In That Moment
arun on Aug 23 2007 at 6:12 am | Filed under: conflict & communication, mindfulness, parenting | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
Anne has been putting me on to the likes of Eckhart Tolle & Jon Kabat-Zinn recently. They both discuss the importance of being aware of the moment as the moment is all we have.
In parenting terms, I am beginning to realise the particular importance of being aware in “that moment”. You know the moment Im talking about right?
Its that moment between your child doing something that you don’t like and what you do next.
What your child does is not the point – it might be eating, not eating, yelling, not talking, hitting, throwing, glaring, not looking… but it usually comes down to them not behaving in the way we want or expect.
What happens for you in the moment immediately after such an event? For me it used to be filled with countless voices: “She’s doing it again”, “why can’t she just listen”, “this always happens”, “Ive got to draw a line here”, “I deserve better than this”, “cant this just be simple”, “oh shit!”.
Actually those voices are still there chattering away in that moment… its actually a very noisy moment! The shift I have made is becoming more aware of them and beginning to observe and therefore separate myself from them.
In that moment the challenge is to be aware of what is happening for me… in me… and therefore more objectively observe what is happening around me.
This detachment for an instance, taking a conscious break between the event and my action is what allows me to move from reacting to responding in Kabat-Zinn terms, or as Covey puts it from reactivity to proactivity.
Reacting would be coming from my voices, my stories and my conditioned response. It is as if I am a ball that involuntarily moves into motion after being hit by another ball.
Responding or being proactive in such a situation comes from being aware and conscious to the moment. So after impact its as though the ball has a conscious mind in the drivers seat and can choose to move in a particular direction or perhaps not move at all.
Being aware in that moment presents the power of choice. Not being a slave to a script that was written from what happened last time, my mood, my preconceptions, my baggage or need for control.
Instead it is being able to say objectively, “this is what is happening for me”… “this is what is really happening” and then breathing… before asking myself, “what happens next?”
I love the way Kabat-Zinn puts it in one of his CDs:
- “Rather than react in the face of stress can you open up to it, invite it in and dance with it in a thousand different ways that might be possible. Trusting your inner wisdom and imagination to figure out what to do from moment to moment… “
He almost makes it sound like fun! I guess that’s what happens when you really become aware of each moment… you can actually live in them.
ps. you can read 12 Exercises for Mindful Parenting by Jon & Myla Kabat-Zinn here, its actually the first article I ever posted on this site
hello Arun,
i love this post. absolutely wonderful. i`ve been struggling so hard lately during those `moments`. which is crazy. why struggle? just surrender. right?!?
initially surrendering is harder. very scary. anything could happen, which only means one thing. i don`t have control. oh my god! i feel panic and confusion. i flail my arms desperately grabbing for something to lend me stability. control. the illusion of control.
but….little by little, ever so slowly, at a snail`s pace
, i let go, stop flailing, surrender…just a little. and i find that i can breathe while free falling into that moment. and what`s more, and this is the best part, i find that my children are waiting/ have been waiting to lift me up.
ps. i`m reading kabat-zinn too right now (everyday blessings). really helpful.
I absolutely love Jon Kabat-Zin. I quote from his “Wherever you go, there you are” often. If I have a bible, that is it.:)
It isn’t always easy to simply observe your own emotions, but it does let you find that “moment” you speak of. I get better at it slowly…..
Wow, good advice! I guess that’s sort of what I try to do, but I never thought about it in this way. I try and distance myself then “plug” into the situation differently. Whenever I take the time to do that, there are much better results and a happier kid!
thanks!
just what I needed today
Arun,
What I have read is that those thoughts are not you. They are the result of your history, but you can choose to use those words/actions, or not. But realize that those are not you. They are just things floating up from old tapes or, in computer terms (I’m a computer geek, sorry), scripts that were written poorly to begin with.
The trick is to recognize that they are not you, and to watch those words float by. You have the power to accept and use them, or to reject them and wait for something else to come along.
These old programs were useful to us once. And they hang around, automatically doing their jobs even though we don’t need them anymore. Until we decide to replace them with something better. It’s not easy, but it can be done.
And now I have someone else to go read as well.
I haven’t visited in awhile…have been beyond busy to say the least, but here I stop in today and two post that speak straight to my soul! Wow!~
I definitely wish to look into both people you reference…and definitely need to read this post a few times a day as I am struggling with these moments, drowning in them right now and not liking my responses, am in fact embarrassed by my responses, ashamed of them at times.
I have to remember to stop by much more often!