Just a quick post to say that i’m still alive & kicking.

I made it back from my trip to the USA with very fond memories of meeting other unschoolers including Arp & Trish (and hearing of their impending move to Costa Rica). I especially appreciated staying with Phoenix & his family who were extremely generous in opening up their house to a complete stranger from australia with a blog.

It was marvelous and inspiring to see how present Jac was with Phoenix who thrived of her attention and understanding. I’ve been writing a lot since I came back but, as you might have noticed, not much for the Pit. My silence must be working as the visitors to this site keeps going up and I’ve had over thirty new subscribers since my last post! Maybe I should not write more often?

Well if you are keen to stay in touch with my infrequent updates subscribing to the Pit is a good idea. I only email out about updates occasionally so it wont overwhelm your inbox.

The reason I’ve been a bit slow here is because I’m working on a science fiction novel(s) and more recently a bunch of short stories. If that is your thing you can go to my other site at www.arunaway.net. At the moment all that’s there is the option to subscribe for updates and in 2009 i will start posting stories and stuff on it.

I will still be posting to the Pit, but if things are slower than usual you will know that my first novel is getting closer to completion (or possibly that I’ve lost it with my kids and don’t want to tell you about it!)

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I will be in New York in a few weeks! From October 27 to October 31.

It will be the longest time I’ve spent away from my kids (8 days in total, the other few days I have a commitment for our biz). I’ve been discussing ‘how to make it work’ for M (6yrs) and it seems as though i need to invest several days in setting up a series of treasure hunts before I go, then give her clues for them over the phone

I would love to hear ideas on how to spend my four days in New York! Any tips will be most welcome as I want to make the most of my time there.

And I have to ask… (warning: gratuetous self serving plug alert) if anyone out there lives in New York and happens to have a spare couch I could crash on, I would also be eternally grateful

Otherwise it would just be fun to meet with other unschooling families so let me know if you are around there even if you want to keep your couch free of tourists…

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I’ve written a few posts about our attempts to “find the ‘Yes’” in situations with our children. I had a recent reminder that some of my ‘Yesses’ are still not making the grade.

Z (2 years) has been waking up around 5am for the last few months which Anne & I are finding very challenging. On one of these occasions Anne had to get early to do some work.

I was still half asleep in bed and I could hear her tell Z: “go ask Dad to read you this book.”

The little footsteps drew closer than peering over me, a book suddenly resting on my head, the cute voice came: “Dadda. You read me this book?”

Barely conscious I replied, “Yes sure. But first sit next to me and play with your van for a few minutes, I’ll have a quick sleep then I’ll read you the book.” (he has a van which he often contently puts dolls in and out of for an hour at a time).

I closed my eyes and heard him jump off the bed and the steps recede… I assumed he was going to get more toys to put on the bed.

Then his voice floated in from outside, “Mama…”

“Yes?” Anne replied.

“Dadda said no. Will you read me this book?”

It seems my ‘yesses’ still need some work!

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A couple of weeks ago as M (6yrs) was climbing a tree she asked if anyone in the world live in trees.

Drawing from my knowledge of ancient indigenous cultures in the modern world… I gave the obvious answer:

“I dunno!!”

It would have been easy to forget about it since she did not mention it again. But one of the things I am really enjoying is taking her questions seriously and finding answers to them… even the ones that seem to be ‘throw away questions’ and just idle ponderances.

This in turn has made we wonder how the hell did parents homeschool before the web!??!

When we got home I invited her to search for an answer with me on google, in this instance she enthusiastically agreed and we found out about the Kombai clan in Papau New Guinea (pictured). This in turn led to us chatting about cannibalism (which some claim the Kombai were/ are) and led her to dig out our copy Pippi Longstocking that night (whose father was meant to be a ‘king of cannibals’).

Days later a meandering conversation about eggs, chicks and chickens led to her asking do horses have hair when they are born?. Minutes later we watched several horse births thanks to the magic of YouTube.

Other questions over the last week: “what is spit for?” or “who was the first person to find gold and what’s so good about it anyway.” M was not really interested in the answer to the spit one (though I was), but the gold one took us on a whole adventure because although i turned up information on “precious metals” and ancient Egyptian civilisations each new answer led to her asking new questions.

Yesterday’s questions included how did people become people from gorillas (which was my feeble and relatively inaccurate attempt at explaining evolution months ago coming back to haunt me) and how did people work out that the world was not flat, since it looks flat… which I was excited about but M then moved on from very rapidly.

