Wanted… One Village to Help Raise our Children
arun on Aug 02 2007 at 2:33 pm | Filed under: parenting, relationships | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
- “It takes a village to raise a child”
– African Saying
What constitutes a family these days? There are single parents; blended groups via splits and new partnerships; mixed genders with gay & lesbian relationships etc etc.. However in most iterations there is often a common thread – pressure put on one or at best two individuals to parent a child.
Taking the pressure off families usually involves having time away from children – whether it be through school or child care.
The idea of a closer communities to assist families seems like a pipe dream for many… but an appealing one still. So what form can it take? What could a village look like in contemporary western culture?
THE LOCAL VILLAGE
Almost a decade ago I read Deborah White’s Seeds for Change where she unpacked todays alienated urban living and suggested tangible, possible steps forward.
From what I remember (dont quote me), she made the observation that for many women who are primary carers a main social interaction came through consumerism – going to the shops. She posed a number of ideas as alternatives and one that stuck with me was the idea of a “community house”.
This idea involved having one house in every locality or neighbourhood which was simply a gathering place and “community space”. It might be a drop in place for local children and adults alike, a place to eat together occasionally, share resources, hold events etc etc..
The community house is just one idea but the point is “village” or community in this instance is based on geography. The benefits are particularly the logistical ease and the possibility of incidental, unplanned contact. The main draw back is that you may have nothing in common with your neighbour and difficulty connecting – so incidental contact might come but maybe remain superficial and unsatisfying.
THE VILLAGE OF AUNTS & UNCLES
Another option is based on extended family. Certainly coming from an Indian background I see this often. However for many who have made relatively alternative parenting choices, while extended family are important and loved… you might also need “a little space” from them (is that being diplomatic enough?).
The benefits of this option are often that your family has known you from the beginning and have that shared history. For those who wish to grow and make significant changes in themselves and their lives, of course this can be one of the main draw backs also.
THE VIRTUAL VILLAGE
Another more recent option is through the internet. I see this and am part of it with this blog and my (mainly lurking) participation on several egroups. The benefit in direct contrast to the above two options is that you can seek out like minds from across the planet. So you are into unschooling with a twist of EC, AP and a little NVC? While most people you know would look at you funny when you mentioned that… there is probably an egroup out there for you.
The problem of course is that in many instances you will never actually meet them. What good is an egroup when you just want a hand to cook dinner without kids hanging off your legs screaming? Times like that emailed empathy only goes so far.
SO WHERE IS OUR VILLAGE ANYWAY?
We have explored many options, largely based on Anne’s energy and initiative – of eco villages, multiple occupancy dwellings, joint living arrangements etc etc..
We have always been aware that we dont want to live in a commune… just a community. But finding in the right place, at the right price, with the right people and right time had eluded us to this point.
We would love to find the perfect prefabricated and cosy village for our family to slot into. Instead we are working at a number of levels to get there… effectively cobbling together a combination of the three above options into our own versions of a FrankenVillage.
Would love to hear how you are going beyond your family into a village… feel free to leave a comment below.
We moved to the Mt Warning area 18 months ago and I have been very conciously forming a village. Finally after 18 months I feel like it is happening.
Our neighbours on one side are retirees who are really beautfiful with our children. They are respectful of our ‘out there’ ideas and I am so grateful to have landed next to them. T and J jump the fence almost daily to play, help in their garden, read or just feel independant by going off without Mama. We talk over the fence, care for each others chooks and swim in their pool
On the other side there is a family with children who come and play every weekend or vise versa. Very different authoritarian parenting happening there which is always makes interesting conversations with T.
I also have been really putting myself out in the world trying to find natural learning families and get to know them. I have met some really beautiful people - what a wild and woolly crew!
What a ramble!
So we have no MO or commune that we have slotted into - it has taken time in the oe place and energy. I find the key for me is to be open to all friendships and the right people just come into your life.
I spent a long time searching for like minded people. Along the way I had missed so many beautiful people, in my blinkered search. I realise that these “others” teach me so much and I feel very grateful for that.
We’re moving into a cohousing community next year - the construction has just started on our houses. We have singles and married people with no children and families with children. There is a range of parenting styles, but people are respectful of other people’s choices and from what I’ve seen so far, respectful of children. We have 3 unschoolish homeschooling families (including us). I’m hoping that this provides the right mix of community and privacy.
I’ve always struggled with this concept. It seems to be so prevalent amongst those groups of people who choose an ‘alternative’ parenting style; commonly used to wistfully contemplate how life may have been different if we were suddenly transported back to a tribal time where co-sleeping, demand feeding and responding to your infant’s needs were the norm. In that environment though our immediate community would have no doubt shared very similar ideals on how to raise children from infants to adults.
I find my personal issue with the concept stems from my inability to find others who share my (and my husband’s) parenting beliefs. I just can’t accept that a village would do better by my child than a committed and caring parent/s. I don’t mean to decry all others as being incapable of meeting my child’s needs or that we are trying to remove her from experiencing others’ beliefs. But when she is only just approaching two years of age I don’t see any need for her to be ‘brought up’ by anyone other than myself and her father.
