tv or not to tv
arun on Dec 12 2006 at 2:04 pm | Filed under: control & connection, unregulating food, tv | Click here to go HOME | or find out about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PIT |
we tend to unregulate a lot of things. That is we allow our 4yr old daughter to make her own decisions, though we input into it with information and opinion, ultimately it is up to her. This tends to be consistent with our unschooling perspective.
The two areas we have had biggest blocks about have been food & tv. Ill save food for another post but right now tv.
We had no tv. We found it infringing on our lives and head space so we got rid of it. We would on occasion watch a dvd on our laptop but it seemed to be more of conscious decision than having the tv on.
Now enter our daughter. She in general accepted this until we started to have more to do with friends and family who used tv more. Then she became almost obsessed with it. Since we unregulate so much it was like we had painted a neon sign saying “forbidden fruit, get it here!”. So it always seemed to be about going to someones house to watch something!
So recently (actually a week ago) we made what for us was a dramatic shift. We discussed it with her and decided that her needs would be met with a dvd player (she was not attached to commercial tv). So we bought a portable dvd player for her with some dvds of her choosing and have unregulated it. She watches it when ever she wants for how long she wants.
Again coming from an unschooling position is a little different to most “just watch tv then” approaches. For many unschoolers tv/ dvd watching is not the parents “time to do jobs” while the alternative baby sitter kicks in. Instead it is a time when the parent is on deck interacting with the child with the dvd/ tv.
OUR EXPERIENCE SO FAR
I am generally feeling great about the changes we have made and at best I am on the brink of unregulating food also. I have found it frustrating when we have dinner and she wants to watch mary poppins for the tenth time instead of eating with us. I realise that i have this “thing” about eating at a table with the family with no tv etc on. Its really strong in me and obviously from my own childhood.
But when i think about our family dinners we were often present physically but not connecting. So its allowing me to be less formal and really seek out the moments of true connection where ever and when ever they might come rather than trying to have the perception of them in a “set piece” so to speak.
So the other day my daughter & I really connected while watching Bob the Builder. I think she was so happy that i asked to watch something with her… she knew that i previously resented her watching “too much” so when i said “can you show me something you like, id really want to watch with you”… the smile on her face was beautiful! it initiated all sorts of conversation on castles, moats etc etc.. But the main thing was that it showed my absolute acceptance of her and i was surprised at how happy and connected this seemed to make her feel!
so two nights ago we pushed my comfort zone further… my partner and I came to my daughter for dinner and had a picnic in front of bob the builder 
again in many ways i felt we were closer than if we made her come to the table… Still a balance though, last night my partner and i had dinner on the deck without my daughter. I intend to wait a while til the novelty of the dvd wears off and then raise how i really value dinner together, but I will not be as judgemental or attached as i once would have been.
It all has changed for me… as now i seek connection rather than being caught up on specifically what maya is watching/ doing/ eating… which has allowed me to move away from my previous control freak position
The changes with the dvd are interesting though, even after a few days she seems ready to do other stuff at a drop of a hat and is already drawing or making stuff while the thing is on. We have not regulated her sleep time for as long as i can remember and although a few nights she is going to sleep an hour or so later than normal i think as she gets that the dvd player is here to stay she is fine with going to bed and leaving it for another day…
more on this to come…
Hello again Arun,
I’ve been browsing like a driven crazy mom who needs to report to the committe tomorrow morning… a new world in which the kids get to eat and see and do whatever… i’m freaking out.
anyway… what is an Ipod audio story tape? i thought ipods were for music downloads that you paid for per peice on line? i’m really behind i know… but was curious that you had audio stories on an ipod. i only have my old audio tapes!
also… i’m trying to search your website for this… but perhpas you can send me in the right direction… a detailed article on how the unschooling unfolded? I have an almost 2 year old who pretty much rules my life… and its been hard giving my almost 5 year old the time he needs and deserves. any articles on unschooling young children… i feel like i can’t take his lead many a time because i’m too busy cooking, feeding, cleaning up and then doing it all over again. maybe not that bad… but feels that way. i’ve searched jan hunts site and a couple of others… but found loads of articles on attachment parenting, unschooling etc.. none on managing home, mess, time etc with unschooling moms/dads on their own with 2 young children.