These conversations often happen in a broken, unpredictable way at unpredictable times. They also rely on me containing myself on the rare occasion she asks something I actually know – I am learning the art of letting go of “teachable moments” and providing information that she wants to know, rather than doing an information dump of what I know or what I think she ’should’ know.

Oh … and playing “follow the question” is just as interesting with our 2 yr old son. It’s extremely different but just as rewarding & fun. He is well and truly in the “why” stage.Rather than dismissing or ignoring his “why’s”, I have started to challenge myself to answer each one seriously with age appropriate answers. This leads to a second challenge – how many whys can i give legitimate answers to in a row without repitition of answers… (my record is nine, although dp got to 10 the other night!).

So for example one from earlier in the week:

let’s sit at the table; why ; to have dinner ; why ; because we need food and its fun to eat together ; why ; why do we need food or why do I think its fun to eat together? ; why you need food? ; because our bodies turn the food into energy and use it to grow ; why ; ummm….. hey look butter chicken! Yum!! (not one of my better attempts but gives you an idea)

Whether it be from M or Z, I am enjoying their wonderment and playful curiousity about the world.

I am finding that the process of taking their questions seriously is renewing and healing my own natural curiousity, which had come into a beating from years of institutionalised learning and being ‘taught’ at school and uni.

Yet another gift to thank my children for

——

Its two days since i wrote the post above… i just had to add the question that M asked today, it was: “If a Ninja went to the dump and got a really massive piece of metal, then they hit it really hard with their head, could they make it crumble into tiny pieces?”   …. hmmm now how do i google that?  ;)   scarey thing is, there is probably a video of someone trying to do that on youtube!

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A very funny, albeit very sad article from the satirical online mag, the Onion:

 6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss Of Formal Schooling

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local first-grader Connor Bolduc, 6, experienced the first inkling of a coming lifetime of existential dread Monday upon recognizing his cruel destiny to participate in compulsory education for the better part of the next two decades, sources reported. 

  for the full article go to the Onion site here…

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I admit it. I am still a reforming parenting control freak.

You wouldn’t know it to chat to me. Or by the fact I am into unschooling and trusting my children. But in all honesty it is a constant effort not to “do things for them”, or more often “to tell them or make them do it the ‘right’ way.”

Embracing trust and letting go of control is a conscious decision I make several times a day… at dinner its more like several times a second!

To follow are some of the tips and techniques I’ve found useful in my own journey, I hope that it might assist all you other reforming parenting control freaks out there!

1. DON’T WATCH

This method is great for wild play or climbing. Rather than shouting “be careful or you’ll fall and break your neck” and probably make them fall and break their neck in the process, I have found it sometimes better just not to watch. If I find myself bursting to say something I try to limit it to “do you feel safe doing that?”.

2. BUILD YOUR OWN SANDCASTLE

Whether watching your child build a sandcastle or make a birthday card for your partner, sometimes the best advice is to do your own as well. Creating one yourself allows you to let go of your child’s creation. You can still help but come in on a very defined task of your child’s choosing, think of yourself as an “outside (and subordinate) contractor” rather than an equal partner in their project… after all you’ve got your own!

3. ASK QUESTIONS

Its a powerful exercise to spend a day trying to ask questions and not telling at all. Questions can be used for evil as well as goodness since they can have big agendas behind them (”are you going to wear that?” or “do you think that’s appropriate?”). So even better is to try to ask questions that you do not know the answer too. If done with an openess it can shift you into a spirit of being playful and curious which is much more fun than being anal and controlling.

4. IT’S ABOUT YOU

Every time something is pushing your parenting buttons and you want to try to control something/ change someone/ make something right etc etc.. A useful shift is to focus on yourself. To ask “how can I make an internal shift to better deal with this situation?” Basically its trying to accept the behavior of your child and focusing on your own behaviour/ modelling (something you do have some control over).

Another aspect to this is if you really, really need to comment, doing it from your perspective, eg. “I find that…” rather than “you should…”. Commenting and then being open to what happens (or does not happen) next is quite an art.

5. GET PERSPECTIVE TO EMBRACE CHANGE

In the midst of a “situation” it can be useful to get perspective by remembering what your child was like one year ago. Even two years ago. You might even carry some pictures to make the point to yourself. Impermanence and change are universal characteristics but can be most obvious in children. Seeing how they are changing and growing might remind you that this moment will never, ever come again. That in turn might assist you accepting it joyfully for what it is right now.

6. TAKE THE UNDIES AND CAPE OFF

Know your imperfections and embrace them. Get rid of the undies and cape (ie any attempt to be a super hero) instead just be you. Self acceptance of yourself including your faults will generally help to accept others as they are.

