Since my last post we moved to Melbourne. We did this because of all cities in australia, it has the most choice through the largest and most active homeschool community, plus the broadest range of alternative schools.

M (9yrs) has almost reached her 3nd term of schooling, is now at Village School, and really enjoying it.

Z (5 yrs) is currently homeschooled and we suspect will continue to do so all the way through (he has little interest in school and i don’t think it would really meet his needs at all).

H (2yrs) likes to honk people on the nose.

When i look at what M enjoys about school— it’s the activity and friendships that she can access every day. Ironically now we’re back in Melbourne, we would more be able to access similar things through the homeschooling community much more easily.

We’ve talked to M about this and she is tempted to try homeschooling again next year, but Im cautious. The mysterious health issue i referred to in my last post was Anne having chronic fatigue. This has been an ongoing issue and she has valiantly been working with countless health practitioners and alternative bods over the years, to move her iron levels from the non existent to creep onto the scale.

She does amazingly well given the energy she has, and has some high powered days mixed with some which are very challenging. As a result, often a generous chunk of parenting, household & business responsibilities fall on me.

We talk to homeschoolers who do it with little effort and are occasionally tempted to go for it again. Certainly that’s anne’s feeling—as wonderful as Village School is, we do appreciate the choice and social environment provided by homeschooling in particular.

However for me, homeschooling and unschooling in particular, requires a great deal of parental pro-activity. And I think at this stage, I’m still not up for that.

Having said that, it’s still our aspiration as Anne’s health improves and we get back on track. Until then, Im thankful that M has such a great option to experience.

It’s a huge change and not one we take lightly, but because I’ve been such an advocate of unschooling, its one i wanted to explain a little …

Anne & I have a vision for the type of homeschooling we embarked on as being exciting, stimulating and most importantly full of connection with each other, our children and a supportive community. We love the unschooling catch cry, ‘the world is our classroom’, and wanted to create an environment where our kids could go on a journey of self discovery and truly engage with this amazing, complex world on their terms.

High expectations definitely, but there were days when we seemed to get close. Well, perhaps not days, but moments—times of connection and joy that was enough to make us feel vindicated in our decision.

However as we took stock over the new year’s break we realised that those moments have become fewer and fewer, with longer stretches in between. I’ve mentioned the challenges we had over a year ago with the birth of our third child in a post called Adventures in Crappy Parenting — the fact is, between juggling the needs of our three kids, ourselves and dealing with an ongoing health issue, we never really got our mojo back from that point.

As a result homeschooling for M (who is turning 9 in a couple of weeks) has moved a long, long way from our vision. While Z (who is 4) is the sort of child who enjoys staying at home and inventing new things to do and play with, M is the sort who thrives on new experiences, adventures and people to engage with.

Around December we chatted to M about what she wanted to do in the coming year . She expressed the same interests in new experiences and being exposed to more options each day, rather than having to generate things by herself. I found myself making promises of the sorts of fun things we’d do, the activities Anne & I would organise, the initiatives we’d make… all the while having a funny sense of dejavu. It was a day later that I remembered we’d made similar commitments in 2009, and had implemented almost none of them.

Still we thought, there must be ways to make unschooling work better for us… One of the options that grabbed Anne’s imagination was unschooling on the road, and embarking on some big travels. This would have been wonderful for M in many ways, but the reality is we have to engage in long negotiations to get Z going for a walk, let alone setting off on major trips. Still its something we explored for a long time, and well might try in the future…

Then we considered moving to a place with more homeschoolers so we could plug into things more (in our current location there are literally a handful of homeschoolers). This was appealing also, but it still felt that time in between such activities were long days, where even when M wanted to do something interesting or new we were having to put her off while we juggled the needs of her siblings, health issues, our home business and our own needs.

So after much consideration we have decided to move to Brisbane and try out school. We chose carefully, selecting Brisbane Independent School (BIS) (at the time of posting their website was down, but there’s a little about them on wikipedia) which is based on a democratic model, has a total of about 50 students and similar values to ours. But as interesting as BIS is, I still must admit to initially feeling like a failure after we made the decision.

I’ve read about single parents unschooling 4 plus kids; even others who work part time as well… so the question came crashing into our ego’s: ‘why couldn’t we make it work?’

After a little while i realised how useless that question was… the fact is, our homeschooling experience has not been living up to our expectations or desires since the birth of H, and when we looked at what M’s life experience was, the word that came to mind was ‘uninspiring’.

She’d raised the option of school a few times in the last couple of years, and each time we’ve shifted what we’re doing, trying out more dance classes, hiring some help to look after the boys so we can do some more one on one, but they were often short lived and still never managed to really meet her needs…

This time, for the first time, we raised the idea. M quickly expressed that she wanted to try school but had three main concerns:

1.  she wanted a fair bit of choice, for example she didn’t want to have to sit in a classroom all day if it was a beautiful day outside.

