Finding the Yes
arun on May 12 2008 at 2:55 pm | Filed under: control & connection, empowerment & trust, parenting | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
I know it can be hard sometimes.
In fact over the years I’ve been through periods when I thought that “the Yes” have become extinct. They can be slippery buggers – sometimes so small and great at hiding. Its as though you’ve got to feel them first… believe in them… then maybe, just maybe you might start to see them.
Not like finding “the No”. They are so easy to see and so numerous that I used to think that I would drown in them. I’m sure my daughter felt the same way a few years back and even today I find my self swatting unwanted ones away.
Things are improving though – these days when one of my children asks for something I try to pause, to think and even enroll their help in searching for “the Yes”.
You have to be careful because there are other beasts that seem similar at first glance but they are not to be trusted. A couple of the common ones are:
- “the well OK then”, which looks like “the Yes” but can be begrudging, annoyed creatures pent up with resentment, they will eventually turn on you and on occasion have been known to explode without warning
- “the Whatever”, are uncaring, detached animals and will often hurt feelings of those around them
If these or other similar creatures turn up first, I’ve found it best to acknowledge them then keep searching. Ignoring them can just make them grow and fester so be sure to acknowledge with compassion and honesty.
One creature that might help buy time is the “Whynot?” They are not as good as “the Yes” but they can help hold back “the No” which bang at the door by the thousands.
Of course each “the Yes” is different. Like many kids my children love “the Yes” which are lightening fast, straightforward and can go ahead immediately. These ones appear on occasion, especially now that I am looking for them more. But other times the process of searching for “the Yes” involves negotiating, communicating and brainstorming. It makes us dig deeper into what is really behind my children’s request; or alternatively what is behind my own or other blocks that are keeping “the Yes” at bay.
Be sure to wait for the right one: You will know when you find it as they have an uncanny way of making everyone feel powerful and joyful. In fact the very best ones come from an amazing, inspiring place called “Winwin”. Some people think that this place is pure fiction but I have definitely caught glimpses of it during my searches.
It gets easier and when the word gets out more “the Yes” seem to gather around you, even in other aspects of your life. I guess they can smell someone who values and wants them.
I wonder how many I will find today. Good luck on your own search 
okay…
This post of yours comes at a time when I’m decidedly in the mood for saying NO - not to my kids, who are all grown up and can decide for themselves, but to me.
I do too much and desperately need to downshift - for real. I’ve been saying this in earnest for two years so you can see I’m hopeless at keeping my resolve. Very confused about YES and NO in my life…
I see your point though. I need to find that one YES that will encourage and allow me to keep moving toward my downshifting goals. It’s hidden in there, behind all the other YESs that I need to ignore.
So, while I’m grabbing hold of all those NOs - gleefully - I know I’m catching pieces of that essential and elusive YES in the process.
Arun, I’ve found another guru - you! Thanks mate, for being there, doing this thinking stuff for me.
cheers
Beverley
http://homeschoolaustralia.com
I too reflected on “the yes” and found that it is very rare…! what a fabulous article!! Using “why not” has challenged my own thoughtless nos and makes me accountable to what I respond with…
I say lets all try to find a yes somewhere and maybe the world will get just a little more positive!!
I really love what you are saying here Arun.
I have been saying a bit lately… “my answer is not no but I just need some time to ponder the question some more” (all the while hoping that the request will go away) and “I will but I need to do this first” eeeeeek! What has happened to my yes??
I notice that the ‘yes’ comes easily to most areas but the whole ‘get down and play trains with me here for 2 hours mum with the door closed and no sisters allowed’ a little bit of a struggle at times.
I really want to say the heartfelt and joyful ‘yes’ everytime but there is this selfish woman who shares my body screaming “no! I don’t want to! I want to want to, but in all honesty I just really don’t feel like it!”
I love it! Inspiring… and we attract what we focus on, so more Yes and less No.
thanks, this helps
I’ve been a big fan of the “whynots” for a long time but I can see now that a “yes” is much more empowering to everyone concerned. I’d never thought of that before. Thanks.
I’m doing an NVC course atm and it’s really opening my eyes up to the Yeses and the Nos… I’m still a baby in the NVC world but I can see things much clearer now!
I hate to admit it, but I have been a bit tired and have been doing a bit of the “whatever”. Such a well explained post - I know I shouldn’t say it. I really just needed to read this to remind me!
Thanks for the post.
Smiles all around.
“You will know when you find it as they have an uncanny way of making everyone feel powerful and joyful.”
I love this whole post but I especially love this line. This is the method by which I make judgements about my own life, and it is lovely to hear it being applied to parenting… it makes so much sense!
Thank you so much for helping me and so many others to do the best by our kids, this is truly a form of activism, and a way of changing the world, one family at a time.
I have a six month old so am *just* starting with the no’s and yes’s… so this is perfect timing!
Be well,
Nalin.