Four years ago I told my daughter this story…

“One day there was a huge volcano full of swirling lava and burning gas. A rock fall at the peak of the volcano closed its top over, trapping the lava and gas inside. From the outside it looked like a peaceful mountain, but inside it was growing hotter and more turbulent by the second.

Just then a clueless father decided to climb the volcano. He made it half way up and, while admiring the view, decided to plant a flag in the ground to show how high he’d reached. The flag pole made a small prick in the volcano’s side and suddenly all the gas and lava that had been trapped inside exploded through that small hole and blew the daddy away.”

I assured her that no dads were hurt in this story, and she eventually understood the point. At the time she was experiencing bouts of intense anger. These were due to a number of factors which she had trouble identifying at the time and was challenged in finding healthy ways to ‘release’ those emotions.

The way her emotions were usually triggered was when i would do something stupid (which happened quite regularly) — perhaps make a bad joke; almost step on her pet mouse; or accidentally drop something on her head… and bang! It all came out.

While it was wonderful that she could release such emotions, and obviously she felt safe with Anne & I so she was able to do it, I found myself adopting a mantra for a while: “I don’t want to be the prick on the volcano!”

A lot has changed in the last four years and M (who is now 8yrs) does not have the same rage issues, however the question of how to release pent up emotions remain, and of course particularly in these challenging times this question is just as relevent for Anne & I.

So how do we find more healthy outlets for our anger and emotions… here are some of the methods we aim to use more:

- connection: simple understanding, empathy and acknowledgment from self and each other. Part of this is bringing awareness to it… which is more challenging than it sounds
- crying: when it starts to let it rip, not distracting or dismissing but allowing it to flow
- laughing: similar to crying, though Ive noted it seems to be a different sort of release
- creativity: for M it’s drawing, for Anne it’s singing… but the process of creating can seem to channel that emotion up and out
- physical: M and Z have both used a physical outlet of the trampoline or running or play fights with me or Anne to help connect and express feelings

In reality the most successful experiences often use a combination…

At worst I still manage to end up being the prick.

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Anne is leading the way out of our funk by hitting the parenting books once more. After our recent lows it feels like we are re-learning so much. Anne is also being greatly assisted by the work of Elaine Aron on The Highly Senitive series of books — Anne, M and Z all share many qualities from those books… so it seems that im surrounded!

Meanwhile we are moving back into using Non Violent Communication. The last time I used it, a few years ago, I ended up stopping becasue i felt that the speech grated and ended up serving as a block in my attempts to connect with our kids and Anne. I tried to internalise the process and speak in plain english. This is still my ideal… but right now my ideal is lightyears away, so im using more formal nvc to move forward and not worrying about how it sounds so much until i get some basics covered…

I really am appreciating the strengths of the nvc process much more this time round. Im finding it really powerful to observe, look at feelings, go to the needs and then finally explore strategies (which is happening more each day). The language still irks me at times (ie. “does not meet my need for authenticity”)… but the process really is powerful for breaking us out of the lows I previously posted about.

It’s an effort: Anne and I find ourselves constantly going to the kitchen cupboard where we’ve pinned up the list of nvc feelings and needs to help identify what is happening for us or others. It’s also a sense of dejavu as i described similar feelings a few years ago in the article “Parenting is Making My Brain Hurt”… Anne and i can often be found standing in the midst of a conflict or intense situation with the kids, with our mouths open looking like our brain has exploded… so a way to go, but its a huge step up from shouting!

So we are starting again in many ways… but at least things are on the way up

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YAY to Maree & Erica, the crazy unschooling mums who have managed (in all their spare time) to initiate the first ever…

AUSTRALIAN UNSCHOOLING CONFERENCE RETREAT

September 3 - 7. 2010. @ The beautiful Tallebudgera Tourist Park, Gold Coast, Qld.

Come together with other natural learning families for the first ever Unschooling Conference in Australia! Featuring special guest speaker Danya Martin, well known unschooling advocate.
There is a real culture of unschooling events and conferences in the USA and many of us are hoping that this event will start a similar trend here…
Visit: www.unschoolingretreat.blogspot.com for rego & information. There are early bird discounts until June 30, so get in contact with the organisers soon!

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I have sunk to new parenting lows. Since the birth of our third child I’ve truly been getting to know my “inner Homer”, and it’s not pretty!

We absolutely love H (that’s our wonderful new baby, not Homer) and we feel incredibly, incredibly, incredibly blessed by his arrival… but at the same time it has been very hard at times and I’ve found myself thinking, “What have we done?”

Perhaps it’s the pressure of having “three” which overwhelms my small brain, or the return to “babyland”, or most likely just plain old fashion sleep deprivation — but whatever it is, I have truly regressed. From someone who barely ever raised my voice, I now find myself swearing and shouting almost every day.

It’s not helped by the fact that Z (who is now 4) in particular has found the arrival of H very challenging. His behaviour regressed in parallel to my own as he struggled with this new reality and having to share his Mum in particular.

