Why We Are Going to Try School
arun on Jan 18 2011 at 5:34 pm | Filed under: other | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
We have made the decision to send M to school <insert dramatic chord here>.
It’s a huge change and not one we take lightly, but because I’ve been such an advocate of unschooling, its one i wanted to explain a little …
Anne & I have a vision for the type of homeschooling we embarked on as being exciting, stimulating and most importantly full of connection with each other, our children and a supportive community. We love the unschooling catch cry, ‘the world is our classroom’, and wanted to create an environment where our kids could go on a journey of self discovery and truly engage with this amazing, complex world on their terms.
High expectations definitely, but there were days when we seemed to get close. Well, perhaps not days, but moments—times of connection and joy that was enough to make us feel vindicated in our decision.
However as we took stock over the new year’s break we realised that those moments have become fewer and fewer, with longer stretches in between. I’ve mentioned the challenges we had over a year ago with the birth of our third child in a post called Adventures in Crappy Parenting — the fact is, between juggling the needs of our three kids, ourselves and dealing with an ongoing health issue, we never really got our mojo back from that point.
As a result homeschooling for M (who is turning 9 in a couple of weeks) has moved a long, long way from our vision. While Z (who is 4) is the sort of child who enjoys staying at home and inventing new things to do and play with, M is the sort who thrives on new experiences, adventures and people to engage with.
Around December we chatted to M about what she wanted to do in the coming year . She expressed the same interests in new experiences and being exposed to more options each day, rather than having to generate things by herself. I found myself making promises of the sorts of fun things we’d do, the activities Anne & I would organise, the initiatives we’d make… all the while having a funny sense of dejavu. It was a day later that I remembered we’d made similar commitments in 2009, and had implemented almost none of them.
Still we thought, there must be ways to make unschooling work better for us… One of the options that grabbed Anne’s imagination was unschooling on the road, and embarking on some big travels. This would have been wonderful for M in many ways, but the reality is we have to engage in long negotiations to get Z going for a walk, let alone setting off on major trips. Still its something we explored for a long time, and well might try in the future…
Then we considered moving to a place with more homeschoolers so we could plug into things more (in our current location there are literally a handful of homeschoolers). This was appealing also, but it still felt that time in between such activities were long days, where even when M wanted to do something interesting or new we were having to put her off while we juggled the needs of her siblings, health issues, our home business and our own needs.
So after much consideration we have decided to move to Brisbane and try out school. We chose carefully, selecting Brisbane Independent School (BIS) (at the time of posting their website was down, but there’s a little about them on wikipedia) which is based on a democratic model, has a total of about 50 students and similar values to ours. But as interesting as BIS is, I still must admit to initially feeling like a failure after we made the decision.
I’ve read about single parents unschooling 4 plus kids; even others who work part time as well… so the question came crashing into our ego’s: ‘why couldn’t we make it work?’
After a little while i realised how useless that question was… the fact is, our homeschooling experience has not been living up to our expectations or desires since the birth of H, and when we looked at what M’s life experience was, the word that came to mind was ‘uninspiring’.
She’d raised the option of school a few times in the last couple of years, and each time we’ve shifted what we’re doing, trying out more dance classes, hiring some help to look after the boys so we can do some more one on one, but they were often short lived and still never managed to really meet her needs…
This time, for the first time, we raised the idea. M quickly expressed that she wanted to try school but had three main concerns:
1. she wanted a fair bit of choice, for example she didn’t want to have to sit in a classroom all day if it was a beautiful day outside.
2. she was concerned about bullying
3. she would miss us and wanted to see us during the day still
We were surprised that she’d thought this through enough to have a list ready but explained that the BIS option best addresses each of her concerns. So for example we intend to be active in the school community and help out at the school itself regularly (which is encouraged); the small group plus high ratio of conscious adults would make bullying unlikely and/ or able to be addressed; and she will have more autonomy and choice than in traditional schools.
Since then, she has been absolutely ecstatic about the decision. Nervous, but very excited.
That’s helped a lot. It’s really been how We’ve gone from focusing on those feelings of being a failure, to saying that this is our current reality and this decision is the best way forward for our family now.
When i think on those terms I must admit to feeling massive relief. It’s been a hard couple of years, and I know things will change, but in the meantime doing BIS feels like the best way of reaching our goals of creating an exciting, stimulating and connected environment for our family.
