Relationship by the Numbers
arun on Jun 22 2007 at 11:59 pm | Filed under: *favourites*, relationships | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
I came up with this while having a virtual chat with some aus unschoolers about relationships.
Anne & I have been together for over 11 years now and there is a cycle that I have noticed… it seemed to get some resonance with the bods I mentioned it to before, so i thought it might be of interest to you too.
So here it is – Relationship by the Numbers…
- loving, appreciative and present to one another
- loving out of momentum and habit
- living together out of habit
- getting pissed off with each others habits
- crisis point where one of us decides we want something more
- miscommunication where we snipe and snap at each other over side issues
- culmination of crisis point where we reach some form of understanding – something shifts, often internally here (or has so far)
- begin trying to live together and be more present and understanding
- slowly remember and reconnect with the deep love we share for one another…
then repeats back to step 1.
Have not been able to break out of this cycle yet… but am working hard to “live in step one” for as long as possible.
What number are you up to?
Love this! We are hopefully getting to step 8 after some hard times. Really related to all the steps and seeing it all put down so brutally honestly and methodically
I think we’ve been through the cycle at least twice and we’re coming up on 20 years marriage (27 years together) this summer.
Arun, I’ve noticed this pattern too. Especially early on in our marriage when we weren’t communicating very well with one another. We would get stuck in 4 or 5 for a while, and get to 9 for a short period, skip one, and go back to 2 until the distraction of work and school wasn’t enough to keep us from getting to 4 again.
Now, it’s different. I’d say we’re mostly at 1. We rarely get into 2 or 3 now. When we move into 4, 5 or 6, it doesn’t last long. When we gets to 7, we move into 1 again pretty quickly.
I’m not sure what we do differently now. I think part of it is my shift in expectations of what he is bringing to the relationship. And being honest about how his behavior makes me feel, without asking him to change it.
No, there’s a lot more than that. But we got a point where we both realized we were trying to be “right”, and to a certain extent, trying to win, or prove a point.
I stopped that. Now, when we fight, I don’t try to fix him. Or be right. Instead, I focus on communicating. And trying to get both of our needs met. Hubby’s a great guy. So he’s been changing too. Although, he probably wouldn’t want to talk about it. Too much bringing attention to how we get along makes him self conscious.
BTW, we’ve been married 11 years too. Our 11th anniversary is coming up in a few weeks.
Well, after almost 18 years of marriage, almost 20 together I have to say that the cycles still exist but the symptoms are MUCH milder!:)
Similar cycles though. We just never get to any kind of crisis point, though we might have some really intense discussions. There’s a “comfortableness” now that I can’t quite explain. But in that comfortableness, there’s still a lot of room for excitement and new dreams.
I’m glad to know there is a pattern to look for. I think right now I’m stuck in 4/5/6 all at once. LOL But I’m looking forward to getting back to 1 and staying there.
I think we skipped some of the numbers in the cycle, and we’re never wholly in one pattern or another. We always keep hold of number 1, no matter what other numbers we add to the mix. We’ve been married 12 wonderful years, and I’m still happy to be together.
But I’ve done it once before and that time, only got to number 5 and that’s where it stagnated for three years, until I decided enough was enough.
My husband’s parents were divorced when he was thirteen.
So, between his family history and my past, the odds are kind of stacked against us, but the one constant over the years is that we are committed to our relationship - above all other things, and so far, that seems to be working well.
Patterns in relationships are always interesting. If I was to follow your numbers we tend to do something like 1,1,1,1,4,5,6,9, and back to 1. What is most important is when you are stuck in the 4-7’s you can reach back into your mind and remember that it is a cycle not and endless roll down hill.
When we are fighting we there is always a duality about it, we might be really annoyed or pissed off at each other but at the same time we are able to diverge as well. Of course the duality isn’t there in every moment.