The most Hands On way of being Hands Off
arun on Aug 11 2008 at 9:40 pm | Filed under: empowerment & trust, parenting, unregulating food, tv, unschooling | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
I really enjoyed writing a post a little while ago about “Finding the Yes”.
However i feel motivated to write a little more clearly about this topic given the steady stream of mainstream (and often alternative) parenting commentators talking about how essential boundaries and “just saying ‘no’” are. From Dr Phil right through to personal development writer Stephanie Dowrick, it seems extremely unpopular to “just say ‘yes’”.
The “anti- ‘yes’” movement makes a number of assumptions. In particular they assume that ‘yes’ generally comes from one of two perspectives in parenting:
1. the first is the ‘yes’ that comes from submitting a parent’s own needs. Its a yes that is actually insincere and generally followed by a great deal of resentment. It is often called “permissive parenting”, though given that permissive refers simply to “giving permission” i think a more accurate term would be “submissive parenting”. This can be a real problem but it does not lie in the “yes”, rather that the yes comes at someones expense… the classic win/ lose scenario.
2. the second sort of ‘yes’ that such commentators refer to is one that comes from a place of not caring or participating in the child’s life. It is sometimes called “unparenting” or in many cases simply being negligent.
But there is a third perspective that is generally ignored… and its not “just saying ‘no’”.
The “yes” that i was talking about in this post is one that has a context. It is one that is supported with positive modeling, connection and communication. It is a “yes” that finds solutions that works for all parties involved and might therefore involve looking at underlying needs behind a request and perhaps involve negotiation or evolution.
It is miles away from what such commentators generally talk about.
Its not one i always manage to find but its definitely one i’m committed to seek out more and more.
It can be found in a parenting style which is extremely proactive which is why i like using the description of it being “the most hands on way of being hands off.”
Arun, have you read “Getting to Yes” by Roger Fisher? It’s a business book, but it generally says what you’re describing here. “Win-win” they call it in business. I be curious what you think of this book in regards to what you wrote today.
As you know, I am big fan of “YES”!
Thank you for this post.
Just wanted to say thanks for this. I am in discussions with a friend new to her homeschooling journey who has many questions about RU. She recently asked me how our life is different from “permissive” and and”un” parenting as she has witnessed those models and been horrified with the “results”. We live an ocean apart so she cannot see our family in action. I will send her here to read your post as you have found the words that I could not summon.
A different spin not exactly from La Leche League’s “Don’t Offer, Don’t Refuse” yet similar in that both seek to satisfy underlying needs. Thanks. I got the idea that not only does it avoid direct refusals most of the time, it also may avoid verbalizing “yes” or “no.”
Karl actually does this. I used to get irritated because the child never said either word. Then I finally got it when he pointed out that he had already said one or the other nonverbally. OH. :/ Dense mommie leapt before she looked …. again.
I know this is supposed to be UNschooling but I have a great teacher and that’s why I can do it at all.