Back to the Books
arun on Aug 30 2010 at 6:23 am | Filed under: conflict & communication, looking out, nvc & pet, others wisdom, parenting | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
Anne is leading the way out of our funk by hitting the parenting books once more. After our recent lows it feels like we are re-learning so much. Anne is also being greatly assisted by the work of Elaine Aron on The Highly Senitive series of books — Anne, M and Z all share many qualities from those books… so it seems that im surrounded!
Meanwhile we are moving back into using Non Violent Communication. The last time I used it, a few years ago, I ended up stopping becasue i felt that the speech grated and ended up serving as a block in my attempts to connect with our kids and Anne. I tried to internalise the process and speak in plain english. This is still my ideal… but right now my ideal is lightyears away, so im using more formal nvc to move forward and not worrying about how it sounds so much until i get some basics covered…
I really am appreciating the strengths of the nvc process much more this time round. Im finding it really powerful to observe, look at feelings, go to the needs and then finally explore strategies (which is happening more each day). The language still irks me at times (ie. “does not meet my need for authenticity”)… but the process really is powerful for breaking us out of the lows I previously posted about.
It’s an effort: Anne and I find ourselves constantly going to the kitchen cupboard where we’ve pinned up the list of nvc feelings and needs to help identify what is happening for us or others. It’s also a sense of dejavu as i described similar feelings a few years ago in the article “Parenting is Making My Brain Hurt”… Anne and i can often be found standing in the midst of a conflict or intense situation with the kids, with our mouths open looking like our brain has exploded… so a way to go, but its a huge step up from shouting!
So we are starting again in many ways… but at least things are on the way up 
Welcome back
. I’ve missed your blog posts! I’ve fallen off the NVC wagon, but also trying to climb back on the effective parenting one.
Sooo glad Anne found the Elaine Aaron books Arum..
i discovered those back when my eldest 2 were just tots…
thanK goodness.. they were so helpful to me [& my marriage!!!!!] for myself & then about my children.. [it certainly doesnt take away the pains, but it
reminds you that you are not alone with them, and can give you some tools for thought].
oh though i empathise with your struggles, i do giggle a little with
the thought of not being alone on the challenges of intensities & sensitivities in families..
do you know of Dabrowski’s Overexcitabilities?? :>)) another can of worms, that does explain alot!!
i have a simple diagram printout somewhere, but here are some links of info.. i know you guys are capable of finding what you want if it peaks your curiosity.. i think you may find very helpful..
http://www.giftedservices.com.au/children.html#Dabrowski
http://www.sengifted.org/articles_social/Lind_OverexcitabilityAndTheGifted.shtml
thanks – yes my brain hurts most days.
something in this post reminded me of a situation i got caught up in a few years ago. i was at a steiner school market when three boys shot past me heading for a large dam, the first two stopped dead by the edge while the younger boy in the rear sailed straight into the water.
after the kerfuffle died down mum yelled at dad “what were you doing?”. dad said, in a way too self-righteous manner “i was negotiating with [a sibling of the boys]“. i guess they talked more about that later.
meanwhile while i was dripping with mud and sludge i found myself looking admiringly at dad thinking how sweet it was that he was negotiating with his daughter so intensely and attentively.
its just shows that, even with the best intentions as a parent, you can still be left looking like a plonker on occasions.