Listening, to Avoid the “Heard Mentality”
arun on Sep 08 2007 at 8:38 am | Filed under: conflict & communication, looking out, mindfulness, others wisdom, parenting | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
- A brief aside – I wanted to acknowledge people so far who have responded to the last post, 8 Things About You. With the variety of answers and insights so far it has now officially become my favourite post on this site. Please add your own answers if you have not done so already… especially if you are a regular visitor to the pit!
But now I wanted to talk about listening.
I recently attended a workshop by ex buddhist monk turned psychologist John Barter, the theme was “The Art & Heart of Concious Listening”.
It helped me to acknowledge the limits of my listening abilities and helped me aspire for more.
Sure I try to do the validation and acknowledment thing with our children… but too often it amounts to superficial feed back, almost parroting what is happening.
Stephen Covey’s talked about 5 levels of listening:
- Ignoring “within one’s own frame of reference”
- Pretend listening “within one’s own frame of reference”
- Selective listening “within one’s own frame of reference”
- Attentive listening “within one’s own frame of reference”
- Empathatic listening “within the other’s frame of reference”
If I am honest Id have to say I generally peak at number four. I hear… but its from a self centered perspective –What do I think about what is being said? how am I going to respond? what does it mean to me?
The shift I am trying to make is to view from “the other’s” frame of reference… in this instance from the view of my children. It’s trying to make such a shift that led me to write stuff like In the Land of Giants, but I realise how much further I have to go when I read Echart Tolle’s comment:
- “Most people do not know how to listen because the major part of their attention is taken up by thinking. They pay more attention to that than what the other person is saying, and none at all to what really matters: the Being of the other person underneath the words and the mind. Of course, you cannot feel someone else’s Being except through your own.”
My Being? Well Im finding it really hard to locate that under all of this thought and chatter…
Have you ever learnt a second language? You know that bit when your confidence is high after learning some vocab and basic grammar? You are able to make use of the little that you know and communicate.
Then you learn more… and suddenly you know enough to begin to see how much you don’t know. At that point you often stop communicating altogether as your mind freezes over tenses, grammar exceptions and so on before every sentence.
I think that’s where I’m at. I get the basics of non coercive, mindful parenting. I am functional enough and have read enough to implement chunks of it… imperfectly and inconsistently at times… but it happens in some form.
But now I am beginning to learn enough to realise how much more I want to do… I want to be. And how it starts with being mindful and aware…
And that is exciting, exhilarating and totally intimidating all at the same time.
nothing profound. just thought I would add a personal experience from today.
when we arrived at my son Blake’s friend’s sixth birthday party, Blake began treating people around him unkindly.
I found my inner talk telling me ‘take him home if he can’t be nice to others’, ‘why can’t he be like the other kids and have some fun rather than seeking conflict?’
I went to talk with him and at first I approached him with my internal chatter. Then, after some time as I let go of my ego, I was able to really be with him. I had a moment where I was really with his ‘being’. I said very little - ‘this is hard for you’, but with a real understanding on a feeling level of what he was experiencing. I understood how overwhelming it was for him to be amongst so many friends at once in the particular setting. Upon uttering those words, Blake broke down in tears and hugged me with a sense of relief (’by gum, the idiot has got it!)
From that moment on, Blake was able to join in the festivities.
The method of listening that I find most amazing when I actually attain it listening fully without thinking about other things, especially what I want to say next. It usually takes some initial talking to myself at the beginning of the conversation, reminding myself what a gift it is to another person to be fully heard. I find when I am this involved in the listening and then pause to react it becomes all the more meaningful to me, as well. I would say they feel more validated but sometimes I disagree with them, but when you disagree with someone who can tell that you took the time to listen and hear everything that they were saying they may take the time to listen what you have to say, perhaps even hear you.
In regards to children taking the time to use this method is more important. Society allows for adults to disregard a child’s voice, in fact it expects it “children should be seen and not heard.” Even many well ‘attuned’ adults use different standards when speaking with children, they usually assume that they know more and better than the child. But we don’t, yes we have more experience and information but it doesn’t make it better or correct.
In my past life as a teacher (yes I was one of those) it always amazed me how much these interactions, even in quick moments, helped my students’ needs to become clear to me and for their feelings to be validated. Of course so few teachers feel that they can take the time to have these interaction with each of their students (that’s being generous most teachers probably still view children as unfinished humans). Perhaps this is why so many families feel ignored and marginalized by schools and that so many teacher feel as if they can not reach so many kids.
If we listen to children fully we are in a better position to help, understand, and see them as whole people, not as unfinished humans. Even now with my son whose English words number 3 I try to listen to him, if not his verbal language than his physical one. The result is often immediate and he becomes engaged with me, showing me so much that I would never have seen through my own eyes alone.
I needed this topic today! It is something that has been on my conscious lately…and like you I probably peak at number four if I make it that far in dealing with my boys.
As to the two responders: #1 your response was moving and motivating; #2 as a parent of many and a former teacher myself, I have to ask and make the statement–why do all the good ones always leave the profession LOL