After the Fall
arun on Mar 06 2008 at 12:24 pm | Filed under: 0 to 2 year old, aware, parenting, stages & ages | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
SPLAT!
It was the sound of our 21 month old son Z falling from the second step of a step ladder onto the kitchen floor.
A few years ago, if that was M, I probably would have jumped in and scooped her up like I was some pseudo action hero… checking for blood, tears or anything.
That was several years ago and I’ve been working on things a lot since then.
So with this particular SPLAT I did not jump to the rescue. I kept an eye on Z but did not say anything or move towards him at all. In this instance Z simply jumped up, rubbed his knee, made brief eye contact with me (I still tried to remain attentive without presuming anything), then he happily ran off towards some other adventure.
Of course sometimes he will cry out and in such cases I will be there to hold, cuddle and attend to him. But giving him a moment to process without having to react to “my stuff”, expectations or assumptions, has meant that Z can decide what is really happening for himself.
This approach has another side to it. I almost instinctively want to say, “it’s OK”, or “you are alright” if I am holding my crying kids after they have been hurt. But just as I am trying to let go of my assumptions about when my kids should cry, I also want to let go of my issues around when they should stop crying.
I am learning to trust their judgement and self awareness about when they need to express pain or simply just release pent up emotions. I am learning (ever so slowly and painfully it seems) to sit with their feelings without wanting to fix or control the situation.
It is definitely not easy and something I have to do extremely consciously. With M who is 6 years old it involves breaking long standing habits for both of us. But its worth it… as its another step in my ongoing attempts to trust, accept and really support my children.
I feel so lucky that I started practicing how to do this (not respond immediately, but stay attentive) when my son was still a pre-crawler! Now, it is second-nature to me (and to my husband). In fact, I find that because it is second nature, we both *know* when the hurt is overwhelming for our son (i.e., when he’s tired he feels the pain more).
I think this has helped my son be more conscious-in-his-body, too! He doesn’t fall a lot (or, seems to get less injuries than some of his peers) even though he is very active and curious!
I am still working on not saying “It’s OK” or “It’s alright” though. That is a much harder habit/ desire for me to break!
ive not been doing this at all… not sure if i will but this post has given me much to think about. Thank you.
Hi Arun,
I have never commented but have followed your blog for ages and you have given me so much over the last year since we started to home ed our daughter.I have been given a blog award to share and would like you to have one.So if you pop over to mine you can pick it up.XX
When you’re doing this in a public area, do you get dirty looks for being neglectful or comments on how resilient your kids are?
I have gotten both and been amused each and every time 
i’ve just been reading ‘Raising out children, raising ourselves’ by Naomi Aldort which I’m finding very useful - it’s all about validation (of emotion). I do tend to offer assistance rather than rush into crisis mode, but I have realised that I say ‘aw, don’t cry’ rather a lot. Working on that!
It was very nice to read this article… I remember reading about it before I had my 3rd child and it’s a wonderful technique…. your children will have responses to incidents based on parent response…. there are times I still jump (like when izeah was ran over by a speed biker) but most of the time i let them decide for themselves if they are hurt or not…. they all know I’m there if they are hurt (with a band aid waiting of course) but if they aren’t, then that’s ok too!! Loved reading it in another’s blog!!
We’ve luckily never reacted first to any fall Alder has taken, generally we wait and watch his reaction first. I’ve noticed when other people are around and they gasp or say something he stops and is more likely to start crying. Of course he usually has a bruise or two.
While we are there to validate his feelings, the ones he decides, we want him to learn that we will give him love just because he asks for it not because he pretends to be hurt. Of course we have learned to also see the difference between cries of pain and cries of tiredness, both deserve attention, just different sorts.