I admit to total frustration at times. When our daughter barks a command at her grand mother. Or yells at us after we have just gone out of our way to try to help her. Such experiences are not everyday but they happen… we just got back from staying with my mother in law, so a few such episodes are still fresh in my mind.

I am unconditional in my love of our children, I strive to have no expectations and understand the feelings & needs behind the particular behaviour they are expressing… but occasionally my inner voice says, “yelling ‘stop being such a rude brat… now get in your room and stay there!’ would be so easy and bloody satisfying about now!!!”

[mental note to self: insert deep breath here]

The most effective way to gather myself in such situations is to imagine the sort of people we are encouraging and allowing our children to become.

Of course some would argue we are creating “spoilt brats” and such behaviour should have clear consequences (read punishments). Punitive responses to her behaviour and a “training approach” was my old approach to parenting and is pretty much accepted in the mainstream. Now it is something I would prefer to relegate to ‘dog training’ and keep as far away from children as possible.

So now I am kept on track by asking ‘who will they become?’. When they grow up, I can only hope our children are:

• self aware and honestly in touch with their own emotions, feelings and needs
• empathetic and caring of others emotions, feelings and needs; and able to act in ways that are sensitive and respectful to their impact on people and the planet
• internally motivated by their own principles, rather than opinions of peers or promises of externally defined rewards or punishments
• powerful, empowered and unstoppable in having confidence that they can do, can learn, can create, can act, can connect in any way they want
• into daggy jokes and sci fi… well ok, this one is an optional extra… but it would be cool

Not much to ask hey?

Even I can see that achieving that list is not about me creating conditioned responses of “please grand ma”, or “thank you dad” for fear of reprisal… even if such behaviour became habit, it would be superficial, “trained” and insincere. It would not even begin to touch upon the person of who my children are becoming.

When I get in touch with that, I know how essential it is to “keep my eyes on the prize”, so:

• I choose to continue modelling and be the qualities I wish to impart – loving, respectful and empathatic.
• I aim to let them know of their impact on others through constructive communication – expressing my feelings and needs… sometimes emotionally and forcefully but never threateningly.
• I strive to understand for myself and help my children become self aware of what is happening for them and why they are behaving in such a way.
• I act with compassion and patience
• I work to connect and be there for my children through acceptance, empathy and love

No Comments »

Trackback URI | Comments RSS