About 12 hours after my last post, we were joined by H.

Anne was absolutely amazing yet again. The determination and raw, unbridled power she displays during birth are breath taking. H was birthed in the water tub which was fortunately full and heated. He was a big bub — 10.2 pounds.

His birth was fast — just over an hour.  Our wonderful friend Chrissy arrived to look after Z & M with about 30 minutes to spare, and the midwife came with about 20 minutes to spare.

M really rose to the occasion before the cavalry arrived, helping prepare the bath and keep Z occupied with food & toys. Since then M has already settled H once and is turning out to be a very willing pair of helpful hands. Z is adjusting better than we hoped, given how big a deal this is to his universe.

Anne & I are already missing sleep, but feeling very, very blessed amidst the haze.

I must admit, having ignored this blog for so long, I was totally overwhelmed by the number and sincerity of so many well wishes… many of whom we are yet to meet. So big thanks for all your kind wishes & thoughts!

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I know it’s been a while (about 7 months) since my last post, but as Einstein said, “time is relative.”

Of course he was referring to space time and how if one clock sits on a couch doing nothing but ticking and  another clock travels through space on some groovy rocket ship at close to the speed of light how one will grow old, cranky and grey first and the other will remain young and pert of buttock… or something like that (couldn’t find my “Einstein for Dummies” book before I wrote this).

That’s not quite what I’m referring too though.

I’m talking about how 8 months ago, about the time I wrote the posts below, I thought I was pretty busy. Trying to foster a loving relationship with my partner, hanging out with our two children, growing a home based business, doing other life things and writing a novel seemed to fill my time.

Then the news came: Anne was pregnant!

I’m no hypocrite, I had used the formula on this page to derive our perfect number of kids,  but sometimes things just happen.

That’s when I really discovered that time was relative. How suddenly, knowing what I knew about having babies, I realised that I had a tremendous amount of time now… before the sleep deprivation starts again anyway.

So for the last 8 months I have been extremely focused. I’ve really tried to prioritise my real life relationships with my partner and kids, I’ve almost finished the first draft of my novel and been trying to catch up on sleep… In preparation for what is to come in the next few days.

So tonight I sit here… our daughter is playing with dolls next to me. Anne & our son are asleep.

It could almost be a normal night, except for the massive birthing pool filling up with hot water in the other room, preparing for our homebirth. The due date is arriving in a few hours and Anne often delivers on or around the due date. I’ve got my “to do” list so I can remain calm when Anne tells me it’s all happening. She’s the one doing all the important stuff I know, but I still need a to do list for me…

And then back in baby land.

Am I excited? EXTREMELY! Am I scared shitless? Definitely. Am I wondering how I will have time to do anything else for the next two years? Very much so… Would I trade my situation for anyone else? Never!

I know that time is relative. I am preparing to enjoy the new bub every moment possible, even when I’m sleep deprived and grumpy (and when Anne is even more sleep deprived and even more grumpy). I can do this because I know that in a blink of an eye he (yes we know it’s a he), will be grown up…

You’ll still hear from me on occasion. In the wee small hours when everyone in the house is asleep and my brain is too fried to work or write. I’ll try to add a few things to this blog… but time is relative and it might be a relatively long time  

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Just a quick post to say that i’m still alive & kicking.

I made it back from my trip to the USA with very fond memories of meeting other unschoolers including Arp & Trish (and hearing of their impending move to Costa Rica). I especially appreciated staying with Phoenix & his family who were extremely generous in opening up their house to a complete stranger from australia with a blog.

It was marvelous and inspiring to see how present Jac was with Phoenix who thrived of her attention and understanding. I’ve been writing a lot since I came back but, as you might have noticed, not much for the Pit. My silence must be working as the visitors to this site keeps going up and I’ve had over thirty new subscribers since my last post! Maybe I should not write more often?

Well if you are keen to stay in touch with my infrequent updates subscribing to the Pit is a good idea. I only email out about updates occasionally so it wont overwhelm your inbox.

The reason I’ve been a bit slow here is because I’m working on a science fiction novel(s) and more recently a bunch of short stories. If that is your thing you can go to my other site at www.arunaway.net. At the moment all that’s there is the option to subscribe for updates and in 2009 i will start posting stories and stuff on it.