2.  she was concerned about bullying

3.  she would miss us and wanted to see us during the day still

We were surprised that she’d  thought this through enough to have a list ready but explained that the BIS option best addresses each of her concerns. So for example we intend to be active in the school community and help out at the school itself regularly (which is encouraged); the small group plus high ratio of conscious adults would make bullying unlikely and/ or able to be addressed; and she will have more autonomy and choice than in traditional schools.

Since then, she has been absolutely ecstatic about the decision. Nervous, but very excited.

That’s helped a lot. It’s really been how We’ve gone from focusing on those feelings of being a failure, to saying that this is our current reality and this decision is the best way forward for our family now.

When i think on those terms I must admit to feeling massive relief. It’s been a hard couple of years, and I know things will change, but in the meantime doing BIS  feels like the best way of reaching our goals of creating an exciting, stimulating and connected environment for our family.

Do i regret unschooling to this point? Definitely not. We’ve had some wonderful times and I think it’s really been wonderful to provide M with the space to get to know herself without many external pressures. I feel now at the age of 9, she can approach school with more confidence and self awareness. It will no doubt present challenges, but frankly the way we were homeschooling had its own set of challenges too.

Can we still unschool while M goes to school? I know people talk about doing this, and of course at home we will provide the same freedom and support to her as always, but i do feel things change significantly with school… I’ll write about this more in the future.

Might we unschool in the future? Yes, we just want to do what’s the best for our family and find the ways to meet our respective needs and live the most connected & joyful life possible…  the strategies to achieve that will change with our situation. Right now we’re not making long term plans, but we’re confident that BIS is the best next step forward.

What’s the capital of Estonia? I’d have to google that, but that question probably means that I’ve written enough for now…

Particular thoughts to Erica & Maree, the organisers of the unschooling conf, whose homes were spared in the deluge but live in Ipswich, one of the most devastated areas.

It’s inspiring reading the stories of communities gathering together and supporting one another, but also alarming to think about the long term impact of mountains of top soil washed away and what it means for Australia’s ecosystem…

In the meantime if you want to have a visual before & after comparison of the impact see the ABC pictures here, or make a donation to help flood relief here.

This video particularly takes aim at ‘psychiatric conditions’ but i feel similar criticism could be made of all sorts of labels, even self imposed ones. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an absolute label hater, i just think they are to often used for evil instead of goodness 

What do i mean?

Labels are short hand descriptions and generalisations with both the strengths and weaknesses that come from that. For me they can often be the means to quickly access trends in ideologies, philosophies, groups of people, resources or approaches.

Having said that i think once a label has been used to discover such things its wise to just as quickly shed the label… as labels have a funny way of flipping from being a platform from which to explore new fields and horizons, to becoming a ceiling which can keep you boxed in (and others out).

In the past ive found some labels invaluable in accessing ideas in politics to parenting that would have taken me years to unravel otherwise. But i also know that ive all too often stuck myself in such labels and used them to make others wrong—judging them and keeping them at a distance.

As i get older and see the way ive done this in the past i tend to be less judgemental (its all still there, but i listen to it less) and hopefully more open to the world and the many choices within it…

Actually, in the process of updating wordpress I discovered about 50 comments that had been picked up as spam over the last year… so sorry if one of them was yours, ive approved them now (better late than never!).

Our family enjoyed making new friends, connecting with old ones, and i cant remember ever feeling so validated or aligned about our parenting choices. There were so many people exploring unschooling and connected parenting — it was just a wonderful environment to be in.

I finally got to meet people like Bob Collier & Dayna Martin which was great, and the talks / discussions all helped challenge various ruts and modes of behaviours id gotten into. Ive noticed changes since returning— including going back to my favourite egroups to try to maintain the feeling of support that we got for those few days. Ive also been approaching sibling conflicts with more compassion, that i had trouble mustering before the conference.

Im bias but one of the highlights for me was Anne (my partner) speaking on Highly Sensitivities & Unschooling. It took a lot for her to present it but from feedback ive had there were quite a few lightbulb moments of parents realising and becoming compassionate to their own sensitivities, that of their partners or children.

I also loved the informal stuff — hanging out by the pool and hearing adults treating children respectfully; the talent show which was loads of fun; and so much more.

Unschooling/ natural learning has been in this country for decades, but gathering so many interested families for this event really felt like the beginning of something big. I believe Kelly Lovejoy started the first unschooling conf in the US years ago, and now they’ve sprouted into so many regional events. Similarly the conference here seemed to mark the beginning of Australia’s unschooling movement really going to the next level.

I’m truly in awe of the organisers Erica Perry & Maree Riedel, whose vision and tireless hard work made it happen. There was so much attention to detail — from the kids play tent for ever being stocked with new activities; unschooling tshirts & showbags; the organic and healthy meal options; a bush dance; right down to the little flags with unschooling quotes that decorated the space.

Even more inspiring was my chat with them the day after… while still celebrating their success Maree & Erica were already planning bigger and better things for next year. You’ll hear more about this but for now, no matter where you are, keep early September 2011 free for a holiday to Australia… and hopefully ill see you at the second Australian Unschooling Retreat!