Having said that I think the ‘village’ is definitely of benefit to the parent. I have found my village to be a wonderful group of mothers through a local AP group. These women are all warm, welcoming, supportive and diverse. They embrace different approaches to parenting, enjoy discussion and (bless them all!) are not judgmental. Just meeting up with them once a week at the local park is a wonderfully sweet breath of fresh air.
So that probably made little sense. :o)
Cheers, Cass
Right now my village is online. I have a close group of families that I can share and talk with. But I am daily reminded that it lacks the personal feel of having a neighbor that you can pop over to any time. I wish I had a village in the sense of extended family or even close friends. I don’t feel that we were made to raise our children alone, we should be in tight tribes/villages/communities working together.
I’ve looked into some intentinal communities, but unfortunately the hubs thinks I’m crazy. So right now I jsut wish.
this topic has been on my mind for the longest time. my husband and i live in japan with our two small children. we are essentially alone here as our respective families are back in the US and AUS. there are times when i REALLY wished we had them close by. like when my oldest is hospitalised from time to time and my husband and i trade shifts staying with him until he`s released. if we lived near family we could easily call on them for support in one way or another. also, it would just be nice to spend a bit of quality time with my husband without the boys, which hasn`t happened in over 4 years.
ON THE OTHER HAND, our respective families do not share our parenting style. at times they are so vastly different that i do not feel comfortable with the idea of living near them and all that would entail.
i quite like the idea of forming a community with like-minded families here and am trying to do that now, but it`s been really challenging for several reasons. My japanese is atrocious. even having a basic conversation is a real stretch for me. also the concepts of homeschooling/unschooling and alternative ways of parenting are really just catching on here. there are like-minded families, but they are sort of scattered all over the country. and finally, i have a hard time simply `letting go` of my ideals and expectations and letting other people in. i know it`s important for children to have varied experiences and that includes meeting people from different backgrounds with different beliefs and different ways of looking at the world, but my boys are still so small and my trust issues are really big.
[…] Arun from the parenting pit is asking about the same problem. A village to help with child raising and support. Taking the pressure off families usually involves having time away from children – whether it be through school or child care. […]
a village or even a handful of parents/friends?
this title took my eye.
We quickly realised there are not many parents like us (natural parenting / aware parenting etc). Though there is a small handful spread out in our region.
We live just north of Coffs Harbour, and have a lovely 16month old boy. Would be happy to connect with anyone in the area or simply passing by.
OK, count me in!
can we actually call it Frankenvillage?
I love that name
Thanks for your comments everyone! Hope the comments keep coming…
Chrissy I particularly appreciated when you said:
I spent a long time searching for like minded people. Along the way I had missed so many beautiful people, in my blinkered search. I realise that these “others” teach me so much and I feel very grateful for that.
I think part of this for me is my continual struggle to be non judgemental and focusing on difference. Im getting better at this but still a work in progress.
Thanks too Casso. Unlike many I dont really have any love of the old tribe idea… I am more looking for “community”, or a supportive network of people. I still want to be the parent… but am open to help… and a lot of it.
Thanks for sharing info of your intentional physical community Manisha, your online one Summer (mommybabble) and your challenges in networking Cyndi and Brett…
I am often amazed and saddened how hard connecting can be when so many people are so isolated! Great to read of you all making links in your own ways. Certainly spurs me on to keep going.
Yes… and “Frankenvillage” sounds good to me too
I’d like to put in another plug for cohousing. My family rents in one such community while we try to build our own cohousing community in Seattle. We love the support we get through the AP community here, but the meetings are only once a month, and scheduled playdates can be so… inflexible. You have to work around nap and illness and tantrums and somethimes other people’s preschool schedules (we’re unschooling). And we’re involved in the homeschool community here but that’s also scheduled.
What I have loved about living in cohousing these last three months is the spontaneous daily connection with others, both parents of younglings and non-parents. When we have a tough moment or two, we can go out and play in the sandbox, and maybe someone comes by with a plate of cornbread to share and maybe another parent comes by with his kids and we talk about great restaurants nearby, or maybe no one comes by but we still feel privileged to be able to make use of the community resources that are just outside our door (instead of having to gear up to walk/drive to a park). And we share meals and community service with these neighbors so we have a connection that is more than incidental or proximal.
I’m still the responsible parent but I can let go enough to have the retired couple on the corner offer cookies when the kids knock on their door as we walk through the courtyard, or let my neighbor-with-many-plastic-toys watch Tallest for an hour while feverish Smallest and I take a much-needed nap. The trade-off is so worth it.
This community currently having a series of parent meetings to discuss how we parent each others’ kids (safety rules, etc.). It might be great having a community formed of only people who believed exactly the same things we do, all unschoolers and compassionate communicators and cloth-diaperers and sling-wearers and brownrice-eaters. But I’d miss all the other interesting people and I’d miss the unexpected kindness of people reaching out despite differences.
And that’s why I’m growing a village to grow my kids.