I will still be posting to the Pit, but if things are slower than usual you will know that my first novel is getting closer to completion (or possibly that I’ve lost it with my kids and don’t want to tell you about it!)

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I will be in New York in a few weeks! From October 27 to October 31.

It will be the longest time I’ve spent away from my kids (8 days in total, the other few days I have a commitment for our biz). I’ve been discussing ‘how to make it work’ for M (6yrs) and it seems as though i need to invest several days in setting up a series of treasure hunts before I go, then give her clues for them over the phone

I would love to hear ideas on how to spend my four days in New York! Any tips will be most welcome as I want to make the most of my time there.

And I have to ask… (warning: gratuetous self serving plug alert) if anyone out there lives in New York and happens to have a spare couch I could crash on, I would also be eternally grateful

Otherwise it would just be fun to meet with other unschooling families so let me know if you are around there even if you want to keep your couch free of tourists…

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I’ve written a few posts about our attempts to “find the ‘Yes’” in situations with our children. I had a recent reminder that some of my ‘Yesses’ are still not making the grade.

Z (2 years) has been waking up around 5am for the last few months which Anne & I are finding very challenging. On one of these occasions Anne had to get early to do some work.

I was still half asleep in bed and I could hear her tell Z: “go ask Dad to read you this book.”

The little footsteps drew closer than peering over me, a book suddenly resting on my head, the cute voice came: “Dadda. You read me this book?”

Barely conscious I replied, “Yes sure. But first sit next to me and play with your van for a few minutes, I’ll have a quick sleep then I’ll read you the book.” (he has a van which he often contently puts dolls in and out of for an hour at a time).

I closed my eyes and heard him jump off the bed and the steps recede… I assumed he was going to get more toys to put on the bed.

Then his voice floated in from outside, “Mama…”

“Yes?” Anne replied.

“Dadda said no. Will you read me this book?”

It seems my ‘yesses’ still need some work!

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A couple of weeks ago as M (6yrs) was climbing a tree she asked if anyone in the world live in trees.

Drawing from my knowledge of ancient indigenous cultures in the modern world… I gave the obvious answer:

“I dunno!!”

It would have been easy to forget about it since she did not mention it again. But one of the things I am really enjoying is taking her questions seriously and finding answers to them… even the ones that seem to be ‘throw away questions’ and just idle ponderances.

This in turn has made we wonder how the hell did parents homeschool before the web!??!

When we got home I invited her to search for an answer with me on google, in this instance she enthusiastically agreed and we found out about the Kombai clan in Papau New Guinea (pictured). This in turn led to us chatting about cannibalism (which some claim the Kombai were/ are) and led her to dig out our copy Pippi Longstocking that night (whose father was meant to be a ‘king of cannibals’).

Days later a meandering conversation about eggs, chicks and chickens led to her asking do horses have hair when they are born?. Minutes later we watched several horse births thanks to the magic of YouTube.

Other questions over the last week: “what is spit for?” or “who was the first person to find gold and what’s so good about it anyway.” M was not really interested in the answer to the spit one (though I was), but the gold one took us on a whole adventure because although i turned up information on “precious metals” and ancient Egyptian civilisations each new answer led to her asking new questions.

Yesterday’s questions included how did people become people from gorillas (which was my feeble and relatively inaccurate attempt at explaining evolution months ago coming back to haunt me) and how did people work out that the world was not flat, since it looks flat… which I was excited about but M then moved on from very rapidly.

These conversations often happen in a broken, unpredictable way at unpredictable times. They also rely on me containing myself on the rare occasion she asks something I actually know – I am learning the art of letting go of “teachable moments” and providing information that she wants to know, rather than doing an information dump of what I know or what I think she ‘should’ know.

Oh … and playing “follow the question” is just as interesting with our 2 yr old son. It’s extremely different but just as rewarding & fun. He is well and truly in the “why” stage.Rather than dismissing or ignoring his “why’s”, I have started to challenge myself to answer each one seriously with age appropriate answers. This leads to a second challenge – how many whys can i give legitimate answers to in a row without repitition of answers… (my record is nine, although dp got to 10 the other night!).

