We are plotting & planning ways to attend the Live & Learn Unschooling Conference in the USA this September (we live in Australia).

I am very motivated to be in an environment where unschooling and the like is the norm, even if it is just for a few days… and also keen to meet many of the people who I’ve read so much about and from whom I continue to learn from.

We are aiming to be in California in late October for two other events (including the Bioneers Conference.) That means if all goes to plan we will be in USA between early September til the end of October.

We want to keep things relatively simple and only visit a few places: so far our list includes New York, Seattle and several spots in California.

Warning – shameless self interested use of this blog for personal gain approaching:

So here is the thing. Over those two months we will definately be using hotels etc… but we are also keen to find other options.

This might involve spare rooms with other like minded families or even perhaps house sitting or house swapping options. Its not my habit to use this blog for shameless requests but we are keen to make this trip happen, so wanted to “put it out there” in case one of you has an empty villa in the heart of San Francisco or something

If all goes well I hope to meet some of you at the conference!

9 Comments »

What did you do for Earth Hour?

We spent ours sitting in a nearby cow paddock looking at the stars.

It was a high tech trip into nature because I took my laptop with a copy of Stellarium on it.

Stellarium is an open source application which I downloaded after an unschooling mum listed it as her favourite resource… and its fast becoming one of mine.

Stellarium allows you to identify stars that you can see from any location on the planet. In addition you can view constellations as lines or art (M’s favourite, the pic right is a snap shot of it), spot planets and more

M finds it reasonably interesting but its really me that is enjoying it. In fact its inspired me to start watching ebay for cheap telescopes (by the way any advice on what to buy for a clueless would be astronomer would be appreciated).

1 Comment »

Anne & I have recently been reading and implementing coaching techniques for our home business to great effect. We have been using a coaching approach called the GROW model popularised by John Whitmore in his book Coaching for Performance. Although I feel uncomfortable with describing parenting as coaching, I was struck by how this approach is so aligned with some aspects of unschooling.

The book quotes a study by IBM which looked at the levels of recall for people being told/ shown/ having experienced something (click for bigger view as it speaks for itself). Mind you since I am just telling you this, in three months time most of you wont remember so I may as well have made up those figures!

With the importance of direct experience and ownership over solutions as a foundation Whitmore explains,

Coaching is unlocking a person’s potential to maximize their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them. […] To use coaching successfully we have to adopt a more optimistic view than usual of the dormant capability of people, all people.

And as that insightful philosopher Horton the Elephant said:

People are people, no matter how small!

… so Im guessing these principles apply to children also.

GROW coaching then is not about finding the ‘right’ answer but aims to foster self belief, awareness and responsibility in the coachee.

The coach is not a problem solver, a teacher, an adviser, an instructor or even an expert; he or she is a sounding board, a facilitator, a counselor, an awareness raiser.

That last quote is from Whitmore by the way… not Horton.

The book has insightful discussion on asking effective questions (that are open, avoid judgement and increase the requirement for observation and awareness). A simple sporting example is avoiding the common, “are you watching the ball?” and using something like, “which way is the ball spinning when it comes over the net?”

There is also interesting notes on listening, he does not use the term ‘mindful’ but Whitmore basically is describing the need for self awareness and detachment in the process to avoid projecting your stuff on others and to simply understand them.

Whitmore comments:

Perhaps the hardest thing a coach has to do is learn how to shut up

As I said we read this to apply in a business context and I don’t think its an exact fit in the parenting world. For a start the idea of goals are often quite fluid, especially for those of us with younger children.

Yesterday M had a stated goal of wanting to build a helicopter out of wood. Rather than me going into coaching mode I watched her dive right into sawing a piece of wood. Her goal suddenly changed as she realised that she had never actually sawn a piece of wood right through. The helicopter idea was soon forgotten after she reached this new goal.

Perhaps other more coachable goals will arise as our children get older… those of you with older kids might like to comment? Right now it is really more about play, exploration and joy… having said that I hope these goals persist throughout their entire life

Another key difference is the power of parents to model. To live our values rather than tell our values. And its true that one of the most challenging things for me to do is “learn how to shut up” and trust in the process more.

So while I still dont see myself as ‘my children’s coach’… reading this book has reminded me to focus on trust and giving my children support which is based on confidence and space.

That was today anyway. Now to work out how Im going to stay on track tomorrow

6 Comments »

Some of my fondest memories of my youth was time spent with my family, our next door neighbours and a couple of my brother’s friends as we trawled through swamps, fought a huge array of monsters, raised armies, trapped dragons, fled from trolls and plundered treasure… oh… and we died on numerous occasions.

Of course we did this from the comfort of our families dining room table with lots of chips, juice and toilet breaks to keep us going.