Do i regret unschooling to this point? Definitely not. We’ve had some wonderful times and I think it’s really been wonderful to provide M with the space to get to know herself without many external pressures. I feel now at the age of 9, she can approach school with more confidence and self awareness. It will no doubt present challenges, but frankly the way we were homeschooling had its own set of challenges too.
Can we still unschool while M goes to school? I know people talk about doing this, and of course at home we will provide the same freedom and support to her as always, but i do feel things change significantly with school… I’ll write about this more in the future.
Might we unschool in the future? Yes, we just want to do what’s the best for our family and find the ways to meet our respective needs and live the most connected & joyful life possible… the strategies to achieve that will change with our situation. Right now we’re not making long term plans, but we’re confident that BIS is the best next step forward.
What’s the capital of Estonia? I’d have to google that, but that question probably means that I’ve written enough for now…
Hi Arun and Anne
Thanks for letting us know your reasons and being so honest in your feelings of failure. I’m sure many parents who unschool feel a whole range of emotions regarding sending their children to school. I always try and remember that our life (our unschooling life) is a whole series of choices and options whereas those who are mainstream parents don’t necessarily believe they have options. Life is dynamic, not static and just because we make a decision one day, doesn’t mean it’s set in stone – the fun is in making new decisions and choices based on our current circumstances. As you said, it’s all about meeting everyone’s needs. Looking forward to hearing more about your new adventure
Cheers, Karen
wow! I’m looking forward to hearing about how this experience transpires. I”ve often wished that we had a democratic free school here in los angeles, I would seriously consider it for my boys. I would love for my kids to able to collaborate in a cool and creative atmosphere with engaged, caring adults. Is BIS public or private? We had a public independent humanistic charter here called Pacifica but it got closed down due to low test scores…anyway, looking forward and best of luck. thanks for sharing, amanda
Kudos to you and your whole family!
It takes a lot of courage to reflect and make a change in direction. I think it is particularly courageous to free yourself from the emotional ties of a one dream to pursue a different version of it!!
I have often felt the disconnect between my vision and reality so I understand your dilemma.
It sounds like you have found a wonderful option that many of us would also be thrilled to have available.
I hope it exceeds your expectations and gives you all a spark of energy as your recharge your batteries and connect with others.
Clearly you are continuing to make choices and decisions as a family which is commendable.
All these are such wonderful life lessons to share with your kids and your readers.
Thanks for your honesty and your many nuggets of wisdom you have shared.
Looking forward to hearing more about the next phase of the journey!!!!
Hi Arun
Good luck on your new journey with school, we have come to the same conclusion for us for now. I imagine our organic lives will keep changing and flowing in interesting directions and this year we are trying school, similarly to you it is a small community school, with alot of parental inclusion and about 35 students, hoping to do it 3 or 4 days a week to start and see how we go. My daughter who is very social and bright was just needing more than I could provide at the time with health and support issues. I am very grateful to you for sharing your feeling of failure around the issue, I completely understand but once I got past that I realised our lives can become even richer than before and nothing is set in stone. Love the fact that we can be flexible and do what our families need when we need it.
Hi Arun,
While I do think it is good to go with the flow in life and have flexibility, I do think if the decision to school doesn’t feel good or right, there probably still is a way to keep unschooling.
I think we all envision the perfect life for our children, but the fact of the matter is, life is not perfect and it is good for our children to experience both the ups and downs.
And you may not be able to go on as many field trips and the like but you are also teaching your kids invaluable lessons, including entrapreneurship and how to run a business.
A schooled experience is not perfect either. The most important thing is what works for your family as a whole, whether that is unschooling or school.
And keep in mind that boredom isn’t the end of the world, it can teach us a lot. Not to mention the fact that it is VERY common to be incredibly bored in school.
And would going to school really give your daughter more than she has now? Would it increase her field trips and activities she wants to do?
It might do just the opposite. She might have even less time to pursue her interests, and visit places she wants to go, etc.
Now you will have to ask permission from the school whenever you want a field trip somewhere, etc.
Yes it might look like a less than ideal life, having your stand by while you have to run your life, business – but she is learning very valuable life lessons from it all.
I wonder if there is a way to involve her in the home business?
Humanity evolved with togetherness rather than separateness.
Only recently did we start to isolate children from the adult world and is this really for the better? Are our children better prepared for the world as a result?
It could be that you simply NEED a break from your kids, and that is totally fine and understandable, but it is better to be honest to yourself about that and to your family/kids as well.
To summarize, my point was mainly that it might be that instead of changing the situation (from unschooling to schooling), all you really need to do is change your perception of things and your expectations.
