They said it would happen on the egroups and the books. For the last two months we have not been imposing expectations on our daughter. When she asks for things we help her get them.

On occasion she would call me to her room only to ask me to pass her something a few feet away. I would get it. If it was inconvenient or I was tired/ busy or whatever I would express that to her but in general I have been making a real effort to help her. Even if she asked rudely or shouted a demand… we would respond to the request, give her what she asked for, then communicate how the way she spoke made us feel or try to get to the core of why she spoke like that in the first place.

Of course many would argue that we are “creating a rod for our own back.” That our daughter would take advantage of us and simply “boss us around”.

However those people would not appreciate our larger context – of radically unschooling and providing our children with no expectations and total choice.

In that context modelling behaviour is extremely powerful. Our daughter has seen that we are on her side and that we are actively trying to help her. Even if her request is something that we might be concerned with, eg. eating ice cream five minutes before dinner… we express our opinion and still meet have been meeting her request. In fact if she chose to eat the ice cream we would make a point of saying, “you enjoy it!” to avoid any guilt or subtle manipulations.

All this is making an impact. As she appreciates that we are looking out for one another, that we are helping each other achieve what and be who we want unconditionally she is wanting to be a part of that.

So last night I lay down with her ready to tell her stories (our nightly ritual). I was really tired because she had chosen to go to bed much later than usual (busy watching a ballet dvd her Mum had hired and drawing butterflies… important stuff!).

She asked me, “are you up for telling me stories tonight?” Even that level of empathy would not have existed in our previous relationship. Then when she wanted milk which I would also normally give her as part of our ritual… I said “Ill get it in a minute, just let me lie down for a second.”

She jumped out of bed and said, “you just relax Dad… I’ll get it!” She was exhausted also, but she was so much more tuned into my needs because I have been making such an effort to tune into and meet hers.

So she found her cup, washed it in the bath tub (she can reach those taps easily) and poured herself some milk.

So what if she forgot to put it back in the fridge It might seem small and by no means is not our every day experience yet… but the key thing for me was I could see how modelling consideration, empathy and compassion was becoming everything I hoped.

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