For those unitiated into the way of the nerd – I am talking about my mispent youth of playing the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons, or D&D as its known to its friends. Actually it has more friends than you might think, with over 20 million people having played it!

I wanted to write this post now in part as a tribute to the creator of D&D, Gary Gygax who died earlier this month. His creative legacy continues and has made a big impact on many.

Actually it in part led me to have children, after all now I have the opportunity to literally grow my own nerds so in a few years I will have in-house D&D partners… I know what you are thinking, ‘it would have been easier to place a classified’ right? wrong! Have you tried to find a nerd that you could cope living with!?!! No, much better to grow them, it takes longer but is definately worth it in the long run.

It’s a slow process and I have been laying the foundations for sometime. M is 6yrs old now but for the last 2 years I have been telling stories about “Annabel’s World”. M & I worked out this world together which includes Annabel the rainbow fairy and her friends such as GoGo the Giant; Ruby the rainbow dragon (what can i say? the girl loves rainbows!); the Grumpy Witch and Fadoogle her pet dog to name but a few.

I tell these stories as interactive “choose your own adventure” sort of things. We recorded a number of these a and even added some music & the odd sound effect.

A favourite of mine is Annabel & the Hungry Monster which was one of several stories recorded when M was 4 years old, it goes for seven minutes and you can listen to it online here. Listenting to it will also explain the title of this post.

Annabel stories were loads of fun, however after several Annabel stories a day over a couple of years… they have started to get harder and harder to tell (M is not usually as forthcoming with the plot as she was in the Hungry Monster example above).

I thought about introducing D&D now, but M is quite a sensitive soul who does not like scary monsters or the like. So after days of web searching I managed to find Faery Tales, which is a younger, toned down role-playing game that can start kids (and adults) along the role playing path.

I’ve already ordered it, yet to read it, let alone play it with a bunch of kids so Im not sure about it yet… but it was encouraging to see that there is a market out there for introducing nerdy games early.

Would love to hear from you other rpg nerds out there. Anyone tried this game or know of other similar ones?

12 Comments »

SPLAT!

It was the sound of our 21 month old son Z falling from the second step of a step ladder onto the kitchen floor.

A few years ago, if that was M, I probably would have jumped in and scooped her up like I was some pseudo action hero… checking for blood, tears or anything.

That was several years ago and I’ve been working on things a lot since then.

So with this particular SPLAT I did not jump to the rescue. I kept an eye on Z but did not say anything or move towards him at all. In this instance Z simply jumped up, rubbed his knee, made brief eye contact with me (I still tried to remain attentive without presuming anything), then he happily ran off towards some other adventure.

Of course sometimes he will cry out and in such cases I will be there to hold, cuddle and attend to him. But giving him a moment to process without having to react to “my stuff”, expectations or assumptions, has meant that Z can decide what is really happening for himself.

This approach has another side to it. I almost instinctively want to say, “it’s OK”, or “you are alright” if I am holding my crying kids after they have been hurt. But just as I am trying to let go of my assumptions about when my kids should cry, I also want to let go of my issues around when they should stop crying.

I am learning to trust their judgement and self awareness about when they need to express pain or simply just release pent up emotions. I am learning (ever so slowly and painfully it seems) to sit with their feelings without wanting to fix or control the situation.

It is definitely not easy and something I have to do extremely consciously. With M who is 6 years old it involves breaking long standing habits for both of us. But its worth it… as its another step in my ongoing attempts to trust, accept and really support my children.

7 Comments »

Welcome to a new monthly feature for the Parenting Pit… The Pit Stop, which will highlight wonderful parenting sites & resources around particular themes each month.

I wanted to kick off the first Pit Stop with two sites from other Dads, although the content is relevant to all parents:

SCOTT NOELLE’S ENJOY PARENTING
If you have been around non coercive/ mindful parenting/ unschooling sites or egroups you hopefully already know about Scott’s Daily Groove emails. If not subscribe to the Daily Groove here and get regular short tips on being mindful and joyous in your parenting and life. Given how many he writes I am amazed at the number of gems Scott manages to come up with. Scott’s emails are short, to the point and often suggest practical approaches to concretely impact on your day. Scott also offers parental coaching from his site which I have not experienced but I suspect would be very powerful.

BOB COLLIER’S PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE
The strength of this site is its ability to plug you into a range of thinkers and writers in the alternative parenting world. Bob has edited two free ebooks entitled “Guiding Stars of the New Parenting Movement” volume 1 and 2. Between them they include bios and articles from the likes of Jan Hunt, Pam Leo, Alfie Kohn, Naomi Aldort, Scott Noelle and many, many more. Did I mention they were free!?!! Thanks Bob! Also subscribe to Bob’s monthly newsletter that collects interesting and current articles around parenting from all over the web.

