This article is based on an old blog article entitled “Solutions are not the Solution”. It was rewritten and fixed up to submit to Connections, which is a wonderful unschooling and mindful parenting ezine. It costs $10 to subscribe which is definitely worth it if you are interested in these topics! More recently it was reprinted in the July 07 edition of Life Learning Magazine (pictured left). Both publications are highly recommended for anyone interested in unschooling and mindful parenting.

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I still remember how much simpler parenting used to be. Back then I had two key tools in times of tears, stress and challenges. These tools could be summarized as: solutions and distractions.

I was very effective at generating multiple possible options (”so your doll is broken—we can fix it… we can get a better one… now it can hop better with one leg” etc., etc.). If none of my suggestions seemed to click, there was always plan B— “The doll’s broken, but look at that hole in the tree: what animal do you think lives there?”

Both strategies “worked” according to my criteria at the time. They stopped the crying; they seemed to move us on towards more enjoyable and fun exchanges. Only when I questioned all aspects of my parenting as we shifted towards radical unschooling did I begin to realize the opportunities for connection that I was missing.

SITTING WITH PAIN

I am often envious of Mums who have come to radical unschooling through some instinctive drive or natural process. As a Dad who previously bowed down to “consistent rules and defined boundaries” like parenting gods, my transformation has been slow, conscious, and at times very painful. Books have played a crucial role for me in beating my brain’s pathways away from their programmed responses and into new and unfamiliar directions. I knew that I needed a new parenting “tool kit,” and I have had many influences to that end.

Aletha J. Solter and her “Aware Parenting” movement is controversial amongst some attachment parenting circles, yet she allowed me to identify my fear of my children’s emotions—particularly their pain. Solter says, “Aware parents accept the entire range of emotions and listen non-judgmentally to children’s expressions of feelings. They realize that they cannot prevent all sadness, anger, or frustration, and they do not attempt to stop children from releasing painful feelings through crying or raging.”

Solter helped me to question my need for “a constantly happy child” and my use of quick fixes. If I was honest, my rapid solutions and distractions were about trying to return to the veneer of peace and smiles as quickly as possible. I was behaviorally focused; deeper more significant content did not come into it.

It was not just my parenting; even in my relationship with Anne, my partner, I tended to be extremely “male”—when Anne confided a problem, I would already be designing a solution before she had finished speaking! Even now it sometimes kills me just to shut my mouth and give her space to verbalize her feelings.

Once I had identified the internal drive behind my daily interactions, I could begin to let it go… again with the help of more books.

LEARNING TO LISTEN

Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effective Training (PET) and his “active listening” was an eye opener. He describes his approach as “a method of influencing children to find their own solutions to their problems.” The term “influence” is perhaps misleading, but he explains it more fully in the book.

Behind its purpose, Gordon defines active listening as, “a way of listening that focuses entirely on what the other person is saying and confirms understanding of both the content of the message and the emotions and feelings underlying the message to ensure that understanding is accurate.”

This concept was familiar to me—ironically in building our home business I had read and was using Stephen Covey’s principle of “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” In our business I acknowledged people, asked questions, gave them space to explore and express themselves and reach their own conclusions… it’s just that this approach got stuck in the “business compartment” bit of my brain and never made it across to my “parenting compartment.”

Naomi Aldort describes a similar concept in her excellent book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. She uses the term “validating.” She would describe what I did previously—jumping to solutions or distracting—as “negating” the child’s feelings and expression. She argues that such negation creates victim feelings in children and perpetuates (though maybe superficially cover up) the anger and hurt.

Aldort’s “validation” involves acknowledging fact and feelings without recourse to drama or adding our own emotional agenda. Both Gordon and Aldort refer to their years of practice and counseling in relating common mistakes of parents who try to implement these techniques. Whether it be infringing on a child’s privacy (Aldort), or maintaining an attachment to a certain outcome and manipulating the process (Gordon), or just parroting the child (Gordon). I think I can honestly state that I have fully explored all of these mistakes and some that Gordon or Aldort have never considered several times over.

BELOW THE SURFACE

One of the most powerful of my new tools, yet the one I am most inept at using is Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication (NVC). My experience is that NVC explores the feelings being expressed, but then seems to delve deeper into a situation by trying to identify underlying “needs.”

I can see the potential… I have even seen people use it to cut through a situation and create deeper connections and understanding than I considered possible. So why when I try it, does it sound like a rejected script from Bold and the Beautiful? Not one to give up, I am committed to using it more… but right now when a “melt down” is happening before my eyes, I feel like telling my daughter, “wait… just let me think for an hour, check these books, make a phone call, run some scenario’s by a few egroups, then I’ll get back to you with a response that will validate your feelings, identify your needs, support you in generating win win strategies, and connect us as two empowered yet autonomous human beings!” Back to the real world, and I find myself blurting out something like, “so… you are feeling angry?”

