How Many Kids… The Definitive Answer!
arun on Dec 19 2007 at 8:14 am | Filed under: laugh, parenting | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
Sick of the dillema? Not sure whether to pass on the baby clothes yet? Finally here at the Parenting Pit we have established a scientific, fool proof method of determining how many chlldren you should have. Simply fill in the following information:
STAGE ONE – ESTABLISHING VARIABLES
Assign values to the variables below by following the instructions:
- Baggage Variable (B) – the number of times per week that you tell yourself “that’s Mum’s/ Dad’s fault”, divided by the Personal Development Variant which is the number of therapy sessions, self help books or courses you have enrolled in over the last 6 months… and no, talk back radio does not count
- Emotional Capacity Variable (E) – track the average number of hours between when you do any of the following: shout in anger; kick furniture or other passive objects; or head butt someone
- Finances Variable (F) – your current monthly surplus.
- Gender Envy Variable (G) – if you currently have child/ children of one gender only, identify on a scale of 0 to 10 how much you would like a child of the other gender; where 0 is ‘could not care less’ and 10 is ‘you have considered kidnapping your neighbours child’ (if 10 please provide your full address and the phone number of your local police station)
- Ecological Foot Print Variable (P) – rank yourself from 0 to 10 where 0 is a gus guzzling, oil loving, hippie hating devotee and 10 is a tree hugging, crunchy greenie. Multiply this by your current electricity usage is Watts and your petrol consumption in litres per week.
- Partner Responsibility Variable (R) – (if single skip this variable) start with the number 10, then minus 1 for every one of the following things that would die if you left them with your current partner for an entire year: a cockroach; a cactus plant; a pot plant; a pet mouse; a pet dog; an 89 year old person. If your partner is male minus another 2.
- Support Variable (S) – the number of people, including partners, that you could successfully call on to cook a meal with 24 hours notice, divide this by the number of times someone checked your mail and put out your rubbish the last time you went on holiday for over a week.
- Time Variable (T) – the number of hours that you currently spend: watching TV programs of your choice; having baths alone; reading books alone; seeing movies of your choice plus the time you spend awake in silence per week.
STAGE TWO – THE CALCULATION
Then simply run the numbers through the following formula:
STAGE THREE – THE LAST BIT
Now that you have done that warm up exercise, throw away your answer… get a dice, and start rolling it. Keep rolling until you get a number that feels right… and that is the answer!
See its easy. Having applied this calculation to myself I know without question and with absolute certainty that two children are the optimum, balanced and ideal number for my situation and current circumstances… well that is except for the days that its three…
Wait, Arun… does this mean another baby might be on the way?
no, today its definitely two for me. Navigating a relationship with another adult is challenging enough at times for me… now navigating the needs and issues between four beings in our family is really pushing my comfort zone. I think for me personally… anymore and my head would explode
and besides… the elf dance from the last post only fits in four dancers. So thats weighing heavilly on my mind also
hillarious
it even worked for me… only it changes every ten minutes.
enjoying your blog by the way!
cheeky
You can take it any way you like. MY proven method is…. Do not give everything away. Always hang on to something big and you will ensure no more babies.
Every time I passed on all of my baby goods another wee darling came along. Last time I kept a portable cot, (stashed it in the roof) and lo and behold no babies for nearly 9 years now. Having said that, the cot is coming in really handy for my new nephew and niece.
That is hilarious and deserves wider publication!
I myself employ the ‘nose above the waterline’ method. Picture yourself treading water sans partner or children…add a partner, if still able to breathe and tread water, put a child on your back and keep paddling. Add children until it looks like you’re about to go under. For me, I’ve got the one partner and one child and occasionally swallow gulps of water so I”m stopping here…mind you, we’re adding a dog to the mix today….glub glub glub.
cheers
Wendy
or …. give away the baby stuff, after all … what does a baby really need in stuff terms? Also, the world has a way of providing.
I’ve worked out with daughter number 4 that all we really need is a few shirts and maybe a pair of trousers for polite places?
Receiving gifts was challenging as we didn’t need any of them and they just become clutter.
All I find we need is: space in our bed, a few slings made out of fabric I’ve got lying around, a comfy plastic pee pot for every room and some little shirts (in fact, she has been wearing my 3 year old’s loved cast offs because she cannot wait for her baby sister to grow into them!)
Here’s the method I’ve used in the past. It can be dangerous but so far it’s worked for me. First off, stop all birth control. When your period (or your wife’s, if you’re a male) is late assess how you feel. Are you panicked? Does the thought “What were we thinking!?” go through your mind over and over again as you contemplate whether or not you should spend money on a pregnancy test? If the answer is yes, you can stop where you are–you have the right number of children for you. In my case, this happens to be one. The reason I keep living this scenario over and over again is that my “right number” doesn’t seem to coincide with my husband’s.
Another, simpler, less dangerous method is flipping a coin. I do this all the time–though I admit, I never thought to use it when deciding on a number of children–but it can still work. You decide heads will mean you’re absolutely positively having another child, tails means you aren’t (or vice versa). If you are happy about the answer that comes up, you stick with it. If you’re disappointed, you know that’s not the right answer for you. My husband says this method defeats the purpose of flipping a coin, but it always helps me to discern my true feelings about something.
Four is definitely the final amount of children we will bring into this world. I made sure of that.:) Navigating six different people’s preferences is enough of a brain challenge for this gal.
Nice one! Love this so much I must link to it!!!
And now - - for a roll of the dice.
9 for us using the GFP method! So happy we used it!
Funny read! Thanks!
Sharon
[…] The Parenting Pit came up with this great method for deciding how many kids to have. […]
My husband and I have a motto with regards to children: “Never let them outnumber you!”. I have great admiration for those who have more, but my 2 are just right for me.