7. EMBRACE LEARNING AS EXPERIENCING

Telling someone the answer is not nearly as effective as them experiencing it. So have confidence to give your children the space to fall, fail and whatever as they experience and engage with life.

8. ENJOY THE RIDE, FORGET THE DESTINATION

Try to let go of the perfect picture or end result by really focusing all your attention into what is happening right in front of you. If your child has just smothered cream over your kitchen table try to let go of the image of a “pristine table” in your head and ask “what can we do with this creamy table?”. Perhaps you might end up drawing in it before cleaning together? Perhaps drive toys cars over it? The possibilities are endless and a better way to occupy your mind than worrying about what “should” be happening.

9. DISPLACEMENT

If you still feel that “controlling beast” in you just waiting to rear its ugly head, then perhaps one strategy might be directing it more effectively. Take the pressure away from your kids and choose something definable to assert your control over. It might be your desk, your sock draw, for me it was the (unfortunate) dog we got. Something to let your controlling nature out where it wont do damage to your children or partner while you continue to work on getting rid of it altogether.

10. PARENT LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW

At those really trying times, imagine what would be your response if this was the last day you spent with your child. How would that affect your level of compassion, understanding and acceptance. Would it really be so important that they behaved in the way you want? Parenting like there is no tomorrow is a great final line when all else fails.

I’ll let you into a well kept secret on this one – if you do parent like there is no tomorrow, one day you will be right! So enjoy the day while its yours and your child to share. Let go and trust!

—–

That’s some of the approaches Ive used… please feel free to comment and add your own below.

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Why have the unschooling magazines gone?

First Live Free Learn Free went electronic and now seems to be no more. Then more recently Life Learning Magazine got absorbed into its bigger cousing Natural Parenting Magazine.

Meanwhile Connections online magazine seems to be the last one standing but is very infrequent.

So if unschooling is growing what is happening to all the unschooling mags?

I suspect its a combination of three things:

1. that the people putting them out are often unschoolers themselves and want to spend more time with their kids
2. that it is difficult to find appropriate advertisers for an unschooling publication which by definition does not rely on curriculum or ‘out of the box’ solutions
3. that there is a vibrant and growing blogosphere and email culture within the unschooling community

I personally hope that a new magazine or one of the ones mentioned stages a major comeback (hint hint Danielle… please get more Connections out!)…

Until that time if you are looking for inspiration and support as well as the many fantastic blogs you can access a range of great egroups where unschooling mums (they are pretty much always mums) offer their time and wisdom extremely generously. I still lurk on some egroup pretty much every day to help keep me on track.

To help find what might be right for you, I just did a major update to the Unschooling & Parenting Egroup review page which you can read here.

One of the most noticable newcomers is a social networking site for radical unschoolers, my post “Snapshots” below was part of the blog carnival that has been launched on that site, but there are many other options listed also.

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I really enjoyed writing a post a little while ago about “Finding the Yes”.

However i feel motivated to write a little more clearly about this topic given the steady stream of mainstream (and often alternative) parenting commentators talking about how essential boundaries and “just saying ‘no’” are. From Dr Phil right through to personal development writer Stephanie Dowrick, it seems extremely unpopular to “just say ‘yes’”.

The “anti- ‘yes’” movement makes a number of assumptions. In particular they assume that ‘yes’ generally comes from one of two perspectives in parenting:

1. the first is the ‘yes’ that comes from submitting a parent’s own needs. Its a yes that is actually insincere and generally followed by a great deal of resentment. It is often called “permissive parenting”, though given that permissive refers simply to “giving permission” i think a more accurate term would be “submissive parenting”. This can be a real problem but it does not lie in the “yes”, rather that the yes comes at someones expense… the classic win/ lose scenario.

2. the second sort of ‘yes’ that such commentators refer to is one that comes from a place of not caring or participating in the child’s life. It is sometimes called “unparenting” or in many cases simply being negligent.

But there is a third perspective that is generally ignored… and its not “just saying ‘no’”.

The “yes” that i was talking about in this post is one that has a context. It is one that is supported with positive modeling, connection and communication. It is a “yes” that finds solutions that works for all parties involved and might therefore involve looking at underlying needs behind a request and perhaps involve negotiation or evolution.

It is miles away from what such commentators generally talk about.

Its not one i always manage to find but its definitely one i’m committed to seek out more and more.

It can be found in a parenting style which is extremely proactive which is why i like using the description of it being “the most hands on way of being hands off.”