Because your problems/worries about your current situation of unschooling and your worry that the environment is not stimulating enough for your daughter might not really be solved with schooling.
Some things might be solved, but a whole new pandora’s box of problems might arise.
Something to think about, anyhow.
Unschooling is an attitude arun. It\’s not something we do with or to our children. That\’s why I like the term natural learning more than unschooling and believe that at its heart, it is different from unschooling. You can learn naturally at school, but you can\’t unschool at school. So there is hope, if you see yourselves as natural learners, that is! :-p
We did the whole move to a democratic small community based school thing in 1988. Lots of positives, lots of not-so-positives, lots of LEARNING.
Are you still going to the Unschoolers Retreat in October? Please, please still go to the retreat!!!
right on. our egos constantly need to be kept in check and letting go of a set of ideals /labels/ plans and instead looking truthfully at what you see right in front of you. adapting, changing, allowing. your decision is courageous and honest and real. thank you for sharing. i so appreciate it. with much love,
kris
I wish you peace.
Hi Arun!
Don’t feel like a failure!! I think you guys are doing just the right thing for your family. Times change, situations change, and the important thing is that you’re respecting M’s wishes while taking into consideration what will work for everyone involved. It’s a careful balancing act, but you and Anne have obviously put a lot of thought into your decision and you just never know what will happen unless you try it out. You guys are kind, thoughtful respectful parents and that will be the same whether one, all, or none of your kids are in school! You have an exciting adventure ahead of you and I hope you’ll continue to blog about it because I always love to hear what you have to say.
The school you’ve chosen sounds so cool!
My now-16yo has gone back to school twice over the course of our unschooling — the second time to the local public high school! Both times were excellent experiences for her: tons of learning (unschooling-style *and* school-style) and nice little bits of perspective.
Best of luck with the move and the new adventure!
Good for you for being open to such big options and dramatic change in you life. We have been on a similar path: small school, road-school (3yrs RVing), unschool, and community school for the last 3 years. Each has had it challenges and benefits – none pure bliss. But we have wonderful boys (9 and 14) who have a very close relationship with each other and love going to the same school. Evergreen Independent School, Cobble Hill, BC has a lot of parent involvement and the friendships between families is one of the benefits many people don’t realize is there until they are a part of it. The atmosphere of the school is amazing and I’m glad my kids are experiencing a true sense of community. I hope they can find it in other stages of their lives (it took us a long time.) The kids go on as many or more field trips as we did when we were homelearning, they play outside a lot, they have a lot of choice about the school work they do, very little homework, etc. and still time for other interested like music, dance, sports. It is definitely the right fit for us. We do not rule out the possibility of homelearning again, if necessary. . . but this school definitely helps fill my kids’ needs, needs I could not fulfill.
Keep writing when you can. As my note from the Universe reminded me today: “Insist on the destination, not on how you’ll get there.”
Hi Arun,
My eldest is 4 (I also have a 2 year old and a 13mth old), so I’m pretty new to unschooling, but very excited about the prospects! I totally get that overwhelm feeling post third child.
I went to a homebirth festival at the BIS last year and it was a beautiful school! I was doing henna designs and many of the children who I worked on went to the BIS and they seemed to me to be very happy, gorgeous and confident kids.
Everyone was breastfeeding, babywearing and gentle and respectful parenting was happening wherever I looked.
I thought it looked like a beautiful spot and if my child ever decided they wanted to go to school I think it would be a great place to start.
Good luck with your new adventure! xox
Tallin
It sits between my both home countries, Finland (with Helsinki as a capital) and Latvia (Riga, respectively). could not resist this one!
Cool to hear that you’ve found a good decision to suit your needs in this moment! I do hope you’ll continue to share your insights and experiences. Be well, all of you!
There’s nothing to fail at here. From the sounds of it, M is going to love getting out there and mixing it up. You provide her with a safe and loving environment to come home to at the end of the day. You won’t have as much control over her influences, and that is scary, but you have tried to ensure those influences will be as positive as possible. And I think you can trust her out there.
My kids would not get on being homeschooled…and neither would I get on with homeschooling them! It just isn’t the right decision for our family and I have made my peace with that. I can’t be everything for them. Plus, I think it is really good for all of us to muddle along in society, thinking about all the challenges that it throws up, rather than trying to avoid it. It isn’t so bad out there. Good luck with the transition.
I am so glad to hear your thoughts on this Arun.