Stay tuned for more Pit Stop’s next month…

1 Comment »

It was a three pronged coordinated attack. Despite me thinking that a dog would be too much, I faced M talking about how much she would love one; Z dropping everything and yelling in excitement whenever a dog went past; and Anne finding the “perfect” dog in the paper… So I caved and we have done the puppy thing. Let me introduce Lulu (i was pushing for “Killer” but was outvoted).

I would love to hear any tips on puppy’s and kids or just on puppy training in general… if you have ideas or links please feel free to leave them in the comments below. (as mentioned in the last post i would make a terrible rat trainer… so i think that ive got a steep learning curve with dog training too)

16 Comments »

Let me unequivocally state here and now that consistency is essential, non negotiable and crucial in parenting… if you are going down the behavioural modification road.

The bastion of mainstream parenting, this approach generally has shaping and moulding children’s behaviour into acceptable forms as its primary goal.

Studies show that consistency is crucial to this end. OK, I admit that Im one of those people who normally start sentences with the words “studies show…” when I have absolutely no evidence or facts to back up my claim… but this time I mean it!

It was in Thomas Gordon’s PET book i read about the the classic experiment with rats being trained to jump through a trap door (yes that’s why the big smiley picture of the rat… see, its all coming together hey?). The scientists got the rats to do what they wanted using a series of rewards & punishments… and it got the desired results.

When they “shifted the goal posts” and began to get inconsistent with the rewards & punishments, not only did the behavior of the rats start to go off track (they did not jump through the trap door properly when they were ‘meant’ to)… but they also got skin disorders, some went catatonic and others would not eat!!!

The obvious conclusion therefore seems to be that inconsistency is a health hazard. The argument goes further: that consistent boundaries, rules and implications will empower children because they know what to expect and when to expect it.

Now some of you who have been reading closely might have noted the one small flaw in the argument…

yes!

OUR CHILDREN ARE NOT RATS! You are perceptive, it took me four years to work that one out!

So if you do not get into the behavior modification thing as your primary goal… and instead are focused on connection, understanding and nurturing… then what?

Personally I still try to be consistent… but now I aspire to consistently understand & connect to the best of my ability. I aim to consistently be forgiving and compassionate (with myself, my children & others). I consciously and consistently aim to mindfully engage with each moment, again with my standard extremely handy disclaimer and escape clause… to the best of my ability.

Some of my actions might seem inconsistent – whether its negotiating with my children rather than setting and enforcing limits. Or trying to understand and address underlying needs rather than having a punitive response to some “undesirable action”.

So yes I probably would make a bad rat trainer… I can only hope that my kids think Im doing ok as a parent

8 Comments »

Two interesting articles doing the rounds recently caught my eye. The first was published by the BBC and asks in its headline, “Is five too soon to start school?”.

(btw – thanks to Scott Stantis for the cartoon).

The article compares England’s experience with countries such as Sweden, Denmark and Finland where school begins at seven years of age. A Cambridge based review of this question states:

The assumption that an early starting age is beneficial for children’s later attainment is not well supported in the research and therefore remains open to question

The report also notes that motivation for an early school age was historically about “child protection and social conditioning rather than learning.” It is interesting that the focus of the article is what age to start school given the journalist’s admission that:

One of the most intriguing statistics from international comparisons is the lack of relationship between hours in the classroom and educational achievement. Finland, a global superstar in education terms, is consistently among the top performers. But it is also at the very bottom of the league in terms of the hours spent in the classroom

While brushed over in the BBC article, the idea is taken to its logical conclusion over at City on A Hill Press where they’ve published an article called “Class Dismissed”.

Its a nice contrast. The journalist takes the time to talk to a number of unschoolers (both parents and children) and seems interested in exploring the concept even through the “experts” she interviews, so she writes:

Studies have shown that this type of learning as a family dynamic has proven effective. Dr. Doris Ash is an assistant professor in UC Santa Cruz’s education department and has researched science learning in informal settings like aquariums and zoos.
“The family for me is a stand-in of a social unit that can collaborate together,” said Ash, who watches families as they interact and learn from their environment. “Some kind of exquisite mix happens between what people already know and the activity they’re learning. What kind of knowledge does [the family] build collaboratively? It’s always the case that they know more together than alone.”

Its not often that the conventional wisdom about schools gets questioned, so I for one found both articles to be a breath of fresh air… hope you do too.

2 Comments »

A friend recently emailed a link to this 2 minute video to us… hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Apparently it was part of an initiative celebrating 60 years of independence in India…

5 Comments »