Anne & I have recently been reading and implementing coaching techniques for our home business to great effect. We have been using a coaching approach called the GROW model popularised by John Whitmore in his book Coaching for Performance. Although I feel uncomfortable with describing parenting as coaching, I was struck by how this approach is so aligned with some aspects of unschooling.
The book quotes a study by IBM which looked at the levels of recall for people being told/ shown/ having experienced something (click for bigger view as it speaks for itself). Mind you since I am just telling you this, in three months time most of you wont remember so I may as well have made up those figures!
With the importance of direct experience and ownership over solutions as a foundation Whitmore explains,
Coaching is unlocking a person’s potential to maximize their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them. […] To use coaching successfully we have to adopt a more optimistic view than usual of the dormant capability of people, all people.
And as that insightful philosopher Horton the Elephant said:
People are people, no matter how small!
… so Im guessing these principles apply to children also.
GROW coaching then is not about finding the ‘right’ answer but aims to foster self belief, awareness and responsibility in the coachee.
The coach is not a problem solver, a teacher, an adviser, an instructor or even an expert; he or she is a sounding board, a facilitator, a counselor, an awareness raiser.
That last quote is from Whitmore by the way… not Horton.
The book has insightful discussion on asking effective questions (that are open, avoid judgement and increase the requirement for observation and awareness). A simple sporting example is avoiding the common, “are you watching the ball?” and using something like, “which way is the ball spinning when it comes over the net?”
There is also interesting notes on listening, he does not use the term ‘mindful’ but Whitmore basically is describing the need for self awareness and detachment in the process to avoid projecting your stuff on others and to simply understand them.
Whitmore comments:
Perhaps the hardest thing a coach has to do is learn how to shut up
As I said we read this to apply in a business context and I don’t think its an exact fit in the parenting world. For a start the idea of goals are often quite fluid, especially for those of us with younger children.
Yesterday M had a stated goal of wanting to build a helicopter out of wood. Rather than me going into coaching mode I watched her dive right into sawing a piece of wood. Her goal suddenly changed as she realised that she had never actually sawn a piece of wood right through. The helicopter idea was soon forgotten after she reached this new goal.
Perhaps other more coachable goals will arise as our children get older… those of you with older kids might like to comment? Right now it is really more about play, exploration and joy… having said that I hope these goals persist throughout their entire life
Another key difference is the power of parents to model. To live our values rather than tell our values. And its true that one of the most challenging things for me to do is “learn how to shut up” and trust in the process more.
So while I still dont see myself as ‘my children’s coach’… reading this book has reminded me to focus on trust and giving my children support which is based on confidence and space.
That was today anyway. Now to work out how Im going to stay on track tomorrow 