My son is 4 and dead set ón going to school. Fortunately school does not start till 6 in Denmark, so hé has time to change his mind. My dream is to unschool, but if I listen to my child i All other aspects of life, why not in this? My job now is to choose a school which shares my values, and if hé does not liike it we can always stop.
Kate
Hello Anun
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I have found all of your writings inspirational. I have two boys 9 and 6 who are naturally learning and not attending school. We are very fortunate to belong to a network of home-educators who mostly take a natural learning approach so we are well supported and our children have a wide social circle. We have had our challenges with health issues with our eldest and a very high energy 6 year old who sounds very similar to your second child. What attracts me to unschooling/natural learning is that it is about respecting the needs and desires of the individual learner and the family as a whole. You have made your decision in this spirit and I admire it greatly. All the very best to you and your family with the move and the new school.
hi Arun,
thanks for the update.
And thanks for sharing your true feelings about trying a school now.
I totally agree with all your points and i too face the same – ‘big gaps between the activities’ and the energy to initiate and plan activiities.
So am also thinking of trying a ‘school’ where children will have enough space to explore…and learning happens as a by product.
Cheers and good wishes to you and family.
The sensitivity to keep changing as per the needs of the day/life is what learning is all about. There has been a time when learning from home works and the intelligence to see and accept that there are also times when learning from a school also works.
Am sure you are all going to be happy about attending to the needs of your elder one…in choosing a school…etc
Warm regards
We send our girls (aged 4.5 and 8.5) to a school advertised as “an alternative to home schooling”. We didn’t even try to home school, as I just KNEW it wouldn’t work (no need for details, just trust me).
It has been fantastic, but there WILL be some issues. Last year a close friend who home-schools, sent her 3 kids there and it didn’t work for her. Remember, you will have to deal with other parents and the teacher who won’t always agree with you. If you have chosen the school wisely, as long as you have open communication about your feelings and desires with other parents and the teacher/s it CAN work. It’s doesn’t work perfectly at our school but it’s pretty damn good!
The small numbers mean kids still get a lot of one-on-one attention, there is flexibility in learning/lessons/excursions – all kinds of things. As it’s small there will be less time spent on boring things like roll call, assemblies, waiting for other kids to get settled in the classroom before you can start your work, waiting for an “appropriate” time to raise a question, make a suggestion or other.
It won’t be easy for you, but do be guided by your daughter’s happiness. GOOD LUCK and please keep posting, you and your family are a comfort and inspiration on my own journey of “sometimes very crappy” parenting!!
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Hi Arun,
There’s not enough out there that shares the difficulties we all face with providing an inspiring and interesting environment for our kids to thrive in. It’s hard because we’re all out there trying to promote unschooling/homeschooling and we want it to be positive in the eyes of the schooled (lol) but I think it’s time we all got a little more honest and open and started sharing some of these issues we face in a more open forum so that we can have the support and be the support to others for how to work through these hurdles.
It sounds like you’ve tried everythnig possible and that school is what’s best for M at this point. I hope it all goes well…is going well. And I also secretly hope that you come back to the unschooling life one day soon. Sorry to be so selfish but it’s my lack of love for change;)
All the very, very best
Kim
We’ve been homeschooling/unschooling/deschooling for over a year now. We also have a free democratic school in our neighborhood that we have been checking out. Our oldest (12) says it’s like homeschooling, but with more people! He loves it, and wants to go there now. My husband is not too happy though, he feels it’s too free and that the price is too high for a place where the kids just play games and watch tv… I like it, it has a good atmosphere and kids in all ages are friendly and engaged. And I’m sure once the kids settle and get used to the system there are other activities they’ll join too.
Our younger kids don’t like this school, they just want to be home with me. So it seems like we’ll homeschool and school at the same time!
Please tell how things are going for your family now.
Hi Arun, I’ve been through this exact thing at the beginning of this year, two of my boys are now at school, the positives have definitely outweighed the negatives so far… Go well
I recently ended a blog post…
“…failure is not possible. Perhaps you won’t always gain the results you want, but you will absolutely gain something, and I can almost guarantee it will be far more beautiful.”
Just wanted to share that with you.
We don’t always make the choices we *think* we should make or want to make, but sometimes, those are the best choices for our kids. We make informed choices about the environment we want for our children (even in unschooling, you think you are giving them absolute freedom to pursue their interests, but choosing that freedom is still a choice *we* are making *for them.*) Sometimes, those unexpected choices that we hadn’t ever intended, those decisions that seem to turn our life inside-out from what we wanted, turn out to actually be the ones that bring the most peace and create the most fulfilling environment for our kids to thrive.