We have taken the plunge and decided to unregulate everything. After almost two months of steady movement in this direction, this decision came relatively suddenly just a week ago.

Anne and I have managed to connect with a new level of trust with our daughter. We really do believe that she is up for this and we are letting go of our attitudes about many things we previously held onto dearly.

Our confidence in her means that we are not upset by her watching dvds, or playing with Barbie dolls etc etc. We know that we are providing a solid foundation for her and such things will not undermine that. So our first shopping trip under this new approach was a real eye opener. I did not take our daughter to the shop but asked her what she wanted and managed to get almost everything she requested…

At the same time we are actively trying to prepare her for her new found freedom. In particular:

EMPATHY
we are discussing the changes in terms of our family as a whole rather than just what it means for her. So we are couching it in “the sort of family we want”. One that supports each other, one that finds solutions that works for us all etc etc.. This discussion was initiated when our daughter wanted to buy a bag of lollies and i suggested that we buy three because they were cheap. She was curious as to my shift (previously we would not buy lollies at all). This led to a great discussion where she ended up trying to consider the implications of our ruleless household on her baby brother, asking how could we know what works for him when he cant speak. We are also using NVC techniques to understand and connect with our daughter AND express our needs more effectively…

KNOWLEDGE
We are giving our daughter more information about her choices. For example we are explaining what numbers in ingredient listings mean, we are trying to associate her moods with some of her food choices to her etc.. The way we are doing this has really shifted – not as threats, or judging or even manipulation. In general it really is coming from a place of care and love without judging or attachment to outcome… well thats on our good days anyway

CONTEXT
One thing we are noticing is a real consumerism/ materialism with this new freedom. Our daughter wants to use every outing to make a purchase. Obviously she is flexing her new found freedom but we do want to give context to this choice by:
- us actually budgeting and giving her a sense that we are doing so… at the same time we do not wish to create a lack mentality in her… just a sense that we are choosing each time we buy something
- a sense of contribution– we want her to see us giving money to something beyond our families needs and to assist someone else

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