone a judge or punisher in my family.

They were both hurting in different ways and they both needed love. Sometimes I would help facilitate some issue that was behind the conflict, other times they would choose to take space and resolve it themselves later on. In this case it involved M angrilly going to her room… then ten minutes later sheepishly inviting Z to join her in there and play a game.

Im sure my approach will develop and change as my young children develop and change… but right now it feels right.

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Pit Stops are posts where i choose a theme and profile some sites. According to my web stats only about 30% of the people who visit the Pit are from Australia, so sorry to all you others for whom this is less interest. This month, homeschooling & unschooling online resources for Australians…

LIBERATED LEARNING This is currently one of my favourite online places to hang out. Its a message board (online forum) created by Majikfaerie. Participants are Australian homeschoolers including many natural learners & unschoolers. Its still early days for this forum and its tone is one of non judgement and openess which will surely help it grow into a vibrant supportive online community. Say hi if you sign up… I check in pretty regularly.

BEVERLY PAINE’S HOMESCHOOL AUSTRALIA Beverly Paine is one of the pioneers of Australian homeschooling and this site reflects the breadth of her writing and involvement in the area. The site and contents pitch itself quite broadly with many resources for homeschoolers in general, including unschoolers. Sign up to Beverley’s newsletter to stay informed about all things homeschooling.

OTHER SITESHome Education Network is a group primarily based around Melbourne, who put out a magazine called Otherways. Since the demise of the magazine Education Choices, I believe Otherways is the only homeschooling mag left in the country. Its well worth a subscription with lots of natural learning content. The trick is not to get “homeschool group envy” by seeing all the listing for events that the Melbourne HEN group has planned in its pages for those of us in other parts of the country. Their site is regularly updated and worth a look too.

Home Education Association is the main advocate group for Australian Homeschoolers so definitely worth a mention here.

These resources are great and essential for Australians but if you are getting really into unschooling, especially radical unschooling then i suggest that you also explore sites outside of Australia also, especially ones based in the US which has the main unschooling population. Have a look at some links to sites here or reviews of other egroups here.

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• before I had children I thought sleeping in was waking up after lunch… now I think its getting to 8am
• before I had children I wondered what stay at home parents did with all their time… now I wonder what people without children do with all of theirs
• before I had children friends called me an “unsociable bastard” when I did not go out at night… now when the same thing happens they call me a “responsible father”
• before I had children I wore a lot of black… now, thanks to my daughter’s constant encouragement there is much colour in my life
• before I had children I managed to hide many of my personal failing, short comings and control freakish nature, even from myself… now interactions with my children seem to have a knack of exposing them all to the cold hard light of day
• before I had children I never really appreciated my parents… now I realise that they did the best they possibly could
• before I had children I talked much, much more and was always right… now I am learning to listen, understand, be more open and am starting to get that being right is not so important after all
• before I had children I was once a kid myself… now with help from my children I am often reintroduced to the wonderment, excitement, passion, mindfulness and curiousity of that child still within me
• before I had children my partner and I nearly broke up because I did not want children… now, well, lets just say that we are all entitled to make mistakes hey?
• before I had children I used walk past earth moving equipment and shiny rocks without a thought… now I can’t walk past a construction site without thinking of my son’s excitement or a shiny rock without picking it up for my daughter’s “crystal” collection
• before I had children I was vague, had no sense of direction and had the short term memory of a gold fish … now… well… perhaps some things don’t change after all

I could keep this up for a long time but I’d rather leave room for you to add your own in the comments below…

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The following quote is from one of my favourite unschool writers, Joyce Fetteroll. Along with Rue Kream’s book, Joyce’s web site has been a key resources for my own unschooling journey.

Joyce wrote this in a discussion on the Unschooling Basics egroup and Ive reproduced it here with her permission:

Teachers face this huge pile of bricks stacked up for them that they’re required to hand to the child in a specific order. They’re always facing that pile and handing off bricks and judging to see how well they’re transferring the pile.

