10 Tips for Reforming Parenting Control Freaks
arun on Aug 12 2008 at 12:15 am | Filed under: control & connection, death & life, empowerment & trust, mindfulness, parenting, unschooling | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
I admit it. I am still a reforming parenting control freak.
You wouldn’t know it to chat to me. Or by the fact I am into unschooling and trusting my children. But in all honesty it is a constant effort not to “do things for them”, or more often “to tell them or make them do it the ‘right’ way.”
Embracing trust and letting go of control is a conscious decision I make several times a day… at dinner its more like several times a second!
To follow are some of the tips and techniques I’ve found useful in my own journey, I hope that it might assist all you other reforming parenting control freaks out there!
1. DON’T WATCH
This method is great for wild play or climbing. Rather than shouting “be careful or you’ll fall and break your neck” and probably make them fall and break their neck in the process, I have found it sometimes better just not to watch. If I find myself bursting to say something I try to limit it to “do you feel safe doing that?”.
2. BUILD YOUR OWN SANDCASTLE
Whether watching your child build a sandcastle or make a birthday card for your partner, sometimes the best advice is to do your own as well. Creating one yourself allows you to let go of your child’s creation. You can still help but come in on a very defined task of your child’s choosing, think of yourself as an “outside (and subordinate) contractor” rather than an equal partner in their project… after all you’ve got your own!
3. ASK QUESTIONS
Its a powerful exercise to spend a day trying to ask questions and not telling at all. Questions can be used for evil as well as goodness since they can have big agendas behind them (”are you going to wear that?” or “do you think that’s appropriate?”). So even better is to try to ask questions that you do not know the answer too. If done with an openess it can shift you into a spirit of being playful and curious which is much more fun than being anal and controlling.
4. IT’S ABOUT YOU
Every time something is pushing your parenting buttons and you want to try to control something/ change someone/ make something right etc etc.. A useful shift is to focus on yourself. To ask “how can I make an internal shift to better deal with this situation?” Basically its trying to accept the behavior of your child and focusing on your own behaviour/ modelling (something you do have some control over).
Another aspect to this is if you really, really need to comment, doing it from your perspective, eg. “I find that…” rather than “you should…”. Commenting and then being open to what happens (or does not happen) next is quite an art.
5. GET PERSPECTIVE TO EMBRACE CHANGE
In the midst of a “situation” it can be useful to get perspective by remembering what your child was like one year ago. Even two years ago. You might even carry some pictures to make the point to yourself. Impermanence and change are universal characteristics but can be most obvious in children. Seeing how they are changing and growing might remind you that this moment will never, ever come again. That in turn might assist you accepting it joyfully for what it is right now.
6. TAKE THE UNDIES AND CAPE OFF
Know your imperfections and embrace them. Get rid of the undies and cape (ie any attempt to be a super hero) instead just be you. Self acceptance of yourself including your faults will generally help to accept others as they are.
7. EMBRACE LEARNING AS EXPERIENCING
Telling someone the answer is not nearly as effective as them experiencing it. So have confidence to give your children the space to fall, fail and whatever as they experience and engage with life.
8. ENJOY THE RIDE, FORGET THE DESTINATION
Try to let go of the perfect picture or end result by really focusing all your attention into what is happening right in front of you. If your child has just smothered cream over your kitchen table try to let go of the image of a “pristine table” in your head and ask “what can we do with this creamy table?”. Perhaps you might end up drawing in it before cleaning together? Perhaps drive toys cars over it? The possibilities are endless and a better way to occupy your mind than worrying about what “should” be happening.
9. DISPLACEMENT
If you still feel that “controlling beast” in you just waiting to rear its ugly head, then perhaps one strategy might be directing it more effectively. Take the pressure away from your kids and choose something definable to assert your control over. It might be your desk, your sock draw, for me it was the (unfortunate) dog we got. Something to let your controlling nature out where it wont do damage to your children or partner while you continue to work on getting rid of it altogether.
10. PARENT LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW
At those really trying times, imagine what would be your response if this was the last day you spent with your child. How would that affect your level of compassion, understanding and acceptance. Would it really be so important that they behaved in the way you want? Parenting like there is no tomorrow is a great final line when all else fails.
I’ll let you into a well kept secret on this one – if you do parent like there is no tomorrow, one day you will be right! So enjoy the day while its yours and your child to share. Let go and trust!
—–
That’s some of the approaches Ive used… please feel free to comment and add your own below.
thankyou thankyou thankyou
very timely post. Do you mind if I put it on my blog, linking back to here ofcourse!
cheers
Kelli
dear arun,
thanks! i have been using some of these techniques most(?) of the time… and i have noticed that i do not even get angry sometimes(!). when one has a proactive list like this one to remember(1, 2, 3…. deep breath), there is no place left for anger as a reaction! thank you!