He’s always been feisty and spirited, but these days I just don’t seem to have the same reserves to support him to be who he has in a positive way, and instead I tend to just block him.

A classic example is when we were outside a while back and he picked up a big stick and started walking towards M (who is 8yrs now). In the old days at my parenting peak I might have said something like, “That’s a fantastic stick for a fishing rod, lets see if we can catch fish in this puddle over here.”

My reaction on that day was to shout, “Put the bloody stick down and don’t you dare hit your sister!”

So here I am, discovering my inner Homer Simpson. Im compassionate about it on occasion, I know this will pass and it will be less intense, but right now I feel this blog has been aptly named, because I really am at the bottom of the Parenting Pits!

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About 12 hours after my last post, we were joined by H.

Anne was absolutely amazing yet again. The determination and raw, unbridled power she displays during birth are breath taking. H was birthed in the water tub which was fortunately full and heated. He was a big bub — 10.2 pounds.

His birth was fast — just over an hour.  Our wonderful friend Chrissy arrived to look after Z & M with about 30 minutes to spare, and the midwife came with about 20 minutes to spare.

M really rose to the occasion before the cavalry arrived, helping prepare the bath and keep Z occupied with food & toys. Since then M has already settled H once and is turning out to be a very willing pair of helpful hands. Z is adjusting better than we hoped, given how big a deal this is to his universe.

Anne & I are already missing sleep, but feeling very, very blessed amidst the haze.

I must admit, having ignored this blog for so long, I was totally overwhelmed by the number and sincerity of so many well wishes… many of whom we are yet to meet. So big thanks for all your kind wishes & thoughts!

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I know it’s been a while (about 7 months) since my last post, but as Einstein said, “time is relative.”

Of course he was referring to space time and how if one clock sits on a couch doing nothing but ticking and  another clock travels through space on some groovy rocket ship at close to the speed of light how one will grow old, cranky and grey first and the other will remain young and pert of buttock… or something like that (couldn’t find my “Einstein for Dummies” book before I wrote this).

That’s not quite what I’m referring too though.

I’m talking about how 8 months ago, about the time I wrote the posts below, I thought I was pretty busy. Trying to foster a loving relationship with my partner, hanging out with our two children, growing a home based business, doing other life things and writing a novel seemed to fill my time.

Then the news came: Anne was pregnant!

I’m no hypocrite, I had used the formula on this page to derive our perfect number of kids,  but sometimes things just happen.

That’s when I really discovered that time was relative. How suddenly, knowing what I knew about having babies, I realised that I had a tremendous amount of time now… before the sleep deprivation starts again anyway.

So for the last 8 months I have been extremely focused. I’ve really tried to prioritise my real life relationships with my partner and kids, I’ve almost finished the first draft of my novel and been trying to catch up on sleep… In preparation for what is to come in the next few days.

So tonight I sit here… our daughter is playing with dolls next to me. Anne & our son are asleep.

It could almost be a normal night, except for the massive birthing pool filling up with hot water in the other room, preparing for our homebirth. The due date is arriving in a few hours and Anne often delivers on or around the due date. I’ve got my “to do” list so I can remain calm when Anne tells me it’s all happening. She’s the one doing all the important stuff I know, but I still need a to do list for me…

And then back in baby land.

Am I excited? EXTREMELY! Am I scared shitless? Definitely. Am I wondering how I will have time to do anything else for the next two years? Very much so… Would I trade my situation for anyone else? Never!

I know that time is relative. I am preparing to enjoy the new bub every moment possible, even when I’m sleep deprived and grumpy (and when Anne is even more sleep deprived and even more grumpy). I can do this because I know that in a blink of an eye he (yes we know it’s a he), will be grown up…

You’ll still hear from me on occasion. In the wee small hours when everyone in the house is asleep and my brain is too fried to work or write. I’ll try to add a few things to this blog… but time is relative and it might be a relatively long time  

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Just a quick post to say that i’m still alive & kicking.

I made it back from my trip to the USA with very fond memories of meeting other unschoolers including Arp & Trish (and hearing of their impending move to Costa Rica). I especially appreciated staying with Phoenix & his family who were extremely generous in opening up their house to a complete stranger from australia with a blog.

It was marvelous and inspiring to see how present Jac was with Phoenix who thrived of her attention and understanding. I’ve been writing a lot since I came back but, as you might have noticed, not much for the Pit. My silence must be working as the visitors to this site keeps going up and I’ve had over thirty new subscribers since my last post! Maybe I should not write more often?

Well if you are keen to stay in touch with my infrequent updates subscribing to the Pit is a good idea. I only email out about updates occasionally so it wont overwhelm your inbox.

The reason I’ve been a bit slow here is because I’m working on a science fiction novel(s) and more recently a bunch of short stories. If that is your thing you can go to my other site at www.arunaway.net. At the moment all that’s there is the option to subscribe for updates and in 2009 i will start posting stories and stuff on it.

