(warning – this post discusses male genetalia and bodily fluids – please place a calm blue ocean in your minds eye and skip to the next post if such references shock, offend or make you feel slightly queasy)

Sperm Donor… At worst that’s what we guys are in the “miracle of life” equation.

For Mum’s there is such a direct link to baby. Nine months within their body, then breast feeding, nursing. Some say pregnancy is about the development of a baby… I suspect its about allowing the Mum time and a physical reminder of the huge, amazing event taking place! For us Dad’s in the absolute crudest terms… its just a squirt then a bunch of time passes before our world is turned upside down.

Yes I could wax lyrical and get all romantic about it… but lets face it, we just don’t have the same physical connection to the bub as Mum’s do.

On a slight aside while we are talking about sperm… don’t you think the whole male genetalia thing raises serious questions? I mean, life in general is so beautifully adapted to its surroundings – functional, natural, aesthetically wonderous and “right”. Then you look at guys and we’ve got these testicles hanging in a scrotum between our legs, they are not even symmetrical let alone “pleasing to the eye”! What’s worse, if they get hit it feels like someone has sucked our guts out with a straw while crushing our lungs with a clamp.

Im not a believer myself… but I am yet to come across a better argument that there is a god and that she is female then this “built in safety switch” that each male is born with. One swift kick and even the biggest guy is out of action.

Sure some argue its about keeping sperm at a lower temperature than core body temp… but really – any male involved at the drawing board stage of that one would have suggested internal fans, piped ice flowing past, more sturdy sperm or anything rather than the option we got.

But I digress… the point I was making is that the physical connection between a father and baby is just not the same as Mum.

It took a long time for me to appreciate the bond between Mother & bub. Of course for some women the pressure of expectation around this bond may contribute to stress, post natal depression, guilt and a myriad of other issues… But there is still potentially a special connection there.

For a while after our first child I argued that Anne & I could have the same relationship with our new baby. I was in a job at the time and in hindsight feeling a little on the outer. So in part it was probably about me trying to get into the relationship – almost fighting to be part of our new family rather than just a support person backstage.

I was so desperate to be more than a sperm donor in the process I undervalued motherhood.

By the time our second child was born I had managed to evolve somewhat. Several things had shifted. Our first child had grown older and my relationship had developed from a Sperm Donor… to a Father… to a Dad. From the outside it can look the same but its all the difference in the world– like the difference between a building… a house … and a home.

Growing into being a Dad and becoming confident in that was what has allowed me to acknowledge Mums. I still see new Dad’s struggling with this transition though.

So if you are a new Dad let me offer you some advice. Here’s what I wish I told myself just after the birth of our first child:

1. commit to attachment parenting, not just for your child… but for you! It allows you to develop a physical bond through carrying and cosleeping, short of males sprouting breasts (which apparently has been experimented with but do you really want to go there???) it is your best opportunity for a deeper physical & emotional connection in the preverbal, foundation child’s world
2. acknowledge that your relationship to your bub is totally different to her/ his Mum’s… and that is wonderful, powerful and filled with opportunity. At the risk of sounding like a t-shirt slogan: It’s not a competition… its a collaboration
3. its ok not to be in control, not to fix, not to solve… its ok to just sit with the confused mixed up emotional stew that comes from sleep deprivation, hormonal swings and other life changes in the midst of new parenthood. Real strength is about being able to sit with pain, doubt and still be present and open… or so Ive read because that still isnt me!
4. embrace your role as first line of support for Mum in the early days. And embrace impermanence – because everything changes and life with a baby changes even more. So be patient, be in it for the long term and let your relationship have confidence that your connection with your children will grow … and for that matter your relationship with your partner can renew and grow also (it wont happen over night…)
5. finally… over the coming years know what being a Dad means to you and what you really value. My advice is to take the pressure off and let go of all those common definitions – a protector, authority figure, male role model etc etc. Just strive to be a trusted, loving and supporting friend and the rest will flow from there.

enjoy

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