Aletha Solter is controversial amongst some attachment parenting circles for her radical (in the AP community) perspectives on crying and the idea that we should hold children and let them express their emotion rather than for example constantly breast feeding them in such situations (assuming needs like hunger, sleep etc are met). Obviously much more to it and we will write more as we begin to apply her principles and practice to our sleepless 10 month old son.

I have just received permission from Dr Solter to reproduce her 20 Alternatives to Punishment article which you can view here.

I find this list useful and interesting… there are a few qualms though. Some of it is just language, so for point 8 where she says:

8. MAKE SMALL CONCESSIONS.
Example: “I’ll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired.”

That to me just comes from a “power over” perspective which is not what we are trying to create… but i support the sentiment. My main point of issue really is with point number 10:

10. LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OCCUR (when appropriate).
Don’t rescue too much. Example: A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may find them still wet the next day. (But don’t create artificial consequences.)

Personally, I feel that the whole “natural consequences” thing has been over done and is often used as cover for a punitive or punishment based approach, Solter does specify “where appropriate” but this still leaves it too open for me. To intentionally not hang up my daughters’ bathing suit is creating an “artificial consequence” in my opinion.

If my partner leaves her bathing suit lying around, I would not leave it there to “train her” or “teach her a lesson”. I would hang it up. Why would I have a different approach with my children? Do I have to check name tags before cleaning!?!!

If it happened repeatedly and it was a problem for me I would express my feelings to whosever the bathing suit belonged too (point number 11 on Dr Solter’s list).

So how will my children learn to “take responsibility”? I would rather our children learn from our modelling – that we can look after each other, help each other and even clean up after one another. I loved unschooling mum, Rue Kream’s approach where she notes, “we’ve never assigned ownership to messes.”

A blame free family where people look out for one another out of love not coercion… that is what rings true to me!

That all said, I really like Dr Solter’s list… and 19 out of 20 points that generally work for me is a pretty good result still. Its an excellent starting point for parents trying to make shifts and practical reminders for those trying to do things differently. Feel free to comment on the question of “Natural Consequences” below…

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