By Melissa J. Macdonald B.H.S., D.R.M., Naturopath. Aware Parenting enthusiast.

If you were having a cuppa with a friend and they started talking about their feelings and got emotional or started to cry, what would you do? We all handle these situations differently but I think most of us would listen to our friend, with empathy and understanding. We would want them to explore the emotions they were feeling and work through it so they could ‘get it off their chest’ and feel better. We would sit there and just simply be with them.

Why is it then, that we so often do not allow our own babies and children the same support and encouragement to release their emotions? We think there must be something wrong with them, they are just grumpy or over tired so we try to stop them crying because we have so much to do and other kids to look after and we just can’t listen to that noise anymore! So we use dummies or breast or bottles. We use toys that make noise; we giggle, bounce and rock them, and use any other distraction tool available. More commonly we use food, especially if our child is crying as we go through the checkout at the local supermarket.

Babies and toddlers need to cry to alert us to their needs. Maybe they need a feed, a nappy change, a nap; maybe they are too hot or have a belly ache. But often, after all these needs have been met, they just need to release all their pent up emotions and heal from any trauma they may have experienced. Even the birth process itself is traumatic for our young ones and the best way to heal from that is to have a big release cry in your loving arms. Holding your child while they cry is a nurturing and supportive way to connect with them and create a deeper bond where you are accepting your child, totally. This idea of parenting comes from the psychologist Aletha Solter Ph.D.

Solter discusses how crying actually helps the body cope with stress by releasing specific chemicals in the tears themselves. This takes the pressure off the adrenal gland and allows the body to settle and heal from a traumatic event. If these tears are not released, high levels of cortisol in the body can actually suppress the immune system function, leading to a decreased resistance to disease and a higher susceptibility to allergies.1 There have also been studies conducted that have demonstrated the relationship between crying and physical health. It showed that women with breast cancer, who had a positive attitude to expressing themselves and had a good cry, lived longer than those who suppressed their tears.2 How we behave as adults has everything to do with how we were treated as children.

There always needs to be a strong emphasis on supporting your child while they are releasing their emotions. The process of holding your child while they express themselves and remaining connected will create a safe space for healing to occur. Physical contact and closeness is the most nurturing way to provide this support. Leaving children to ‘cry it out’ on their own can cause them to suppress their emotions and hold everything inside. In fact when control crying is in place and the cries are ignored, the nervous system shuts down and the baby will give up trying to reach out. The Australian Association of Infant Mental Health (AAIMHI) advices “Control crying is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health, and may have unintended negative consequences”.3

So let’s go back to that cuppa with our friend. I choose not to sing a nursery rhyme over the top of my friends crying. I choose not to feed her chocolate cake or change the topic to avoid her tears. I choose not to point out the birds in the trees or bribe her with an outing to the park. Instead, I choose to let my friend express herself in a loving, supportive environment. I choose to acknowledge my friend for who she is and what she is experiencing. I choose to be an aware friend.

And I will choose to be an aware parent and offer my son the same courtesy that I would want to offer every human being. I want my son to express himself so he may live a healthy, happy existence. Our children are our future and I choose to respect them, nurture them and give them wings.

“How we treat the child, the child will treat the world” Pam Leo.

Melissa Macdonald is a qualified naturopath with a special interest in children’s health and wellbeing. She is passionate about parenting and believes that every child deserves to flourish in a safe and loving environment. Melissa can be contacted at innerbeing@optusnet.com.au

Reprinted with permission. Visit Melissa’s newConsciously Connecting Blog.