Alternatives to Punishment… and “natural consequences”
arun on Feb 21 2007 at 11:18 am | Filed under: attachment parenting, aware, others wisdom, parenting, unconditional | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
Aletha Solter is controversial amongst some attachment parenting circles for her radical (in the AP community) perspectives on crying and the idea that we should hold children and let them express their emotion rather than for example constantly breast feeding them in such situations (assuming needs like hunger, sleep etc are met). Obviously much more to it and we will write more as we begin to apply her principles and practice to our sleepless 10 month old son.
I have just received permission from Dr Solter to reproduce her 20 Alternatives to Punishment article which you can view here.
I find this list useful and interesting… there are a few qualms though. Some of it is just language, so for point 8 where she says:
- 8. MAKE SMALL CONCESSIONS.
Example: “I’ll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired.”
That to me just comes from a “power over” perspective which is not what we are trying to create… but i support the sentiment. My main point of issue really is with point number 10:
- 10. LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OCCUR (when appropriate).
Don’t rescue too much. Example: A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may find them still wet the next day. (But don’t create artificial consequences.)
Personally, I feel that the whole “natural consequences” thing has been over done and is often used as cover for a punitive or punishment based approach, Solter does specify “where appropriate” but this still leaves it too open for me. To intentionally not hang up my daughters’ bathing suit is creating an “artificial consequence” in my opinion.
If my partner leaves her bathing suit lying around, I would not leave it there to “train her” or “teach her a lesson”. I would hang it up. Why would I have a different approach with my children? Do I have to check name tags before cleaning!?!!
If it happened repeatedly and it was a problem for me I would express my feelings to whosever the bathing suit belonged too (point number 11 on Dr Solter’s list).
So how will my children learn to “take responsibility”? I would rather our children learn from our modelling – that we can look after each other, help each other and even clean up after one another. I loved unschooling mum, Rue Kream’s approach where she notes, “we’ve never assigned ownership to messes.”
A blame free family where people look out for one another out of love not coercion… that is what rings true to me! 
That all said, I really like Dr Solter’s list… and 19 out of 20 points that generally work for me is a pretty good result still. Its an excellent starting point for parents trying to make shifts and practical reminders for those trying to do things differently. Feel free to comment on the question of “Natural Consequences” below…
Hi Arun
As I read Dr Solter’s list and your amendments I had more “light bulb moments” than an Osram factory. Excellent!
For me this comes from having respect, love and admiration for your children as fellow human beings that you helped into the world, but who retain a certain uniqueness, differences and samenesses with yourself and your partner, some out of the blue, that just unfold in an awesome spectacle that’s a privelege to behold.
Not picking up that towel sounds like trickery or sabotage.
Reading these ideas, which are in great contrast to mainstream parenting, is giving me greater clarity and confidence about my preferred style of parenting, that’s priceless. Thanks.
Terry
When it comes to “natural consequences” I find it is a solution in very situational and child specific instances. I agree with you that I should model care for one another and hang up my child’s swimsuit if she forgets periodically, but I also wouldn’t have a problem letting her find a wet suit if she chronically neglects it. I’m certainly not going to let go and do something dangerous – but if she is running on concrete after repeated warnings and skins her knee – I would be compassionate, but also try to help her learn from her mistake and recognize that it would have been better to follow my guidance.
I think that some stubborn children simply won’t grasp certain things until they fall in the mud once. I hate to watch them fall, but I also would rather let them than hurt out relationship by standing in the way constantly, and I will be there to help them back up.
Thanks for posting this list and your thoughts!