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Its been a year and a few days since I wrote a post called “Snapshots” which you can read here. A year later, M is 6yrs and Z is 2yrs. So here goes another snapshotWhat they are saying:

• M: “Daaaadddy… can you come here?” calling from the bunk bed that Anne got her, to ask me to pass up pencils/ beads/ paper etc so she does not have to climb down to get them
• Z: “what’s that?” and pointing at almost anything and everything

What they love doing:

• M: drawing; watching dvds; us reading to her; playing on sesamestreet.com; having “adventures”; playing at friends houses; playing with her imaginary friends; doing craft and woodwork; climbing trees; “practicing her karate moves” with her little brother (more like dancing); jumping on the trampoline; and climbing through the whole in our living room wall.
• Z: talking about fire trucks; playing with toy fire trucks; playing with Lulu our dog (crawling under her); watching dvds in M’s room; playing chasey with Lulu & Maya; climbing on anything; driving a scooter around the kitchen; sitting in water (baths, puddles, anything); and covering every inch of the kitchen with water while playing with boats in the sink.

What I am loving about them:

• M: how she challenges us from pointing out our inconsistencies (”but yesterday you said…”) to getting us out of our rut by regularly declaring, “today I want to do something totally new!”
• Z: how he loves to do jobs with us from taking out the compost to cooking dinner; and how he’s so very small yet so incredibly opinionated and fiesty

Some of their quirks:

• M: how she talks to three imaginary friends: Ginger the cat, Lavender the fairy and Forest the dog who show her how to do karate, make magic and do new dance moves… and how she likes her toast cut in fours, with the crust off, then ‘lightly stabbed on top’ to make it bumpy (sometimes i just give her the knife if Im not up for getting it just right)
• Z: how he loves putting things on his head. His favourite is a plastic sieve which he calls his “fire hat”, but if we give him a plate with rice we have to clear the table as soon as he has finished otherwise it too will likely be turned into a hat and we will be picking rice out of his hair and our bed for the next week (the picture above is Z with a flower pot on his head playing with Lulu… and yes the flower pot did have dirt in it before he found it)

What I want to remember from today:

• M&Z: how during our walk M danced the whole way home and Z tried to copy her moves; how they helped me make banana icecream for the first time (why didnt we do that before!?); and the way M, Z and Anne all played chasey with Lulu until Anne collapsed in a heap

Please add your own – grab the same headings and share your own snapshot in the comments below or if you have one on your blog…

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Ive been writing less for the Pit lately… but Ive got a good excuse. In between hanging out with my family and doing our home biz with my partner, I have started to write a book!

Don’t worry, its nothing to do with parenting… Ill leave that to people with much more of a clue than I

Im writing a sci fi novel which i aim to finish by this time next year. Assuming i find a publisher I expect you all to buy multiple copies, even if you have no interest whatsoever in sci fi, ill try to get it the right size so it can help prop up that couch of yours with the dodgy leg!

But in the meantime i wanted to mention some very good friends and truly inspirational people who have written books which are available for pre order:

The Wonderful Place by Chrissy Butler

I always feel so much better after talking to Chrissy. She is one of the most down to earth people I know and her house and family always seem abundant in generousity and love. The illustrations in her children’s books reflect her personality – they are creative, interesting and brimming with compassionate wisdom.

Her first book was the story of the homebirth of beautiful Jimi Jaz and this new book is about full term breast feeding. Actually they are the themes of her books but really her stories and illustrations are about fun, love and connection… a great addition to any children’s library.

You can view images of Chrissy’s books and order internationally from her site here.

Chemical Free Kids: Raising Healthy Children in a Toxic World by Sarah Lantz

If we feel like we need to be more open to life and its possibilities, if we want to grow and develop… we often will find ourselves ringing Sarah & her partner Jason for inspiration.

I first met Sarah through student politics years and years ago. At the time she was the Women’s Officer for the Australian national union of students. Anne & I continued to have the opportunity to work with her and be inspired by her in a number of social justice & environmental campaigns that we were involved in. Sarah is smart, passionate and the sort of person who really engages with life.

Now a Mum, Sarah has combined her passion for parenting, environmentalism and health in this new book.

Find out more and preorder Sarah’s book here.

Other Books…

Anne & I were so excited to see A Divided Heart: Art & Motherhood by Rachael Powers in our local bookshops. Rachael is someone we went to playgroup with years ago and since lost touch with but her book on mums being artists while being mums will be of interest to many.

There are other books to look out for. Ive got a short review of Ginger Carlson’s excellent Child of Wonder which I need to finish up and post but rather than wait you can find out more here. Then fellow homeschool blogger Tammie Takahashi has published her book Deschooling Gently which you can read exerpts of and order here.

Buy them all! Just make sure you start saving to buy several boxes of my sci fi book too

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