DO NOT READ THIS POST!
arun on Aug 13 2007 at 7:29 am | Filed under: 4 to 8 year old, control & connection, empowerment & trust, newbies, parenting, unregulating food, tv, unschooling | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
So you’re reading it anyway right?
In fact more people will probably read this post because of that title. Me writing “Do NOT read this Post” is a limit that is unexplained, artificial and/ or you have no reason for believing… why wouldn’t you at best ignore it or more likely become even more curious by it?
So do you think children are some how different?
In my experience limits such as “go to bed at 8:30pm” or “only eat two of those and after dinner” or “not until you clean up” or “you can watch 1 hour of TV” etc etc might make sense to parents but to children they would probably seem as arbitary or unfounded as the title to this post. Certainly before making broader unschooling shifts our daughter, M, at 4yrs old seemed to be attracted to limits we set like neon signs.
Having since let go of such limits and grown to trust her, it is often like breathing a sigh of fresh air. Gone are the days of anxious protection and fear that something will burst the bubble of control we were at times tenuously maintaining.
The lack of limits and availability of choice means that there are no “control” issues informing her choice. Consequently she is not making choices to assert her independence, defy us, or prove how grown up she is. She is just making choices…
We have a way to go on this path and of course we are very proactive in providing a positive and supportive context from which her choices are being made… but even now I often think what a gift this is.
M has the opportunity to grow up with a healthy relationsip with food, her body’s need for rest & sleep, screen time and so on. Yes, its meant that we had to come out of our bubble… but Im sure it would have popped sooner or later… probably sooner actually.
I totally agree. The more we tells kids NO the more they push against us. It’s not bad, it’s human nature. I’ve found that if I have to set limites taking the time to explain why, allow input, and phrase it in a postive way rather than negative makes it so much easier.
I couldn’t agree more. I think that not only will the child have a healthy relationship with all the things mentioned but also with me as their mother. And they will truly understand unconditional love.
Yup, I read it cuz it told me not to.
hehe
I agree and life is easier and more joyous when you let them make choices for themselves but what about all the safety issues that need to be instilled like no running in the street?
hi Stacey,
I guess our daughter at 5 is older than Alder, so such dangers become more self evident to her.
Your question is more relevant to our son who is 16 months. We definitely impose more limits on him though we try to accomodate him where possible. Eg. if he wants to go on the road we hold his hand or pick him up to take him accross it and find something appealing for him on the other side.
We also try to let him see potential dangers, eg. i often hold him while i cook over our stove. He used to try to grab at the pan or the flame… so I held his hand near the flame so he could feel the heat (not as mean as it sounds) so he knows its hot and i dont have to keep pulling his hand away. Now he points to it like a joke because he knows ill remind him that its “hot” which he thinks is funny (inherited my pathetic sense of humour it seems…)
i want to write more on our approach to a very young child (our 16 month old son) compared to a young child (our 5yr old daughter) and will try to get my thoughts coherent enough for a post on this soon… thanks for the prod!
arun
I like to think of true safety issues as something the child would WANT you to do for them if they understood the danger. They don’t want to get hurt.
For us, the main goal is to address the underlying need. If the underlying need for running toward the busy street is a need to run, we can go find a safe place to do that like a park. If the need is to explore cars, we can find a car lot or other safe place to do that. If the need is to explore the street, we can do it together when there is no traffic (or if that isn’t possible, find a different street to explore).
I think the mindful parent is aware of the underlying need (or trying to discover it at least) and focusing on how to creatively meet that need, rather than say “no” or stop the behavior.
I find that different children respond differently to limits. My older boys did fine with them when younger, but my youngest child has rebelled and pushed and tested since he was able…and it gets us nowhere and fast.
Your post has given me something to think about, along with some other thoughts from other people…but I am finding I have a highly intelligent child on my hand who has flat out asked and questioned about coercion in parenting and absolutely does not like it nor see it as fair nor right nor just nor logical LOL And he is merely seven–his behavior has demenostrated his feeling for a few years now, but recently he has voiced and argued with words against it in a very profound way.