Arun, I just love the way you put things. I’m having the problem where I’m really trying not to be controlling but I have friends who are and are trying to “correct” my daughter’s behavior. Like judging their behavior instead of observing and … something else. Have you written anything on that sort of thing? I’d love to read it! TIA. Leila
[…] arena, I’ll leave you with another awesome post by Arun at the parenting pit called 10 Tips for Reforming Parenting Control Freaks. I really appreciate the first point he makes: Don’t watch. Arun suggests that instead of […]
i just lost a close friend who left behind a 6 yo DS, so your “parent like there is no tomorrow” hit home very hard.
being anal and controlling, huh? made me ROTFLOL! this is how i come across at times, and it is so good to see and not feel offended.
Love this Arun. I need to print and post on my refrigerator.
As a fellow “ex-controlling other people” addict I slip and slide a lot.
I am goint to link that in my blog in the near future!
I love the “ask questions you don’t know the answer to.” My son is 17 months and its so easy to fall into the “where’s the kitty-cat?” routine when flipping through books. I love it when I ask him a question I don’t know the answer to (like where are mama’s shoes?) and he can answer me (err point in the right direction)!
I hope you’re writing a book Arun. You give such good advice it would be a shame to limit it to those of us who read your blog. The whole world needs to be reading you!!
love your blog. nominated you for Brilliante Weblog Premio 2008 Award
This is a very helpful post!
thank you for this! i struggle with this daily and these will be very helpful:-)
I am usually really good at #1, to most peoples chagrin. But at the beach yesterday I found myself constantly questioning the appropriateness of the idea–the tide was up and strong, but my boy was loving the waves it was creating. I tried not too watch too much, but I reasoned that water and nature combined might carry an exception
And #3 is great… I am trying it… and boy, oh boy is it hard!
#4 is good too… it is giving me a moment to pause and not just react.
Great points Arun! I am truly enjoying them.
Thank you, thank you. I love this list and really needed to hear it today.
I love #10. What helps me is to think “If I travelled back in time, after they are grown up, to this one day, would I be proud of the way I treated my kids?”
[…] Arun over at the parenting pit gives good, concrete advice on how to curb our inner control freak, and become even better parents. […]
[…] If you are, please read this awesome post from the parenting pit on 10 Tips for Reforming Parenting Control Freaks. […]
Hi…. I used to unschool our two kids but as they grew up, particularly at age 7ish, I felt this need to provide an official education for them - you know, reading, writing, arithmetic - and so we homeschool now. I know a bunch of unschoolers and I’ve read a bunch of blogs about it, and it seems like most unschooling parents have kids that are 8 and under. I’ll be pretty curious about your educational choices when your girls are older…. truthfully I doubt they’ll be the same. It seems like a lot of people drop out of the unschooling ways as their kids grow. I mean there comes a point…. are you hear to guide your kids, or are you just going to let them figure it all out themselves? Do you make your kids brush their teeth, or is that a choice they get to make too? Do you let them watch hours and hours of TV full of ads they think are truth (because they are innocent)? When do you say no, that is not safe! ? Instread of asking them if it feels safe. I strongly believe that kids need boundaries, they need guidance, etc.
That said, I did agree with a lot of your post, especially about parenting like there is no tomorrow. And I actually do think unschooling is a great way to learn, it’s how I learn, and when my kids are in their teens and they have a foundation of a great education and skills, then we will make this transition. It’s actually a family goal, to give our kids the foundation they need to be autodidacts.
Hi there, I’m dipping into your blog after a while away, looking to “reaffirm” unschooling ideals. It’s funny, but I have been thinking recently, in my own mind as I go about my day, the same sort of thoughts that Anonymous made in their recent comment above. A lot of the unschooling families I know have younger kids and, at least for me, it becomes harder as they get older - my oldest is now 9 and I have to say for my own “peace of mind” I have introduced some structure into our lives. Perhaps this is really just a lack of faith on my part, but at the moment I’m walking the line between ignoring rising panic and making sure they can read so that they can actually get info for themselves from our world.
I particularly loved this post. Hmm. Maybe I needed to hear it at this particular time.
Thank you for posting it.
I really loved this. They are all things I am constantly trying to remember to do but I’ve never gone to the trouble of making a list. Can I print out yours? I’d probably add another rule for myself; When in doubt say nothing.
To the anonymous commenter- I unschool two children who are nine and fourteen and they both have basics such as reading and writing. But more importantlt they have the ability to learn by themselves things that interest them. Oh and they clean their teeth because they understand that not doing so might make their teeth rot, not because I mske them.
I found this a really interesting read. I work with children in a teaching capacity and enjoy reading things of this nature.
Hey,
We’re new to parenting, our little chicklet is almost two years old and the ‘horrible two’ is at its peak (we hope it wont get ‘better’ than this)..
Your tips are great! Can’t wait to show my wife. We might want to translate it, with your permission and reference of course, and publish it on our site… Let me know if it’s ok.
Cheers,
Alex
Perfect post to read this afternoon.
I’m so glad I’m not alone. Thank you!