I will still be posting to the Pit, but if things are slower than usual you will know that my first novel is getting closer to completion (or possibly that I’ve lost it with my kids and don’t want to tell you about it!)

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I will be in New York in a few weeks! From October 27 to October 31.

It will be the longest time I’ve spent away from my kids (8 days in total, the other few days I have a commitment for our biz). I’ve been discussing ‘how to make it work’ for M (6yrs) and it seems as though i need to invest several days in setting up a series of treasure hunts before I go, then give her clues for them over the phone

I would love to hear ideas on how to spend my four days in New York! Any tips will be most welcome as I want to make the most of my time there.

And I have to ask… (warning: gratuetous self serving plug alert) if anyone out there lives in New York and happens to have a spare couch I could crash on, I would also be eternally grateful

Otherwise it would just be fun to meet with other unschooling families so let me know if you are around there even if you want to keep your couch free of tourists…

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I’ve written a few posts about our attempts to “find the ‘Yes’” in situations with our children. I had a recent reminder that some of my ‘Yesses’ are still not making the grade.

Z (2 years) has been waking up around 5am for the last few months which Anne & I are finding very challenging. On one of these occasions Anne had to get early to do some work.

I was still half asleep in bed and I could hear her tell Z: “go ask Dad to read you this book.”

The little footsteps drew closer than peering over me, a book suddenly resting on my head, the cute voice came: “Dadda. You read me this book?”

Barely conscious I replied, “Yes sure. But first sit next to me and play with your van for a few minutes, I’ll have a quick sleep then I’ll read you the book.” (he has a van which he often contently puts dolls in and out of for an hour at a time).

I closed my eyes and heard him jump off the bed and the steps recede… I assumed he was going to get more toys to put on the bed.

Then his voice floated in from outside, “Mama…”

“Yes?” Anne replied.

“Dadda said no. Will you read me this book?”

It seems my ‘yesses’ still need some work!

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A couple of weeks ago as M (6yrs) was climbing a tree she asked if anyone in the world live in trees.

Drawing from my knowledge of ancient indigenous cultures in the modern world… I gave the obvious answer:

“I dunno!!”

It would have been easy to forget about it since she did not mention it again. But one of the things I am really enjoying is taking her questions seriously and finding answers to them… even the ones that seem to be ‘throw away questions’ and just idle ponderances.

This in turn has made we wonder how the hell did parents homeschool before the web!??!

When we got home I invited her to search for an answer with me on google, in this instance she enthusiastically agreed and we found out about the Kombai clan in Papau New Guinea (pictured). This in turn led to us chatting about cannibalism (which some claim the Kombai were/ are) and led her to dig out our copy Pippi Longstocking that night (whose father was meant to be a ‘king of cannibals’).

Days later a meandering conversation about eggs, chicks and chickens led to her asking do horses have hair when they are born?. Minutes later we watched several horse births thanks to the magic of YouTube.

Other questions over the last week: “what is spit for?” or “who was the first person to find gold and what’s so good about it anyway.” M was not really interested in the answer to the spit one (though I was), but the gold one took us on a whole adventure because although i turned up information on “precious metals” and ancient Egyptian civilisations each new answer led to her asking new questions.

Yesterday’s questions included how did people become people from gorillas (which was my feeble and relatively inaccurate attempt at explaining evolution months ago coming back to haunt me) and how did people work out that the world was not flat, since it looks flat… which I was excited about but M then moved on from very rapidly.

These conversations often happen in a broken, unpredictable way at unpredictable times. They also rely on me containing myself on the rare occasion she asks something I actually know – I am learning the art of letting go of “teachable moments” and providing information that she wants to know, rather than doing an information dump of what I know or what I think she ’should’ know.

Oh … and playing “follow the question” is just as interesting with our 2 yr old son. It’s extremely different but just as rewarding & fun. He is well and truly in the “why” stage.Rather than dismissing or ignoring his “why’s”, I have started to challenge myself to answer each one seriously with age appropriate answers. This leads to a second challenge – how many whys can i give legitimate answers to in a row without repitition of answers… (my record is nine, although dp got to 10 the other night!).

So for example one from earlier in the week:

let’s sit at the table; why ; to have dinner ; why ; because we need food and its fun to eat together ; why ; why do we need food or why do I think its fun to eat together? ; why you need food? ; because our bodies turn the food into energy and use it to grow ; why ; ummm….. hey look butter chicken! Yum!! (not one of my better attempts but gives you an idea)

Whether it be from M or Z, I am enjoying their wonderment and playful curiousity about the world.

I am finding that the process of taking their questions seriously is renewing and healing my own natural curiousity, which had come into a beating from years of institutionalised learning and being ‘taught’ at school and uni.

Yet another gift to thank my children for

——

Its two days since i wrote the post above… i just had to add the question that M asked today, it was: “If a Ninja went to the dump and got a really massive piece of metal, then they hit it really hard with their head, could they make it crumble into tiny pieces?”   …. hmmm now how do i google that?  ;)   scarey thing is, there is probably a video of someone trying to do that on youtube!

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