Patient, Calm, Light, Spontaneous & Playful
arun on Nov 11 2007 at 7:33 am | Filed under: mindfulness, parenting | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
Does that title describe you?
Many parents would like to be described this way according to the “Magic Parenting Pill Survey” I put on this site a while ago, which you can see by clicking here.
As I write this 94 people had voted (thanks everyone!). There were two options that clearly led the pack:
- 30% voted to be patient and calm ”under fire” (eg. during melt downs)
- 29% voted to lighten up, be spontaneous, have fun and play more
PATIENT & CALM UNDER FIRE
My gut reaction to melt downs used to be a flurry of panic based action. It came from a drive to fix things and find solutions (I wrote about this in the article Parenting is Making My Brain Hurt).
Since that time I have been trying to approach things very differently. Point 8 in Jon & Myla Kabat-Zinn’s 12 Exercises for Mindful Parenting really spoke to me, an exerpt of it is:
Learn to live with tension without losing your own balance… Practice moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without having to have a particular outcome occur. Simply bring your full awareness and presence to this moment.
The notion of Equanimity comes to play here. Its a new concept for me and you should look up definitions written by people with a clue… but for me it is about being in situation that is full of motion yet being able to sit with the balance that tension can bring.
It is observing and being mindful without being attached (not to be mistaken with being indifferent… just not attached). It is not something that comes natural to my inner “Mr Fix It”, which is part of the tension I try to be mindful to also. So I try to move into a state of being alert, present and letting go.
The image that sometimes come to mind these days in the midst of a melt down is a cyclone. Not that I’ve ever been in one or want to be – but ive seen enough movies and cartoons to know exactly what one is like ;)
I imagine the eye of the cyclone, the point at which there is calmness, peace and stillness which is effectively defined and brought alive by the motion and seeming chaos around it.
Of course failing that there is always the double martini that people suggested in the survey comments!
SPONTANEOUS & PLAYFUL
Thankfully this comes a little easier to me but even if it is a challenge for you there is good news. Many parents are unaware that there is a consultancy service available to them where they can work on the ground with an expert, actually a grand master of spontaneity, playfulness and living in the moment.
You can literally learn from and be mentored by this person in the comfort of your own home, in daily real life situations. It will take time but if you are open to their guidance you will begin to shed those layers life has put on you… and get back to being spontaneous and playful yourself. And believe it or not this service is available internationally and for free!!!
Who is this grandmaster? Your mentor in being spontaneous? Your guide to becoming more playful?
Its your child… so enjoy and learn 
You wrote: “It is observing and being mindful without being attached (not to be mistaken with being indifferent… just not attached)”
When my first son, Blake was younger (now 5), I would feel a sense of urgency whenever something wasn’t right with him. I wanted to fix it and almost took it as my doing (or not doing) that he was upset.
I’ve done a lot of growing since then. When my second son, Nate was born four years after Blake, I actually wondered if I had not fully bonded with him because I did not have any concern or anxiety when he was upset as a newborn. I would always hold him, love him and tend to his needs, but the calm within me did not change with his moods.
This same calmness continues today and I DO often wonder if it is indifference (even though I am passionately in love with him!)- your comment above made it clear to me that it is not indifference, but a lack of attachment to his upset. Thanks Arun.