Unschoolers don’t have a pile. They have the world around them. But instead of facing the world, they face the child. If the child asks for a brick, you hand it to them. But you’re confident the child is running around picking up her own bricks because you’ve got her out in the world (instead of locked up in the classroom with the bricks controlled by the teacher). If you know of an interesting brick that would go with the one she’s asked for or picked up, point it out. If she’s interested, find more. If she’s not, let it go.

As well as stirring up Pink Floyd song lyrics in my head, I felt that this quote captured an element of unschooling that I am appreciating more and more. For me it has been the opportunity to let go of external measures, bench marks, grades, classifications, labels… basically letting go of external agendas and judgements as the guide to my parenting.

I have found stepping outside of the school and “education” system, although creating anxious moments on occasions, has ultimately given me the opportunity to totally focus on getting to know, to support, to learn with and trust our children.

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Ive noticed that most visitors to this site are from outside Australia, so I thought id include some pics of some australian animals from our recent trip to Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary. We got to hang out and even feed kangaroos, koalas, possums and rainbow lorikeets. Snakes and lizards too but i ran out of room…

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I know it can be hard sometimes.

In fact over the years I’ve been through periods when I thought that “the Yes” have become extinct. They can be slippery buggers – sometimes so small and great at hiding. Its as though you’ve got to feel them first… believe in them… then maybe, just maybe you might start to see them.

Not like finding “the No”. They are so easy to see and so numerous that I used to think that I would drown in them. I’m sure my daughter felt the same way a few years back and even today I find my self swatting unwanted ones away.

Things are improving though – these days when one of my children asks for something I try to pause, to think and even enroll their help in searching for “the Yes”.

You have to be careful because there are other beasts that seem similar at first glance but they are not to be trusted. A couple of the common ones are:

- “the well OK then”, which looks like “the Yes” but can be begrudging, annoyed creatures pent up with resentment, they will eventually turn on you and on occasion have been known to explode without warning
- “the Whatever”, are uncaring, detached animals and will often hurt feelings of those around them

If these or other similar creatures turn up first, I’ve found it best to acknowledge them then keep searching. Ignoring them can just make them grow and fester so be sure to acknowledge with compassion and honesty.

One creature that might help buy time is the “Whynot?” They are not as good as “the Yes” but they can help hold back “the No” which bang at the door by the thousands.

Of course each “the Yes” is different. Like many kids my children love “the Yes” which are lightening fast, straightforward and can go ahead immediately. These ones appear on occasion, especially now that I am looking for them more. But other times the process of searching for “the Yes” involves negotiating, communicating and brainstorming. It makes us dig deeper into what is really behind my children’s request; or alternatively what is behind my own or other blocks that are keeping “the Yes” at bay.

Be sure to wait for the right one: You will know when you find it as they have an uncanny way of making everyone feel powerful and joyful. In fact the very best ones come from an amazing, inspiring place called “Winwin”. Some people think that this place is pure fiction but I have definitely caught glimpses of it during my searches.

It gets easier and when the word gets out more “the Yes” seem to gather around you, even in other aspects of your life. I guess they can smell someone who values and wants them.

I wonder how many I will find today. Good luck on your own search

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I did something like this over 6 months ago but wanted to do it again because I’m really keen to find out a little bit about you! It’s simple and hopefully fun, so please do add your comment.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to simply copy and paste the list below into the comments of this post and then finish each sentence!

You do NOT have to be profound, witty or have sentences that work on several levels, rhyme or are spelt correctly!!! Just be honest and write what comes into your mind. Be as long or short as you like. Be as revealing or guarded as you dare… Just be sure to have a go!

Please do participate, even if this is your first visit to the Pit. But please especially add your comment if you are a regular visitor (and for those slightly paranoid, silent lurkers out there – it’s totally private – your email does not show up on your comment and you don’t even have to submit it when you leave a comment…)

Here goes:

• “I live in …”
• “the last time I had a huge belly laugh with my child(ren) was when …”
• “My mother would often tell me … “
• “To be the sort of parent I aspire to being, I find myself becoming more …”
• “If I had a two week fully paid holiday with absolutely no responsibilities, and no kids I would … “
• “A book that profoundly impacted on my life is …”
• “I secretly would like to … “
• “At my funeral I want …”

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