What’s So Natural About Natural Consequences?
arun on Oct 05 2007 at 5:56 am | Filed under: conflict & communication, looking out, parenting | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
“Natural Consequences” are promoted by many mainstream parenting sources. It often involves a parent or teacher not intervening in an event to allow the child to experience the consequences and learn from it. Other definitions interchange and flow it into “logical consequences” which are enforced consequences that have some logical or thematic flow from a particular action.
An edited part of the Wikepedia definition explains:
“using natural consequences helps to teach appropriate behaviors … It can promote responsibility and typifies real life situations that will be beneficial in the future. For example, if a student is disruptive and does not complete and assignment with in the allotted time, then that student may have to stay in at recess or after school to complete the work. This is a natural consequence of his actions, not a punishment of his behavior.
Not sure what you think but this sounds a lot like punishment to me!
I believe that a true natural consequences happen naturally. If I as a parent must allow something to happen or enforce it to happen then I am effectively creating a situation… hardly natural in my book.
We actively participate in our children’s life and part of this is assisting them to navigate situations, understand implications and process experiences. We do not allow negative experiences to happen through inaction or action for “character building” or “learning” purposes. If we can see a consequence on the horizon why would we not assist in dealing with it.
It is a balance of course – as we also provide space for our children to explore and experiment. Sometimes this might involve waiting for them to ask for help or our opinion before providing it, although its always a judgement call.
For example if my daughter leaves her favourite toy outside and its going to rain some would argue by using natural consequences and allowing it to get wet she will learn. Personally, I would rather that she learn that she is in a family that looks out for one another and helps each other wherever and whenever we can.
The next time you are thinking about Natural Consequences try to turn it on its head! Rather than looking at the child’s behaviour as the trigger for a “natural” consequence, why not try viewing the child’s behaviour as a natural consequence of other factors, for example:
- The Natural Consequence: A child crying and yelling when it is time to leave a friend’s house
- Possible Causes: The child having different priorities to you (ie. wanting to prioritise staying with her friend) and simply being immersed in that moment and fun.
- The Natural Consequence: A child not listening to you
- Possible Causes: The child not feeling listened too, feeling disconnected or frustrated.
- The Natural Consequence: A child hitting
- Possible Causes: The child feeling physically or emotionally threatened and insecure. Or a child who requires assistance, connection and attention (or possibly even food or sleep).
- The Natural Consequence: A child having a “temper tantrum” with you at home
- Possible Causes: The child having pent up emotions and thoughts that she is trying to process and confident in a safe and trusted environment being able to release, vent and express such feelings.
Im sure you can come up with many more…
This makes such perfect sense Aran. the wiki definition is more of an ‘un’natural consequence isn’t it. Mind you, I have been guilty of that at times too. Ah well, perfect parenting is only a day away
I definitely do not agree with the Wikipedia definition but I do think that less parental intervention in some circumstances is helpful.
For instance, my son Nate will not wear clothes mostly - including when he goes outside and it is chilly and raining cats and dogs. I honor his choice and will take him outside (when some would call social services on me) and he experiences the ‘natural consequence’ of his choice….he is wet and cold. He usually decides to put clothes on (or at least a raincoat) and we continue with our day.
Another example…we live by the sea. My older son Blake loves to play on the beach with various tools & contraptions. I often ask/remind him of an incoming tide so he will not lose any items. But having reminded him, I think it is ok for him to experience the disappointment of a lost tool to the sea; it is lessons like this that saves us many future tools. [I once soaked a camera in this way and am now quite fanatical about leaving my gear above the tide line- I see it as a sort of right of passage!].
So I agree and don’t agree Arun. I definitely do not think we should set our kids up with consequences, but I do feel ok to sit with their disappointment when things don’t go as they would have liked due to their choices (or forgetfulness!).
Thanks for sharing those examples and your spin on this Jenn…
Just for people who have not seen your fantastic blog, a little perspective about the first example as Jenn lives in Alaska – so we are talking COLD! Though we are in sunnier climes there are situations when our daughter M says she is not cold and runs outside without a jumper. I guess my point is that we would grab it for her in that instance.
Similarly with the tools & sea example – personally I would not sit by and watch the tools go out to sea, even if I had warned M about it. I just could not artificially remove my self from a scenario for the sake of a lesson. That’s not to say that if it annoyed or frustrated me in picking up after her (which it does sometimes but not other times) that I would still find the ways of (ideally) constructively communicating that to M.
Its like if Anne my partner leaves something outside even after i reminded her about it. I would not think of leaving it there to prove a point or so she learns a lesson. I can not justify doing that to our kids either… Again if i thought it was an ongoing problem with Anne or the kids I would raise it with them.
I personally think that there are plenty opportunities for such lessons and times i can sit with their disappointment… and in the meantime i love that my guys know that “i got their back” and will be there to help where i can.
I would look at your example of a girl leaving a toy out in the rain. Is that really the “behavior”? It seems to me that it’s more the consequence of: 1. the child being too young to remember where she left her toy, or 2. me, her mother, not teaching her better what to do with her toys.
The world is full of opportunities to learn life’s hard lessons. We parents don’t need to manufacture them.
Our son is 2 and he sat down to read a book with his granny. He realised she didn’t have her glasses and so he jumped up and ran to the next room and got them for her, before she could even ask. He said she looked tired.
Every day there are times when he spontaneously goes out of his way for us or for those around him. I think it might have something to do with the fact that we do that for him. We try not to create artificial lessons. We don’t sit by and watch things happen. It works for us.
That wiki quote is not, IMHO, natural consequences in action. That’s ‘logical’ consequences — which means it is a judgement. Each of us has our own idea of logical…
The ‘natural’ consequence of not getting one’s assignment done is that it’s not done. Whatever happens beyond that is a choice.
I like your observation that within a family, there should be an expectation that we look out for one another.
In our family, I try to let natural consequences ‘play out’ when all attempts to assist have been unsuccessful…because in that situation, there can be value in consequences. The most valuable of these are the ones about which we can be neutral…
M
In the school example, the very setting, assignments and everything the child is being made to do is artificial. Then the child is punished for not acquiescing to the artificial requirements. Argh to the 10th power.
There is nothing logical or natural about punishment in my book. Nor is it natural to not intervene when a child needs you. I love this post.
I try to treat my kids the way I wish adults would have treated me when I was young and more vulnerable.
I totally agree with your natural consequences discussion - but it is true that sometimes kids have to see (at some point, at some age) the consequences of their actions. Like, if I snatch a toy from someone, they will feel sad and might cry. That helps them to see how their actions affect the world around them, and to see how they can change their actions to help things run smoother (if, indeed, they care!). Or if we don’t leave on time, the art class will be finished before we get there. But letting them have these consequences on purpose is artificial - at some point these things will just happen on their own and then the kid sees what happens. Like if you climb on something you could fall. every kid learns from that, and no one (well, not many) would say that you could never let your kid experience a fall!
Thanks for your blog!