So for example one from earlier in the week:

let’s sit at the table; why ; to have dinner ; why ; because we need food and its fun to eat together ; why ; why do we need food or why do I think its fun to eat together? ; why you need food? ; because our bodies turn the food into energy and use it to grow ; why ; ummm….. hey look butter chicken! Yum!! (not one of my better attempts but gives you an idea)

Whether it be from M or Z, I am enjoying their wonderment and playful curiousity about the world.

I am finding that the process of taking their questions seriously is renewing and healing my own natural curiousity, which had come into a beating from years of institutionalised learning and being ‘taught’ at school and uni.

Yet another gift to thank my children for

——

Its two days since i wrote the post above… i just had to add the question that M asked today, it was: “If a Ninja went to the dump and got a really massive piece of metal, then they hit it really hard with their head, could they make it crumble into tiny pieces?”   …. hmmm now how do i google that?     scarey thing is, there is probably a video of someone trying to do that on youtube!

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A very funny, albeit very sad article from the satirical online mag, the Onion:

 6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss Of Formal Schooling

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local first-grader Connor Bolduc, 6, experienced the first inkling of a coming lifetime of existential dread Monday upon recognizing his cruel destiny to participate in compulsory education for the better part of the next two decades, sources reported. 

  for the full article go to the Onion site here…

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I admit it. I am still a reforming parenting control freak.

You wouldn’t know it to chat to me. Or by the fact I am into unschooling and trusting my children. But in all honesty it is a constant effort not to “do things for them”, or more often “to tell them or make them do it the ‘right’ way.”

Embracing trust and letting go of control is a conscious decision I make several times a day… at dinner its more like several times a second!

To follow are some of the tips and techniques I’ve found useful in my own journey, I hope that it might assist all you other reforming parenting control freaks out there!

1. DON’T WATCH

This method is great for wild play or climbing. Rather than shouting “be careful or you’ll fall and break your neck” and probably make them fall and break their neck in the process, I have found it sometimes better just not to watch. If I find myself bursting to say something I try to limit it to “do you feel safe doing that?”.

2. BUILD YOUR OWN SANDCASTLE

Whether watching your child build a sandcastle or make a birthday card for your partner, sometimes the best advice is to do your own as well. Creating one yourself allows you to let go of your child’s creation. You can still help but come in on a very defined task of your child’s choosing, think of yourself as an “outside (and subordinate) contractor” rather than an equal partner in their project… after all you’ve got your own!

3. ASK QUESTIONS

Its a powerful exercise to spend a day trying to ask questions and not telling at all. Questions can be used for evil as well as goodness since they can have big agendas behind them (“are you going to wear that?” or “do you think that’s appropriate?”). So even better is to try to ask questions that you do not know the answer too. If done with an openess it can shift you into a spirit of being playful and curious which is much more fun than being anal and controlling.

4. IT’S ABOUT YOU

Every time something is pushing your parenting buttons and you want to try to control something/ change someone/ make something right etc etc.. A useful shift is to focus on yourself. To ask “how can I make an internal shift to better deal with this situation?” Basically its trying to accept the behavior of your child and focusing on your own behaviour/ modelling (something you do have some control over).

Another aspect to this is if you really, really need to comment, doing it from your perspective, eg. “I find that…” rather than “you should…”. Commenting and then being open to what happens (or does not happen) next is quite an art.

5. GET PERSPECTIVE TO EMBRACE CHANGE

In the midst of a “situation” it can be useful to get perspective by remembering what your child was like one year ago. Even two years ago. You might even carry some pictures to make the point to yourself. Impermanence and change are universal characteristics but can be most obvious in children. Seeing how they are changing and growing might remind you that this moment will never, ever come again. That in turn might assist you accepting it joyfully for what it is right now.

6. TAKE THE UNDIES AND CAPE OFF

Know your imperfections and embrace them. Get rid of the undies and cape (ie any attempt to be a super hero) instead just be you. Self acceptance of yourself including your faults will generally help to accept others as they are.

7. EMBRACE LEARNING AS EXPERIENCING

Telling someone the answer is not nearly as effective as them experiencing it. So have confidence to give your children the space to fall, fail and whatever as they experience and engage with life.

