Comments on: Listening, to Avoid the “Heard Mentality” http://theparentingpit.com/2007/09/08/listening/ alternative parenting | conscious living | unschooling Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:56:29 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.1 By: shawna http://theparentingpit.com/2007/09/08/listening/#comment-2209 shawna Fri, 14 Sep 2007 14:32:04 +0000 http://theparentingpit.com/2007/09/08/listening/#comment-2209 I needed this topic today! It is something that has been on my conscious lately...and like you I probably peak at number four if I make it that far in dealing with my boys. As to the two responders: #1 your response was moving and motivating; #2 as a parent of many and a former teacher myself, I have to ask and make the statement--why do all the good ones always leave the profession LOL I needed this topic today! It is something that has been on my conscious lately…and like you I probably peak at number four if I make it that far in dealing with my boys.

As to the two responders: #1 your response was moving and motivating; #2 as a parent of many and a former teacher myself, I have to ask and make the statement–why do all the good ones always leave the profession LOL

]]> By: Stacey http://theparentingpit.com/2007/09/08/listening/#comment-2116 Stacey Tue, 11 Sep 2007 00:53:18 +0000 http://theparentingpit.com/2007/09/08/listening/#comment-2116 The method of listening that I find most amazing when I actually attain it listening fully without thinking about other things, especially what I want to say next. It usually takes some initial talking to myself at the beginning of the conversation, reminding myself what a gift it is to another person to be fully heard. I find when I am this involved in the listening and then pause to react it becomes all the more meaningful to me, as well. I would say they feel more validated but sometimes I disagree with them, but when you disagree with someone who can tell that you took the time to listen and hear everything that they were saying they may take the time to listen what you have to say, perhaps even hear you. In regards to children taking the time to use this method is more important. Society allows for adults to disregard a child's voice, in fact it expects it "children should be seen and not heard." Even many well 'attuned' adults use different standards when speaking with children, they usually assume that they know more and better than the child. But we don't, yes we have more experience and information but it doesn't make it better or correct. In my past life as a teacher (yes I was one of those) it always amazed me how much these interactions, even in quick moments, helped my students' needs to become clear to me and for their feelings to be validated. Of course so few teachers feel that they can take the time to have these interaction with each of their students (that's being generous most teachers probably still view children as unfinished humans). Perhaps this is why so many families feel ignored and marginalized by schools and that so many teacher feel as if they can not reach so many kids. If we listen to children fully we are in a better position to help, understand, and see them as whole people, not as unfinished humans. Even now with my son whose English words number 3 I try to listen to him, if not his verbal language than his physical one. The result is often immediate and he becomes engaged with me, showing me so much that I would never have seen through my own eyes alone. The method of listening that I find most amazing when I actually attain it listening fully without thinking about other things, especially what I want to say next. It usually takes some initial talking to myself at the beginning of the conversation, reminding myself what a gift it is to another person to be fully heard. I find when I am this involved in the listening and then pause to react it becomes all the more meaningful to me, as well. I would say they feel more validated but sometimes I disagree with them, but when you disagree with someone who can tell that you took the time to listen and hear everything that they were saying they may take the time to listen what you have to say, perhaps even hear you.

In regards to children taking the time to use this method is more important. Society allows for adults to disregard a child’s voice, in fact it expects it “children should be seen and not heard.” Even many well ‘attuned’ adults use different standards when speaking with children, they usually assume that they know more and better than the child. But we don’t, yes we have more experience and information but it doesn’t make it better or correct.

In my past life as a teacher (yes I was one of those) it always amazed me how much these interactions, even in quick moments, helped my students’ needs to become clear to me and for their feelings to be validated. Of course so few teachers feel that they can take the time to have these interaction with each of their students (that’s being generous most teachers probably still view children as unfinished humans). Perhaps this is why so many families feel ignored and marginalized by schools and that so many teacher feel as if they can not reach so many kids.

If we listen to children fully we are in a better position to help, understand, and see them as whole people, not as unfinished humans. Even now with my son whose English words number 3 I try to listen to him, if not his verbal language than his physical one. The result is often immediate and he becomes engaged with me, showing me so much that I would never have seen through my own eyes alone.

]]> By: jenn http://theparentingpit.com/2007/09/08/listening/#comment-2099 jenn Mon, 10 Sep 2007 03:57:48 +0000 http://theparentingpit.com/2007/09/08/listening/#comment-2099 nothing profound. just thought I would add a personal experience from today. when we arrived at my son Blake's friend's sixth birthday party, Blake began treating people around him unkindly. I found my inner talk telling me 'take him home if he can't be nice to others', 'why can't he be like the other kids and have some fun rather than seeking conflict?' I went to talk with him and at first I approached him with my internal chatter. Then, after some time as I let go of my ego, I was able to really be with him. I had a moment where I was really with his 'being'. I said very little - 'this is hard for you', but with a real understanding on a feeling level of what he was experiencing. I understood how overwhelming it was for him to be amongst so many friends at once in the particular setting. Upon uttering those words, Blake broke down in tears and hugged me with a sense of relief ('by gum, the idiot has got it!) From that moment on, Blake was able to join in the festivities. nothing profound. just thought I would add a personal experience from today.

when we arrived at my son Blake’s friend’s sixth birthday party, Blake began treating people around him unkindly.

I found my inner talk telling me ‘take him home if he can’t be nice to others’, ‘why can’t he be like the other kids and have some fun rather than seeking conflict?’

I went to talk with him and at first I approached him with my internal chatter. Then, after some time as I let go of my ego, I was able to really be with him. I had a moment where I was really with his ‘being’. I said very little - ‘this is hard for you’, but with a real understanding on a feeling level of what he was experiencing. I understood how overwhelming it was for him to be amongst so many friends at once in the particular setting. Upon uttering those words, Blake broke down in tears and hugged me with a sense of relief (’by gum, the idiot has got it!)

From that moment on, Blake was able to join in the festivities.

]]>