Was it just me… or when you were a child did you plan out three wishes just in case you happened upon a genie in the lamp? Ok it was just me… but who’ll be laughing when a genie appears in front of you and all you can think of to ask for is an endless supply of chocolate! See it pays to plan ahead (actually… an endless supply of chocolate… not a bad option really!)

So the wishes I had planned – The first was that everyone in the world became more intelligent (ok… now i know that i would have a hard time defining that). The second was that everyone would be more empathetic, so they wouldn’t just use all those new brains to build even better weapons (personally I thought we could have shifted resources away from that line of thought after the “pointed stick break through”). And the third… well that was a toss up between being able to fly and being able to time travel.

My point besides revealing what a childhood nerd I was (it got better… now im a grown up nerd!). Well my point is that even back then I realised how crucial empathy is.

Now as a parent I am thinking that empathy is a crucial quality that I wish to impart to my children. I am also clear that I want my children to be able to act in accordance with an internal compass and principles rather than external fear / reward or whatever. I realise that their principles or compass will most likely be different to mine, however I feel that a deep sense of empathy will keep them on a humanist or compassionate path.

Lots of good stuff on empathy & kids out there – a favourite of mine is Developing Empathy in Children and Youth.

It is pitched at school educators but much value to us homeschoolers also. Some conclusions include (and I quote from the paper itself):

• MOTHERS whose behavior toward their preschool children is RESPONSIVE, NONPUNITIVE, AND NONAUTHORITARIAN have children who have higher levels of affective and cognitive empathy and prosocial behavior (Eisenberg, Lennon, and Roth 1983; EisenbergBerg and Mussen 1978; Kestenbaum, Farber, and Sroufe 1989; and Zahn-Waxler, Radke-Yarrow, and King 1979).
• REASONING WITH CHILDREN, even quite small ones, about the effects of their behavior on others and the importance of sharing and being kind is effective in promoting empathy and prosocial behavior (Clarke 1984; Kohn 1991; Ladd, Lange, and Stremmel 1983; and Zahn-Waxler, RadkeYarrow, and King 1979).
• PARENTAL MODELING OF EMPATHETIC, CARING BEHAVIOR toward children–and toward others in the children’s presence–is strongly related to children’s development of prosocial attitudes and behavior (Eisenberg-Berg and Mussen 1978; Kohn 1991; McDevitt, Lennon, and Kopriva 1991; and Zahn-Waxler, Radke-Yarrow, and King 1979).
• WHEN CHILDREN HAVE HURT OTHERS or otherwise caused them distress, research supports the practice of giving explanations as to why the behavior is harmful and suggestions for how to make amends (Kohn 1991; and Zahn-Waxler, Radke-Yarrow, and King 1979).
• PARENTS ENCOURAGING SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN TO DISCUSS THEIR FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS is positively related to the development of empathy in those children (Clarke 1984).

The paper also mentions the work of Alfie Kohn and others in identifying that “The provision of EXTRINSIC REWARDS OR “BRIBES” to improve children’s behavior is counterproductive. As with other research on extrinsic rewards, researchers have found that providing payoffs for prosocial behavior focuses attention on the reward rather than the reason for it and that the desired behaviors tend to lessen or disappear when the reward is withdrawn”.

For me using tools such as PET and NVC is a crucial method in getting in touch with my own empathy and developing in my children (see the articleParenting is Making My Brain Hurt for more on that…).

The other thing that I am becoming more conscious about using are “stories”… but I will write more on that another day.

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