English to ‘Behaviourish’, learning a new language
arun on May 30 2007 at 10:04 am | Filed under: 4 to 8 year old, aware, conflict & communication, newbies, nvc & pet, parenting, unconditional | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
Its difficult for me not to regret how I used to respond to my daughters moments of anger when she was three. I was still in my “rules and boundaries” world view (it was before I started listening and learning from my daughter). So when M, my daughter was angry and yelling, the first thing I used to do was judge.
I would judge whether crying and yelling was reasonable in that situation. If something “bad enough” happened. If the event seemed to be minor to me I would say things like “its OK”. Even if i thought it warranted some reaction I would usually say something like, “don’t cry, just talk to me about it properly” and sometimes not respond until she was speaking without tears. I was really big on her stopping crying so we could do something about the problem…
I also had this thing about her hitting. Back then I used to have a hard and fast rule that if she hit, even in a moment of rage, then i would put her in room and she would have to stay there until “she was ready”. I can’t believe now that there were times she was crying her heart out and I would be on the other side of the door holding it closed 
No point regretting I know. It was who I was at the time and what I was capable of as a parent and person. I have since apologised to M for that approach and thanked her for prompting me to develop further…
One of the changes is that I have been learning a new language, for lack of a better name “Behaviourish”.
Viewing behaviour as a language was a significant paradigm shift. I now see that behaviour always has a purpose – whether it is a cry for connection or an expression and emotional release.
Now I never say “It’s OK” when my daughter is crying… I would not think of dismissing her perception or feelings like that. Now I actively validate her feelings and what I perceive to be her needs behind them. If she hits out, I try to look at the bigger picture of what is going on. I ensure that I or others are not being hurt, but I appreciate that the hitting (which has become very rare) is also an attempt at communication or expression.
This language is hard to understand sometime, particularly in public places as Ive found that most people not only dont speak Behaviourish but also do not view it as a language. They, like I used to, often see it more as an inconvenience at best and some child based character flaw at worst. With such an approach it is no wonder that this language is relegated to obscurity through ignoring it, distracting away from it. dismissing it or worse trying to crush it out of existence.
For my part I find my self pondering how could I have possibly connected with my children without learning this new language as well as English? I’m still a beginner with very limited vocabulary and grammar… but Ive started. Hoping to be fluent in about 30 or 40 years maybe?
This sounds a little bit like NVC or “How to talk so kids will listen….”
I struggle with this too. When they hit a friend, I find it pretty easy to deal with - apologize to the other kid and her parent, then try to figure out why my kid was hitting. See if we can find another solution. But when my own kids hit each other - I have a hard time being the mediator and the apologizer and the negotiator all at once. What’s your perspective on when sibs yell/hit/fight/yank things from each other? Especially when they do it.. uhm… many times a day?
Thanks!
Im very nvc influenced but try to make it more internal rather than using the language too much. Our children are 1 yr & 5yr old. So maybe not the same sort of battles? When our 5yr old did hit our littlest one we worked out that she was wanting more mummy time. I was spending heaps of time with her but she still needed special mum time as well. Interesting that you are fine with other kids… i often find that harder because i am worried about their parents reaction. Good luck! btw love your site!
With a child who is still in the nonverbal stage it seems that I am always trying to interpret what he behavior means. What I find interesting is how not only I am learning to understand him but how he is starting to use how he acts to get ideas across to us before he has use of words. Of course there are still misunderstandings but we are learning from each other.
Where I get stumped is when there is set of interactions between the two of us where middle ground seems too slip away. The most poignant example of this is anytime someone is in the kitchen cooking or cleaning my son immediately follows them in there and holds on to their leg. We understand that he is really curious about what we are doing but it is difficult to hold him and safely work in the kitchen.
Moments like that are when I know we still are not fluent in each others language.
They are great teachers, our children - When I witness my children acting out their feelings I marvel at the purity. Seeing Jimi ift the roof off in a tantrum reminds me how simple life can be. Pure passion, I love it!
I aim to develop your love for these moments Chrissy… i am still just trying to sit with them without panicing for the moment.
Also Stacey re the kitchen thing… i know its not your main point but we use “pantry time” to allow us time to cook dinner. Z our 1 yr old literally stands in the pantry pulling out tins and pasta. He pretty much goes for 10 minutes which is often enough to do the hot stuff undisturbed. Im thinking of selling custom made pantries for just such a purpose
Not only for throwing things around Arun, but also, as they get a little older, pantries are great for “shopping”. Give them a basket and away they go, placing their shopping carefully in the basket and oragnising their money (usually two twenty cent pieces I’ve placed somewhere within reach).
As for the hot stuff, DD is very interested and always wants to look inside the pot. I often hold her up to look inside while DH is cooking (he does the kitchen stuff in our house). We only have to do this for a short time before I am led away to engage in some more ’stirring’ at her own ‘kitchen’ in her bedroom. :o)
What would happen if I were to stamp my feet, scream and cry in the healthfood store? - because organic food is so expencive and I am terrified what I have in my trolley will not feed us all for the week, my children are pulling things off shelves left right and center, I have had broken sleep for 5 years, I am nearly out of petrol….. I clench my teeth together, stand up tall, I hold it together, I gently usher my feral children to the car and hope I don’t have to tell a fairy story on the wa home. I let no one see how I feel - that is why I find so much joy in Jimi releasing in a clear and powerful way…. Where does my tantrum go?
I’m not sure how we made it through those years either, but I know I wasn’t always the calm, understanding mommy either. I think it is okay though because our children get to learn that we are people too. We make mistakes and have needs as well and an occasional parent tantrum shows them just how tricky it can be to deal with a tantrumer I think.
Once the age of reason kicks in it is so much easier to let kids do their own thing and to cooperate.
That’s an interesting perspective, Kim. I’m of the opinion that young people have ‘reasoning abilities’ much earlier than anyone gives them credit for and tantrums are what result when their very reasonable natures are pushed to the limits with frustrations and disappointments (see Arun’s article on the Land of the Giants).
I don’t find it ‘tricky’ to deal with someone who has tantrums…it’s really easy if you let them get on with what’s coming out and just ensure their (and your) safety. I love how incredibly present they are when they’ve finished and how their understanding of the world seems to flourish after such a big release…it’s like a ‘brain-flush’!
I’m sure society’s disapproval of tantrums is half the reason we as adults are often trapped in a fog, unable to get present, and/or suffering somewhere in our bodies. Maybe the bravest ‘activist’ type thing I could do in my life is to chuck a good old tanty when I need to!