8. ENJOY THE RIDE, FORGET THE DESTINATION

Try to let go of the perfect picture or end result by really focusing all your attention into what is happening right in front of you. If your child has just smothered cream over your kitchen table try to let go of the image of a “pristine table” in your head and ask “what can we do with this creamy table?”. Perhaps you might end up drawing in it before cleaning together? Perhaps drive toys cars over it? The possibilities are endless and a better way to occupy your mind than worrying about what “should” be happening.

9. DISPLACEMENT

If you still feel that “controlling beast” in you just waiting to rear its ugly head, then perhaps one strategy might be directing it more effectively. Take the pressure away from your kids and choose something definable to assert your control over. It might be your desk, your sock draw, for me it was the (unfortunate) dog we got. Something to let your controlling nature out where it wont do damage to your children or partner while you continue to work on getting rid of it altogether.

10. PARENT LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW

At those really trying times, imagine what would be your response if this was the last day you spent with your child. How would that affect your level of compassion, understanding and acceptance. Would it really be so important that they behaved in the way you want? Parenting like there is no tomorrow is a great final line when all else fails.

I’ll let you into a well kept secret on this one – if you do parent like there is no tomorrow, one day you will be right! So enjoy the day while its yours and your child to share. Let go and trust!

—–

That’s some of the approaches Ive used… please feel free to comment and add your own below.

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Why have the unschooling magazines gone?

First Live Free Learn Free went electronic and now seems to be no more. Then more recently Life Learning Magazine got absorbed into its bigger cousing Natural Parenting Magazine.

Meanwhile Connections online magazine seems to be the last one standing but is very infrequent.

So if unschooling is growing what is happening to all the unschooling mags?

I suspect its a combination of three things:

1. that the people putting them out are often unschoolers themselves and want to spend more time with their kids
2. that it is difficult to find appropriate advertisers for an unschooling publication which by definition does not rely on curriculum or ‘out of the box’ solutions
3. that there is a vibrant and growing blogosphere and email culture within the unschooling community

I personally hope that a new magazine or one of the ones mentioned stages a major comeback (hint hint Danielle… please get more Connections out!)…

Until that time if you are looking for inspiration and support as well as the many fantastic blogs you can access a range of great egroups where unschooling mums (they are pretty much always mums) offer their time and wisdom extremely generously. I still lurk on some egroup pretty much every day to help keep me on track.

To help find what might be right for you, I just did a major update to the Unschooling & Parenting Egroup review page which you can read here.

One of the most noticable newcomers is a social networking site for radical unschoolers, my post “Snapshots” below was part of the blog carnival that has been launched on that site, but there are many other options listed also.

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I really enjoyed writing a post a little while ago about “Finding the Yes”.

However i feel motivated to write a little more clearly about this topic given the steady stream of mainstream (and often alternative) parenting commentators talking about how essential boundaries and “just saying ‘no’” are. From Dr Phil right through to personal development writer Stephanie Dowrick, it seems extremely unpopular to “just say ‘yes’”.

The “anti- ‘yes’” movement makes a number of assumptions. In particular they assume that ‘yes’ generally comes from one of two perspectives in parenting:

1. the first is the ‘yes’ that comes from submitting a parent’s own needs. Its a yes that is actually insincere and generally followed by a great deal of resentment. It is often called “permissive parenting”, though given that permissive refers simply to “giving permission” i think a more accurate term would be “submissive parenting”. This can be a real problem but it does not lie in the “yes”, rather that the yes comes at someones expense… the classic win/ lose scenario.

2. the second sort of ‘yes’ that such commentators refer to is one that comes from a place of not caring or participating in the child’s life. It is sometimes called “unparenting” or in many cases simply being negligent.

But there is a third perspective that is generally ignored… and its not “just saying ‘no’”.

The “yes” that i was talking about in this post is one that has a context. It is one that is supported with positive modeling, connection and communication. It is a “yes” that finds solutions that works for all parties involved and might therefore involve looking at underlying needs behind a request and perhaps involve negotiation or evolution.

It is miles away from what such commentators generally talk about.

Its not one i always manage to find but its definitely one i’m committed to seek out more and more.

It can be found in a parenting style which is extremely proactive which is why i like using the description of it being “the most hands on way of being hands off.”

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