When I am compassionate with myself, I can acknowledge that even that response is a step up from my old approach where it might have been shouting, “hey, that cloud looks like a duck!” while pointing wildly to the sky.

ON A GOOD DAY…

I have on occasion been present to the situation. I hear my mind panicking and jumping to respond. I quiet it down and observe, then simply acknowledge my daughter’s pain or anger. I manage to sit with her emotion. When I have done this, my daughter has often simply snapped out of her intense emotion and moved on herself.

At a recent trip to the beach she realized that we had forgotten her goggles. She had been looking forward to the trip and relied on the goggles to get fully into the water. I could see the anger in her face already; it was the end of a long day, and she was quite emotional. The options were running through my head about the sort of games we could play in the water without goggles, but I kept them to myself. I also felt like saying, “It’s OK,” before launching into a distraction, yet I knew for her this was a big deal by her expression and the way she was speaking… so I chose not to “negate” her feelings.

Instead I simply said, “you are really disappointed not to have your goggles and be able to get your head wet?” In return she said, “yes.” Then to my utter surprise as I braced for the tears she said, “doesn’t matter.” My acknowledgement seemed enough in that instance.

More challenging for me has been when she has cried longer, screamed louder, or yelled even more. In a recent moment I knew her emotion was not about the particular thing that just happened (I can’t even remember what it was). We had just spent a couple of big days traveling and being with a lot of people, and she seemed to be processing a lot of emotion and feeling through that anger. Anne prevented my conditioned “find a solution” reaction with a timely reminder, which helped me get in touch with my compassion for our daughter. So I sat with her and acknowledged her non-verbally by holding her when she allowed me to or by just nodding and sitting with her.

Being non-verbal was a huge step forward for me… a big problem I am running into because these changes are so conscious (as I mentioned… I ain’t no earth mama instinctively in touch with this stuff!) that I tend to vocalize too much. My perspective becomes too analytical. As I slowly “get it” on a deeper level, the words are less and the integrity is more.

Anyway back to our screaming daughter… see I am avoiding the situation again! At the end of her yelling (for about 5 minutes… which seemed like an eternity), her yell seamlessly became a laugh. Then we briefly talked about something else (at her initiative), and she went and played by herself. She had expressed what she needed to in a supportive and loving environment and was able to move on.

EMPOWERING RATHER THAN FIXING

While the implementation of my new tool kit is often crude and slow, the transformation has begun. I am facing the fear of pain in my loved ones. I am letting go of needing to “rescue them” or “fix things,” and I know that it is enough to be there for them and to love them unconditionally.

The changes with my daughter have been massive. Previously, at worst I pretended that her pain was not real, and at best I rode to her rescue like some Knight in Shining Armor—thus relegating her to the role of a passive participant.

Now I am supporting my daughter as she expresses her pain and develops her own options and solutions to problems. I am connecting with her in a way and on a level that would have been impossible for me previously. While not always competent, I am confident in these changes—I know that I am supporting my daughter in finding her own armor, sword, and steed to deal with the inevitable challenges of life rather than creating a dependency on any Knight, shiny or otherwise!

In all honesty, sometimes my new approach to parenting is such a conscious shift that it does make my brain hurt. However, each day I can see a new, simple reality slowly coming into being. It is the simplicity of complete trust, mindfulness, connection, and joy. So yes, today my brain still hurts with the effort… but I do not mind. Even in this period of transition, I find it easy to forget about my brain when my heart is singing with the sense of potential and love of our new parenting journey…

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[Arun Pradhan equally shares running a home business and parenting with his loving partner, friend and inspiration Anne O'Casey in Byron Bay, Australia. Together they have embarked on a radical unschooling adventure with their 5 year old daughter and 11 month old son. Arun is a self confessed "reforming control freak" who is striving to change everything he every thought about parenting. He would like to have written something profound and deep right here but all he can think of is how much he likes banana smoothies. Arun maintains an alternative parenting and unschooling web site at www.theparentingpit.com.]

If you enjoyed that article why not read about how we discovered homeschooling in the article entitled,An Unschooling Journey: From Control to Connection, by clicking here.

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REFERENCES

Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training. Three Rivers Press, USA, CA. October 2000.

Solter, Aletha. Aware Baby. Shining Star Press. May 2001.

Rosenburg, Marshall. Non Violent Communication. Puddledancer Press. September 2003.

Aldort, Naomi. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Book Publishers Network. January 2006.

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