The Con in Consistency
arun on Feb 21 2008 at 8:03 am | Filed under: conflict & communication, control & connection, parenting | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
Let me unequivocally state here and now that consistency is essential, non negotiable and crucial in parenting… if you are going down the behavioural modification road.
The bastion of mainstream parenting, this approach generally has shaping and moulding children’s behaviour into acceptable forms as its primary goal.
Studies show that consistency is crucial to this end. OK, I admit that Im one of those people who normally start sentences with the words “studies show…” when I have absolutely no evidence or facts to back up my claim… but this time I mean it!
It was in Thomas Gordon’s PET book i read about the the classic experiment with rats being trained to jump through a trap door (yes that’s why the big smiley picture of the rat… see, its all coming together hey?). The scientists got the rats to do what they wanted using a series of rewards & punishments… and it got the desired results.
When they “shifted the goal posts” and began to get inconsistent with the rewards & punishments, not only did the behavior of the rats start to go off track (they did not jump through the trap door properly when they were ‘meant’ to)… but they also got skin disorders, some went catatonic and others would not eat!!!
The obvious conclusion therefore seems to be that inconsistency is a health hazard. The argument goes further: that consistent boundaries, rules and implications will empower children because they know what to expect and when to expect it.
Now some of you who have been reading closely might have noted the one small flaw in the argument…
yes!
OUR CHILDREN ARE NOT RATS! You are perceptive, it took me four years to work that one out!
So if you do not get into the behavior modification thing as your primary goal… and instead are focused on connection, understanding and nurturing… then what?
Personally I still try to be consistent… but now I aspire to consistently understand & connect to the best of my ability. I aim to consistently be forgiving and compassionate (with myself, my children & others). I consciously and consistently aim to mindfully engage with each moment, again with my standard extremely handy disclaimer and escape clause… to the best of my ability.
Some of my actions might seem inconsistent – whether its negotiating with my children rather than setting and enforcing limits. Or trying to understand and address underlying needs rather than having a punitive response to some “undesirable action”.
So yes I probably would make a bad rat trainer… I can only hope that my kids think Im doing ok as a parent 
[...] for my blog to be. Anyway, here’s the latest post, rethinking the much-hyped concept of consistency in parenting. [...]
thank you for this latest post. My husband often argues that I am being inconsistent. I have not managed to put what I do into words or explain to him. Reading this it seems simple, next time I will just say “they are not rats!”
A great book I read was Becoming Attached by Robert Karan where he talks about Behaviorism X Attachment theories.
I highly recomend. Its a big book and quite scientifc but worth reading.
Thanks for pointing out the flaws in “consistent” parenting. I’ve heard the consistency argument hand-in-hand with the “united front” argument, and find neither to be useful.
In my pre-kids life I was known to say, “how about we consistently use common sense?” in response to a co-worker who screamed “inconsistent!” every time we attempted to fit our response to the client’s individual needs.
I really enjoy your blog- thanks for sharing your journey.
Amy
I was linked here from a friend’s blog, and whoa, thank you for this! I have often berated myself for not being consistent… But the goal is not to turn my kids into trained monkeys, the goal is to teach them morals and values and then let them live!
Of course, we SHOULD be consistent in some things, like in love (not withdrawing it when they disappoint us and so on). But yeah, I totally seeyour point. So good. Thanks!
I was consistently inconsistent and my younguns turned out okay. That is, they think they turned out okay. For those that don’t know, ours are 21, 25 and 27and I’ve learned to believe what they say about themselves!
cheers
Beverley
http://homeschoolaustralia.com
PS in our family it was the kids that worked hard to modify the behaviour of their parents – thankfully most of their patient efforts worked!
The only thing i’ve found to be consistent is how quicky I will find an exception to every rule! Life just doesn’t work that way.
I once visited a homeschooling neighbor who had a discpline chart on their refrigerator showing how many whacks with a wooden spoon a child would receive for particular infractions. It made my stomach turn and my heart hurt. They pride themselves on their consistency.
And yet, sassy thing that I am, I chuckle at the thought of how I would’ve handled such audacity from own parents.. “Hmm… let’s see, if I kick the dog I’ll get 5 whacks, but if I swear at it I’ll only get 3… but kicking it really *would* be more fun so the extra two whacks might be worth it…”
I mean, REALLY…..
thank you thank you thank you for this.
I’m lucky enough to have five wonderful children – 11yrs, 7yrs, 4yrs, 2yrs and 6mths – youngest is a girl, rest are boys. I’m ‘negotiate as much as possible but the buck stops with me’ baby wearing kinda gal.
Much to my joy I’m now the stayathome parent and we’ll be homeschooling as of this september.
it’s natural for me to talor my response to the child and circumstances in question, and I do worry sometimes about consistancy – when it comes to biggies like the 6mth going to bed – even while I know I’m going to (9 times out of 10!) do what my instinct tells me to.
Now you’ve given me a thoroughly logical and well researched argument explaining my approach and have zapped the last of the guilt away – many thanks!