“One day there was a huge volcano full of swirling lava and burning gas. A rock fall at the peak of the volcano closed its top over, trapping the lava and gas inside. From the outside it looked like a peaceful mountain, but inside it was growing hotter and more turbulent by the second.

Just then a clueless father decided to climb the volcano. He made it half way up and, while admiring the view, decided to plant a flag in the ground to show how high he’d reached. The flag pole made a small prick in the volcano’s side and suddenly all the gas and lava that had been trapped inside exploded through that small hole and blew the daddy away.”

I assured her that no dads were hurt in this story, and she eventually understood the point. At the time she was experiencing bouts of intense anger. These were due to a number of factors which she had trouble identifying at the time and was challenged in finding healthy ways to ‘release’ those emotions.

The way her emotions were usually triggered was when i would do something stupid (which happened quite regularly) — perhaps make a bad joke; almost step on her pet mouse; or accidentally drop something on her head… and bang! It all came out.

While it was wonderful that she could release such emotions, and obviously she felt safe with Anne & I so she was able to do it, I found myself adopting a mantra for a while: “I don’t want to be the prick on the volcano!”

A lot has changed in the last four years and M (who is now 8yrs) does not have the same rage issues, however the question of how to release pent up emotions remain, and of course particularly in these challenging times this question is just as relevent for Anne & I.

So how do we find more healthy outlets for our anger and emotions… here are some of the methods we aim to use more:

- connection: simple understanding, empathy and acknowledgment from self and each other. Part of this is bringing awareness to it… which is more challenging than it sounds
- crying: when it starts to let it rip, not distracting or dismissing but allowing it to flow
- laughing: similar to crying, though Ive noted it seems to be a different sort of release
- creativity: for M it’s drawing, for Anne it’s singing… but the process of creating can seem to channel that emotion up and out
- physical: M and Z have both used a physical outlet of the trampoline or running or play fights with me or Anne to help connect and express feelings

In reality the most successful experiences often use a combination…

At worst I still manage to end up being the prick.

Meanwhile we are moving back into using Non Violent Communication. The last time I used it, a few years ago, I ended up stopping becasue i felt that the speech grated and ended up serving as a block in my attempts to connect with our kids and Anne. I tried to internalise the process and speak in plain english. This is still my ideal… but right now my ideal is lightyears away, so im using more formal nvc to move forward and not worrying about how it sounds so much until i get some basics covered…

I really am appreciating the strengths of the nvc process much more this time round. Im finding it really powerful to observe, look at feelings, go to the needs and then finally explore strategies (which is happening more each day). The language still irks me at times (ie. “does not meet my need for authenticity”)… but the process really is powerful for breaking us out of the lows I previously posted about.

It’s an effort: Anne and I find ourselves constantly going to the kitchen cupboard where we’ve pinned up the list of nvc feelings and needs to help identify what is happening for us or others. It’s also a sense of dejavu as i described similar feelings a few years ago in the article “Parenting is Making My Brain Hurt”… Anne and i can often be found standing in the midst of a conflict or intense situation with the kids, with our mouths open looking like our brain has exploded… so a way to go, but its a huge step up from shouting!

So we are starting again in many ways… but at least things are on the way up

AUSTRALIAN UNSCHOOLING CONFERENCE RETREAT

September 3 – 7. 2010. @ The beautiful Tallebudgera Tourist Park, Gold Coast, Qld.

Come together with other natural learning families for the first ever Unschooling Conference in Australia! Featuring special guest speaker Danya Martin, well known unschooling advocate.
There is a real culture of unschooling events and conferences in the USA and many of us are hoping that this event will start a similar trend here…
Visit: www.unschoolingretreat.blogspot.com for rego & information. There are early bird discounts until June 30, so get in contact with the organisers soon!

We absolutely love H (that’s our wonderful new baby, not Homer) and we feel incredibly, incredibly, incredibly blessed by his arrival… but at the same time it has been very hard at times and I’ve found myself thinking, “What have we done?”

Perhaps it’s the pressure of having “three” which overwhelms my small brain, or the return to “babyland”, or most likely just plain old fashion sleep deprivation — but whatever it is, I have truly regressed. From someone who barely ever raised my voice, I now find myself swearing and shouting almost every day.

It’s not helped by the fact that Z (who is now 4) in particular has found the arrival of H very challenging. His behaviour regressed in parallel to my own as he struggled with this new reality and having to share his Mum in particular.

He’s always been feisty and spirited, but these days I just don’t seem to have the same reserves to support him to be who he has in a positive way, and instead I tend to just block him.

A classic example is when we were outside a while back and he picked up a big stick and started walking towards M (who is 8yrs now). In the old days at my parenting peak I might have said something like, “That’s a fantastic stick for a fishing rod, lets see if we can catch fish in this puddle over here.”

My reaction on that day was to shout, “Put the bloody stick down and don’t you dare hit your sister!”

So here I am, discovering my inner Homer Simpson. Im compassionate about it on occasion, I know this will pass and it will be less intense, but right now I feel this blog has been aptly named, because I really am at the bottom of the Parenting Pits!