sorry long post and not toally connected to the article above.
thank you for reading, hema
As a mom who is unschooling six kids(17,15,14,12,9,6) and also have a 2 year old, and when I say unschooling that doesn’t mean they all choose to be at home, some are at school by their own admission….but yes, I can relate to your story Hema, a lot of people seem to focus on the romantic stuff, the letting go and liberating themselves (and their kids) from societies iron grip…and yet the reality remains, somehow people still have to juggle the kids needs and whims and all the guidance that goes along with having them at home, with housework, babycare, food buying, growing& prep, shopping, time with spouse, monetary and soul work, and perhaps even social time….
We tend to fall into relying on technology a lot, and the kids are happy with it, especially my boys (we have five boys, the girls social needs seem to propel them out into the world and they are both at school)), we have a few computers, digital cameras and a music studio as part of their (and our) learning tools. Housework tends to be a last priority for me, probably the result of growing up with a mum too busy for me….but of course as they grow, they can help more with that…..an effortless way to go for me is to have a lot of learning aids on hand, plenty books, art supplies and things…but remember Hema…having a toddler in the house can be incorporated into the unschooling approach…My oldest Jahmin is 17 and has really flourished as a babycarer, he is even contemplating childcare as a career option…
Setting up spaces for learning to occur is key - I would love to have a woodworking workshop for our crew…..
see I think what yah hafta develop as an unschooling parent is the ability to be both selfless and servicefull for yah kids, and to model a life of continual learning and passionate love for what you do…..if yah aren’t passionately lovin it, change is probably something to look at…….
I think having the household chores in their faces is a positive thing, its really keepin it real and truly preparing them for real life….My crew all shop for all of us (great for practical maths skills) and we focus on a fair share of chores, of course when they were little, it was chaos, but happy chaos, except for the battering my ego got for having a messy house……
My kids all help with food prep now and clean up and I like to use cooking as an opportunity to point out that maths, science and art is part of just about every part of life…. andways, plenty mundanes for I to attend to, so I best get cracking…
Onelove and Guidance
NYah I
On the bedtime thing, maybe its coz we are musicians and used to take our kids gigging with us, but our youth (the boys anyway) are nightowls and we tend to live a lot in the nighttime.
Yet when we lived in the bush with only a small amount of solar power and few mod cons, early nights were the norm…
I know there are ways to change the patterns, but i think it takes a concerted effort. It just has to work for your lifestyle and the way you want to live. Often, as I have had many babies, I have gone to bed before most of the kids and my partner is the one trying to get them to bed so he can go to bed, its a bit messy but our kids love, raspect and are grateful to us for allowing them the opportunity to live and learn their own time.
I am presently working on creating a balance between this high tech, modern lifestyle and the rootsy,yogic, natural, flowing lifestyle I also need to feel healthy and relaxed, with indoor/outdoor spaces to “get away” from the highly stimulating world of computers, electronics and multimedia….I feel is is essential to find the kinds of modes of living that suit us, then our children will get the kind of modeling they need to keep it healthy, truthful and natural all the while…..
bye for now
thanks so much for that wonderfully detailed message Nyah! I’m learning and learning and learning! I really feel the need to take my tabla out of its beautful carrying case and let it lie out where the kids cna touch it. except that with no other caretakers around.. i need about 8 eyes for my toddler
i’m scared she will take a pen or sharp object to it while i have my eyes turned. and an apartment does not allow for too much space. Anyways…. positive positive… i jsut take them out a lot more becuase we need space to breathe. Your idea abotu work corners is great. shall try more.
today… a tape measure that my toddler had not seen for a while kept her occupied while i helped my son do an intricate lego thing. it was a nice time… but the bubble burst adn then the only way was to hold her in my back carrier and help raghu finish. one or the other kid pays for the other’s age. and i guess thats all part and parcel of living and learning.
again thank you! hema
I especially pause to admire - at the point where u mention u joined her to watch Bobb the builder; and think how i can apply the same attitude in other situations with my daughter.
thank you for sharing