Mendhi & Marriage Mayhem
arun on Sep 30 2007 at 9:45 am | Filed under: 4 to 8 year old, control & connection, empowerment & trust, family diary, parenting, unconditional | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
We just returned home from 10 days staying with my mum interstate for a relation’s Indian wedding extravaganza.
Pictured is M after Mendhi night, a traditional ceremony where henna is put in intricate patterns on the hands of female participants, it lasts for about two weeks afterwards.
WHEN YOUR CHEEKS ARE NOT YOUR OWN
A big Indian get together can be loads of fun for kids… but also extremely intense. For example in Indian culture a child’s cheeks do not seem to be their own, instead they are apparently part of the public domain. So anyone can come and pinch those cheeks at any time, in fact in some regions of India I believe its mandatory for chubby cute kids to have their cheeks pulled at least five times a day! At the same time there were a multitude of Aunties & Uncles who M had never seen before wanting hugs and kisses…
So this was one of the causes for several tense moments and in each we managed to take M away for some quiet time. One celebration was at a town hall. After 8pm M was insisting on leaving. We snuck next door to the library, read three books which seemed enough… she ended up on the dance floor until 1am!
Another instance saw Anne going on a hunt for pencils and paper with M at the Gurdwara (Sikh equivalent of a Church or temple) after one hour of prayers and music and two more to go… it was not just finding the drawing stuff (which did not end up being used) but the process of hunting for them also that mattered.
Likewise at the brides house before the wedding M seemed to momentarilly crack under pressure of being a flower girl and cried at the request of more photos of her in a silva kameez. This time the two of us ducked out to a nearby playground for a play on the swings. I let her know that she did not need to be a flower girl but after our play and chill out she seemed to gain the strength and reassurance to enjoy the rest of the day as a flower girl.
TIME IN
In these examples Anne & I viewed what some would call “tantrums” or “whines” as simple calls for help and reassurance. Many mainstream parenting sources would have you at best ignore or sometimes punish “negative” behaviour and reward and acknowledge “positive” behaviour. One common approach is to provide time outs for the former and time ins for the latter.
Our experience in the last week or so again reminded us that so called “negative” behaviour is a signal for help and time in.
Rather than get frustrated for M not “performing” or behaving in ways that were convenient for us, it was a reminder that she was feeling uncomfortable, insecure and needed support and attention… sometimes she even needed to get out of the situation. In our experience giving her such love and attention unconditionally, particularly at those moments, allowed her to feel confident that we were on her side should she choose not be a part of a given situation and be more adventurous, confident and enjoy the experiences more if she did choose to engage in them.
Now Ive just got to re read this post as we pack and move house in the next week… then travel overseas two weeks later. Hmmm… the Mayhem continues 
What great illustrations of what so many of us could do rather than punish or ignore–no matter which philosophy we practice in regards to parenting. I mean, as an introverted person I often need to step out for awhile and gather myself at such events…I am sure children feel very similar in a gathering of adults and adult activities for long periods of time.
Your illustrations were priceless and provide so much more than mere telling.
I love the idea of ‘time in’ … a great antithetical prompt for resisting knee-jerk ‘time out’ impulses in times of crisis and under social pressure.
I’ve had difficulty in the past (and probably will continue to have) with the predominant culture around me slipping in under my radar!
The idea of ‘time in’ is such a beautifully logical antidote!!!
Thanks for that!
thanks for the plug to my article and site Sally. I also appreciate finding your blog which ill be linking too next update. (I cant believe ive not added yours Shawna… Im slack in the link dept i know!)
I seem to write and read a lot about resisting “knee jerk” responses as you put it Sally. Im pretty motivated having previously been living in the land of knee jerking… as now I realise that:
1. my knee is not a good communicator and definitely not my best feature, and
2. I was the jerk behind the knee
So trying to lose the knee, be less of a jerk and in the process hopefully let my kids survive my attempts at parenting
Hi Arun and Anne,
Arun I really appreciate this post - gorgeous and you both did so much better than I would have done in the same situation. Life get so much more complicated than it needs to be due to the way we see it. Thanks for the wake up call, I’ll be open to our next *meltdown* and try to hear what is really happening.